Maybe things don’t change.
Everyone seeks their own end.
Though I wish that I
Had the strength to change for good
An addict is an addict
Maybe there is hope
Put your faith in God, they say
He can move mountains
Every day is a new chance
To get things right, but I can’t
Acclimate to life
My split soul yearns to heal whole
I could’ve been great
Now I’m just another waste
Everyone seeks their own end.
I write because writing orders the chaos in my brain. Imagine walking into your front room after an earthquake. Your broken possessions are scattered on the floor, and the furniture is askew… This is what the inside of my head is like before I write.
Writing, for me, is akin to surveying the damage, discarding what I cannot repair, and setting the rest right. As a secondary goal, I write because I hope that sharing my difficulties in life provides hope and inspiration for other people.
I’ve had a lifelong struggle with depression, and a long-running issue with self-destructive behaviors such as addiction. I also hope my writing provides insight into the life of dually diagnosed people and disproves some of the stereotypes we suffer from.
Day One of Finding Everyday Inspiration
Here’s an overview of the month, a post round-up, and a quote that describes the general feeling of the month:
- Still getting A’s in both my classes and feel confident I will do well this semester.
- Got most of my doctor visits taken care of, there’s nothing wrong with me besides my leg and low vitamin D, which I have supplements for.
- Started working out, I have constructed a workout plan and a weekly weigh-in, so I’m accountable and all set to go on that.
- I have a lot of posts pre-written, including”365 Days of Writing Prompts”, and other features pre-written and ready to go, so in case I get busy I won’t disappear.
- I have a to-do list that could rival the size of the national agenda.
- I’m getting restless. I have my days planned out and have a lot of things to do, but I’m ready to find someone to go do drugs with for 3 weeks to 3 months. I’m taking measures to prevent this.
- I broke my glasses. I don’t see my eye doctor for another three days, so it will be a least another week of looking at everything that’s over three feet away from me with a suspicious and angry-looking face.
“I Got One More High Left in Me”-Video clip from “The Wire” starring Steve Earle. His character is giving a talk at an N.A. meeting.
“Heaven and Hell Exist in the Mind and Some Incoherent Rambling…”-I drop a little philosophy and say there are people I love who have a kind of energy freaks me out now. Since then I’ve found out that an empath could also mean a person who’s sensitive to energy. I will still buy sage, though.
“Change is the Only Constant” – I discuss my relapse and how change is the only consistent thing in my life.
Here’s a link to all the poetry I’ve written this month.
I don’t mean to close the door
But for the record my heart is sore
You blew through me like bullet holes
Left stains on my sheets and stains on my soul
You left me broke down begging for change
Had to catch a ride with a man who’s deranged
He had your hands and my father’s face
Another western vampire
Different time same place
I’m a shake you off though
Get up on that horse and
Ride into the sunset
Look back with no remorse
Painting: Franz Marc, “The Blue Horse”
Lyrics: Cocorosie, “Werewolf”
Here, artists lament what has befallen them, and work to rise above their circumstances.
1.Who’s Gonna Save My Soul? – Gnarls Barkley
2. Gods and Monsters – Lana del Rey
3. Forgot I Was Alive – Dax Riggs
4. The Soul of a Man – Blind Willie Johnson
5. Werewolf – Cocorosie
6. Empire – Bomb the Bass ft. Sinead O’ Connor
My first thought this morning was wondering why I dreamt about Bill Cosby putting a box of soda over his head and shouting “I LOVE IT IN MY BOX.”.
Many things are wrong with me.
“Life is a long grift…”
The lines by your eyes lifted;
Messy hair, stubble.
Rolling papers in your hand.
“…for sweet sinners such as us”