I came to the revelation that alcohol and drug use is the most stupid thing in the world at 3am this morning.
I feel better for a few hours, and act like a complete moron throughout and after, now I’m sweating, grinding my teeth and experiencing completely random moods throughout the day.
The puzzle piece that was missing for me in sobriety, I think – Alcohol could slow my mind and numb my conflicting ideas and emotions, and I thought I became superwoman on meth and well – no, I’m more like a rabies ridden puppy that wants to cuddle.
What my feelings on this issue are going to be in approximately five hours, no one knows! It’s like a roller-coaster I jumped on because I enjoyed it as a kid. Turned out I took my loved ones along for a hell ride on a rickety-old coaster, but we all survived.
The only way out is through this experience, and remembering that this crap isn’t worth it.
Mea freaking culpa.
Luckily, my psych course has assignments again this week, and my medical terminology class is tough as always. and there’s a couple Coursera courses on Buddhism starting next week, so I should be more occupied.
I’m officially restarting my program, because I let that slip. I’m doing daily reflections and restarting my stepwork. I don’t have someone to go through it with me at this time, but this will keep me occupied and help me figure out where some more “holes” in my thinking are.