Things to Accomplish in 2017

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Here’s a list of my goals for 2017, broken down into smaller goals; I repeat some goals from “Three Goals for Age 29“, and”bucket list“, but there are also some new ones. This is stickied so I see it regularly, but feel free to read it.

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“somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond” – e.e. cummings

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somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me,i and
my life will shut very beautifully,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

Sunshine Blogger Award

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Hussein Allam, who runs an inspiring blog covering many things including Jordanian culture nominated me for this award. Go check out his blog!


1.) Thank the person who nominated you in a blog post and link back to their blog.

2.) Answer the 11 questions sent by the person who nominated you.

3.) Nominate 11 new blogs to receive the award and write them 11 new questions.

4.) List the rules and display the Sunshine Blogger Award logo in your post and/or on your blog.

11 questions for the nominees:

Which part of the world you live?

Central Wisconsin, in a small town. There’s not much to do here, and I’m probably moving again in three or so months. I’m kind of bouncing between a few different places at the moment, but I’ll probably be settling down on getting on a *gasp* lease soon. It’s close to where I went to high school, and basically I’d have to get a car and I’d be dependent on my friend for rides for a while, but it seems pretty manageable.

I’m really not that excited about the city, honestly, and running into people from high school. There are serious issues with meth and heroin pretty much in any area of Wisconsin I’ve been in, so I’m really closed off to getting involved with people at the moment.

I’m divided between living with my friend, her boyfriend and their eventual baby or getting my own place. There’s cheap apartments opening up in this city I used to live in, but that’s also where I was at the height of my addiction. I use public transportation, and the chances of me running into a lot of people I used to use with is pretty high. That in itself isn’t the actual issue itself, but the problem I’m anticipating is more or less people I used to be close with wanting to stay with me.

My best friend and I have pretty much decided it’d take me a month to have some person who is homeless and in the midst of addiction staying with me. Which would lead to me being closely involved with them, and ending up either getting evicted because of them, or because I end up using again, getting addicted, not paying rent, and uh…

I guess I could research and set out on my own in a completely new area, but I’d rather stay within range of the college I’m attending and not have to learn a whole new city on my own.

Yeah. So I think I’m just going to go with the safer option on this one, plus living with other people really limits my living expenses.

Ultimately, we’re all just a little afraid of my ability to say no to people (although I’m getting pretty good at this!), and I don’t have a great track record with sobriety, either…I’m actually getting more confident with that, using dmt and lsd really are helping me break down a lot of how I used to view the world, and my use is pretty occasional at this point, and I feel a diminished need/desire to be intoxicated, and it’s helping with a lot of other issues in my life. I feel like this is more effective than a lot of the therapy I did, and I seem to feel increasingly better while sober.

Tripping is definitely an exhausting experience, but there’s a post use glow for a week or two that’s more effective than antidepressants. This might be the first time in years that I’m not obsessively using drugs or obsessively worried about using them.

Haha, sorry for the epic answer on this one.


What’s your favorite colour?

Blue or green.

What’s your real name?!

Jocelyn Cxlxaxnxcxy.

I don’t want to come up on google, hence the x’s.


What is the best dish of desserts you like mostly?!

Hmm…I haven’t had this in a while, but tiramisu is excellent.


If you have millions of dollars what are you going to do with it?!

Buy land, build a few houses, create a small commune like living environment for myself and a few friends, generate a sustained source of income and look into helping people that are homeless or stuck in addiction.


Do you smoke?! If so why

Haha, I vape. I used to smoke, and I occasionally stop vaping, but I’m pretty hooked. Maybe I’ll try to quit again down the line.


What is your background?!

I was born in 1988, in Green Bay, WI. My dad is Catholic, and my mom’s an atheist. I was deeply religious until approximately age 12, and I’ve been wandering spiritually ever since.

I grew up in a diverse area, basically the suburbs, with a farmer’s field at the end of the street and a low-income apartment complex two streets away. I was sort of homeschooled…my dad worked all the time, and my mom is a “doesn’t cope well with her own mental illness” type, so this actually boiled down to me reading a lot, helping my mom with stuff, and being alone most of the time.

I went to Catholic school for a few years, and we moved to Waupaca when I was 13, and I went to public school from that point on. I was definitely one of the weird kids, kind of a goth/loner, but also a good student. I had a few good friends, we got into inhalants, and I started doing pills and drinking in high school. I changed social groups a couple times, mostly because I hung out with the older kids and they either dropped out, went to the alternative school, or graduated.

High school was a little traumatic, honestly, but I feel like I’m rambling now.

Still graduated on the honor roll, though.

I moved to New Hampshire to be with a guy when I was 18. I moved back, started at a local college for Political Science, and got into a relationship for six years. I had a drinking problem, left my ex, started moving around a lot and using drugs and it’s been pretty much chaos since. I’m a lot more stable than I used to be, but things aren’t really what they would have been in some things have been different.

Glad that I’m back in school and things are much more stable than they have been. I feel like I’m making a lot of internal progress this year, getting calmer, more stable, figuring out what I want more. Kinda feel like everything’s going to be alright in the future.


Do you like reading novels?! If yes what is your favorite novel?

I absolutely love reading, but picking a favorite novel is hard. I used to be a lot more ambitious with reading, so I could be pretentious and pick “Ulysses” by James Joyce, but honestly, at the moment, I’m really enjoying re-reading “Road to Nowhere” by Christopher Pike.

It was my first favorite as a pre-teen, and isn’t written that well, but I love the story and see how much it influenced me. A girl takes off in her car in the middle of the night to get away from life, and picks up two hitchhikers, and they decide to stop at the “Bardo Club”. They trade stories until the twist is revealed….

She attempted to kill herself, is in a coma, and they died a long time ago in a robbery (I think?), eventually she pulls through.

PS: “Bardo” is a state between life and death in Buddhism. I did not pick up on that when I was eleven.

Are you 24 hours online on WordPress site?

No, but I get notifications on my phone.


Anyone who wants to play along. 🙂



“The Idiot” – Iggy Pop

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In honor of Father’s Day, here’s an album my father and I both love.

Iggy Pop transitioned from The Stooges a solo career. Then, he and David Bowie, spent time in Berlin, and this album is a product of that era. Because of this, the production gives strong evidence of Bowie’s work.

My little China Girl,
You shouldn’t mess with me.
I’ll ruin everything you are.
I’ll give you television.
I’ll give you eyes of blue.
I’ll give you men who want to rule the world.

David Bowie produced this song, but Iggy recorded it originally, then David repurposed the song for his own devices. I love how this song intersects drugs & love, ’cause that was a large part of my life.

Listen to me, Sister Midnight;
You put a beggar in my heart.
Calling Sister Midnight-
You’ve got me walking in rags.
Hey, where are you, Sister Midnight?
Can you hear me call?
Can you hear me well?
Can you hear me at all…?

Forever, Together Alone Tag

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♡The Rules:♡

  1. Thank the person who started this tag (Luna) and link the blog back!
  2. Answer the questions the person has set up for you! (#7 Stays The Same Forever!)
  3. Tag some peeps back who you think or know are not in a relationship or have a crush!
  4. Post your favourite picture you have on your desktop! (idk why just do it XD)

Do you a movie/book crush you wish was real:

Hm. I don’t think I really think about characters in that way, this is weirdly difficult for me. I don’t read/watch a lot of romance-oriented media, so mostly all I can think of are disturbed male characters that would be good to have conversations with and get high with.

Seriously, the best I can do here is bring up Todd from Bojack Horseman. Tod is really sweet and good-natured, but also lives on his best friend’s couch, ambitionless to the point that even I’m a little worried,  isn’t the brightest bulb in the drawer, seems like the ultimate pothead, and is asexual.

That’s like, more like the type of guy I spent my mid-twenties with (minus the asexual componant) than someone I would theoretically get involved with now.


I’m moving around way too much, and just have too much internal/external stuff I need to work on to want to be in a relationship.



What are some problems you think come with relationships:

Oh, dear. Trust and communication issues, mainly.

Trust issues: Dated a guy who was once stabbed by an ex. Used to think the woman was crazy, now I want to hang out with her and compare war wounds. The guy hit me, cheated on me, lied to my face, made shit up about me, ate more than half my drugs, and generally just fucked with my ability to live a calm, orderly life.

He was a good lay though, so he had that going for him.

But uh, my point is here that since then I’ve had a really hard time opening up to anyone and extending trust to potential romantic partners. I really need to work on that before I get involved again.

Communication: I’ve been called an ice princess before. I tell people that there’s a problem, or going to be one, but apparently I don’t communicate the point strongly enough. Then they do whatever, and I’m pissed off and don’t want to talk it over, so I shut down until I can be calm, and mostly now I just rage-quit unless there’s something worth saving or I’m just completely goddamn guilted into a painful, soul-sucking slog.

I feel like I’m super-giving, and then people take advantage of it so long and so hard, give nothing in return, and wonder why I just fucking disappear. I am required to teach adults how to be human beings? Is this in my job description somewhere?

I was in a pretty fast scene for a while, so I was in a lot of impulsive, poorly planned relationships for a few years there. Like, seriously, not trying to diss myself too hard, but it just seems like my “standards” for a couple years there boiled down to: funny, uses drugs, and good in bed, has been in my life for a minimum of three hours.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to have less issues in life now that my social life isn’t just random long-term drug addicts.

Still bitter, though.


Would you ever want to have a kid:

Eh….My partner would have to have a healthy family and be pretty stable for this to happen. My family’s pretty unhealthy, and I don’t have a good track record for stability. I’ve moved more in the last few years than most people probably do in twenty years. I don’t want to subject a child to what my life’s been like so far.

Do you like to write poetry:

Of course.


Do you want to get married/ be in a relationship:

Eh…If someone worth commiting to enters my life.


Do you think romantic love is worth everything and you should give up everything for it:

I used to be an overly-idealistic “love conquers all” type, grew up with a very Catholic viewpoint and was totally ready to spend my life being a good wife to someone, and then life happened.

So, under most circumstances, no.

Your friends are worth it, though.


Are you in a relationship/have a crush or are you a lonely bean like me:

I have options, but there’s way too much baggage, and I feel like getting involved with anyone of these guys is basically like choosing between which drugs my life is going to revolve around a minimum of three months down the line.

So…basically I have feelings that I pretend don’t exist, because I’d rather spend my money on rent, going to school, saving for a car,  and occasionally doing dmt/random hallucinogenics. If I could not be living with friends, living in a crack motel, living in a homeless shelter/car, and other questionable situations for the rest of my life, well, that’d just be great, wouldn’t it?

Lonely bean for life.

My Favorite Picture:


My 18199419_221506671673453_8582165566133801390_n.jpgNominees Are:

The rest of my forever alone bloggers (you know who you are!)

June 16 Poem.

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Stretching forth toward the sun throughout time

A tensile strength expands within my core

The world changes, but undaunted I climb

Guarding those who crawl, aiding those who soar

Others hurry past my post on this shore

Now others encroach, but still I abide

Altering form does not mean one’s died

Imagine panning dirt away from gold
Clearing oneself to reveal beauty untold


(I was prompted write a poem from the point of view of a tree and it turned into this.)