1984

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My greatest fear isn’t anything material that I could be locked in a room with. If I have a major fear at this point in my life, it’s that I won’t find someone who’s capable of love in the same way I am – I have major fears about not being loved back, but also about getting close to someone that can’t love themselves in the same way.I mean this in the context of both a romance or a close friendship. When I love someone, I adore them and want the best for them, even if I don’t always know how to promote it.

Even the idea of being single for life doesn’t bother me so much at this point, I always have myself and my best friend, and sometimes being with a person is more negative for you than just being alone.

I guess if my main source of love in my adult life is my relationship with my best friend and myself -I hope not – well, at least they’re both wonderful relationships and I feel blessed to have such a stable and loving relationship with my best friend, and my relationship toward myself has never been so positive.

The two main issues with relationships with others in my life are that I couldn’t love myself until very recently (thank you for fixing that, Narcotics Anonymous & Alcoholics Anonymous!), and the objects of my love, for the most part, couldn’t love themselves either. Throw in substance abuse, impulsive behavior, slight paranoia, and well, you end up with most of my life, which is complete chaos and far too much drama – up until recently. Thank god for recovery, therapy, and healthy people.

Something that had a huge impact on me that I don’t discuss a lot is the death of an ex-boyfriend. I had broken up with him a couple weeks before he died…he had a seizure after he injected methadone and died due to a seizure. He had epilepsy, as far as I know, no one knows what exactly caused his death. He didn’t “need” to die – what happened was the couple he was with panicked, and didn’t take him to the hospital until after he died – they were way more concerned with being inconvenienced or possibly catching charges than ensuring that another human being lived.

I realize this isn’t my fault, and that this isn’t something that I could have changed or fixed. I have one hell of a guilt complex, but even I can’t hold myself responsible for this. I don’t want to go into why I broke up with him, but I feel like I was justified in my actions.

What DOES make me feel regretful and selfish is how I behaved toward him after we broke up. He didn’t take it well, and kept trying to win me back and called me a lot, and sent me a ton of texts…After a while, I completely stopped responding to him.What makes the situation worse is that we had a mutual female friend that loved the both of us. She saw how much pain he was in, and  really wanted us to get back together, and it was a subject that caused a lot of friction between us.

I saw him once, briefly, downtown before he died, and I really wish I would have been sweeter to him…not just then, but in general. He was one of those people who never had enough love as a child or adult, I don’t think people, in general, treated him like he had any degree of worth and he certainly didn’t treat himself like he had any… He was very sweet and open, and I got the impression that he’d do anything for a friend. I’m not saying he didn’t have issues, but he was ultimately a good person.

So, it’s altered the way I act toward people. Even if there are issues in the relationship, and, hell, especially when I’m in conflict with someone, I try to emphasize how much I regard and value I have for the person and try to find a common ground on whatever issue is causing us trouble. When I do have to leave a relationship, I think I go a little overboard with trying to make sure the other person doesn’t receive my actions as hatred toward them so much as an act of self – preservation on my part…I don’t know, I spend 75% of the time telling the person they are amazing and end it with “I can’t see you again”, which has to be a confusing message to receive.

Ultimately, I wouldn’t be in the psychological place – which isn’t perfect, but it’s significantly healthier than how the inside of my head was for most of my life,  without a lot of negative events and suffering. I consider these experiences to be my best teachers.

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