Dear preteen me:
Most girls your age are into Britney Spears, and there you are, idolizing dead gay men who did loads of drugs and had very confusing love lives. GUESS HOW YOUR LIFE TURNS OUT.
(HINT: Your dream of being the female William S. Burroughs/Hunter S. Thompson/Charles Bukowski/Allen Ginsberg WILL NOT HAPPEN)
Yes, you’re an outsider. Moving to a Catholic school populated by children that who have known each other since kindergarten would be difficult for anyone. You were home-schooled until now, so considering that you do well.
Knock off the guilt. Also, Try a little harder to make friends with your own gender. You end up being the nice, smart girl with glasses who is BFFs with all the weird guys. This becomes your role in life, and it will exhaust you by the end of your twenties because they’ve all moved onto serious problems – as did you, for a while, my dear, but let’s not talk about things that would make your little 12-year-old Catholic brain explode- and you will spend a lot of time worried.
You’re doing well in school and you continue to do so, but you get apathetic toward the end of high school and end up dropping out of college a few times for stupid reasons. Don’t let yourself do that.
You will also date women, and be very in love with one until you’re in your mid-twenties, and then you will switch to men. It will be the most confusing thing that ever happened to you. Again, you will experience the shoe being on the other foot – waiting for someone to come home, and come home loaded – maybe you’ve not been as bad as most of the men in your life, but the guilt will kill you. Your poor innocent ex-girlfriend will still catch up with you every once in a while to see if you’re sober. She catches you at a sober moment, but you’re never sure if she quite believes you.
The one incident that proves my point is you will find a man who could be, under different circumstances, the love of your life, but the two of you will mainline heroin and methamphetamine and part ways because you’re both afraid of being responsible for each other’s death. This will not be the one relationship ruined by mutual drug use. You will give up most of your friends and love them from a distance for all your sakes.
Then, you will bounce back into recovery – as in, you will be in Alcoholics Anonymous/Narcotics Anonymous, off and on in your mid-twenties, and you will make friends with his mother. Now, you will now know how parents of “lost children” – parents of people like you and most of the people you love – feel. It will kill you in a way nothing else does, and one hope of mine is that any children I have aren’t addicts.
So, one word of advice, please don’t use drugs and drink. It will screw with you on so many levels you can’t even imagine. Think about what benefits you more than what numbs the pain.
Everyday Inspiration – Day Eight: Reinvent the Letter Format