180 degrees

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(day two sober: w00t. Since I wrote this I relapsed, and had to go into “remorseless bitch exorcising people from my life” mode; a hallmark of “what did I do with my life” and “I am clearly not allowed to make my own decisions at the moment.”. Either way, that was another 180 degree turn…)

My life is a series of 180 degree turns – I’m a weird combination of a nice, shy girl and a remorseless party animal, so you can’t always tell which way a decision will go with me.

My quickest turn around would be going to rehab in 2014. I was homeless, and my drug and alcohol excesses led to a traumatic rape. I ended up with the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder afterward – high pulse, jumpiness, paranoia – an absolute wreck.

I became suicidal and lost my ability to sleep at night… The staff at the shelter caught on to the sudden change in behavior. The director talked with me and I spoke honestly. He drove me to the emergency room and stayed with me while the nurses took my history and got me ready for admission to the psych ward.

I was so destroyed that the weekend doctor put me on topcoat and Haldol. Depakote is for severe bipolar disorder, and Haldol is a medication for schizophrenia. For comparison, under normal circumstances, I’m just on antidepressants.

So, I spent the rest of the weekend as a zombie, until my regular doctor came in, and fixed my medication, and asked me the one hundred thousand dollar question – he asked if going to rehab was an option because he could get me a bed. A woman from Casa Clare interviewed me a few days later, and I spent four months there.

I stayed clean for six months afterward until I made the mistake of dating in my first year of sobriety, though, I wouldn’t have been able to get or stay clean without this experience, so I’m grateful.

4 thoughts on “180 degrees

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