People, ideas, emotions, and places, have been fading in and out of my life at an increasing pace over the past two years. I’ve met new people, reconnected with some, lost contact with others, and what happens with each gives me a sense of who I was, who I am, and who I hope to be.
The thing about reconnecting with people is that some of them are exactly as you left them, some have evolved into more advanced creatures, and some make you doubt that you ever knew them.
My view that anything in this world is static, unchanging, and that people-especially those I’ve ever gotten close to- behave in a predictable manner is completely eradicated. It gives me hope for positive change in myself and others, but it also makes me violently uncertain about everything. It also makes me value the few people that have remained constants in my life over the past decade or so.
Also, I had a “sobriety hiccup” with synthetic marijuana. I wouldn’t call it a full-fledged relapse. If anything, it was a forced realization that drugs don’t contribute to peace and order in my life. Ultimately, it’s something best left in the past.
Before this happened, I’ve slowly become more liberal with using natural supplements; I’ve stopped communicating with my sponsor as often; I was drifting into a position of “negligent calmness” about soft drug use. When I used, I didn’t get the experience I wanted, but I think I got what I needed.
It was my first time with k2 (synthetic marijuana). It’s not as bad a high or as good a high as I’ve heard…the stuff that’s around now is significantly more toxic than it was when it first came out; I’d advise against using it because of that.
I was hoping for something in the manner of an amphetamine high-although k2 is known as synthetic marijuana, it’s nothing like that sweet, innocent, little plant. It immediately gives you a stimulant kick, which I enjoyed. If you’ve used marijuana, and gotten introspective, it did that to me, but on a profoundly deeper level than I’ve experienced with marijuana.
However, I use drugs to get OUT of my head, not further into it- which is why I love methamphetamine, it makes me confident, outgoing, and one with the world around me. Until the whole deal goes sour, haha. Basically, I wouldn’t pay for k2, but I wouldn’t put it on my “to be avoided at all costs” list.
I was alright until I hit the pipe too much at the end. I went into a weird headspace where I thought the person I was with was able to read and remove my thoughts. It was deeply unpleasant, as I feel like my one final defense is the fact that no one, thankfully, can tell what is going on in the flaming post-apocalyptic carnival that is my mind.
The fact that taking me home was a good idea was communicated at some point. I don’t remember that clearly. However, I DO remember stuttering nonsense, running into the house, running back out to give the person a thumbs up…and then awkwardly running away again…all on a partially healed broken leg, so the use of “running” is pretty liberal here.
I am awesome at life.
My goals for this year are better health, continued education (I’ve taken up reading again, but more importantly, re-enrolled in college- I’m taking a degree in medical coding & billing), increased stability and self-reliance.
It’s also my birthday in less than ten days (the twenty-first). My 20’s are nearly over, as I’m turning 29. I’m hoping this will be known as my chaotic decade.
Also, William S. Burroughs is my forever Valentine.