Hell Week/ “Social Engineering”

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My best friend are inagurating our own holiday, named Hell Week. So far this week, everything that could and wasn’t expected to go wrong has for the BOTH of us. The list is endless, really. Each year, we’re going to celebrate the disasters we’ve survived since last hell week.

I’m doing the old early recovery friendship cleansing routine, and have gotten in more disagreeable conversations with men than I have in…my whole life? 😛 I wrote two little friendship break up letters, for lack of a better phrase, and had the worst phone call of my life, and just you know what I got out of it?

A half an hour diatribe about my self-centeredness and the futility of the recovery movement, to “okay”, to “you are inconsequential to me”. Oh yeah, and diatribe boy ended the speech with “You’re gonna do what you’re gonna do here, but wanna get high for old times sake?” :O BAHHHH I DATED HIM WHY.

It’s like the story of crabs in a bucket. Fishermen use crabs to catch fish, and when one crab tries to escape, the other crabs it back down.

I guess I’m lucky these people  are making this easy for me, dude. I had this whole thing in my head that apparently these people gave a crap about me, and would at least miss me/feel shitty about me having nothing to do with them…

Guess I’ve been wasting my time again. I’m kind of a loner, I don’t really mess with people extensively unless I see some value in them…I was hanging on, dreaming of comradie, and mutual respect, and I just got poop flung at me. *sigh* You know what, it says worse about the other person than what it says about me. Screw it, man.

My head IS spinning. I used to be this passive little nothing that put up with everything, and now I’m basically chopping people’s heads off…alright, that is an exaggeration, but my best friend at least made it better by saying that there’s a team of people that WANT to see me succeed, and none of these people were on Team Successful Joss.

Maybe I lost most of my fun/interesting friends in the last couple days, but my stress level hasn’t been this low since I started talking to this guys again. I don’t think addicts realize how much chaos and self-destructive self-centeredness they foist upon others, at least I didn’t. This is one of those moments where I want to find my ex-girlfriend and throw myself at her feet in apology.

She had to put up with my crazy ass for six years, man. HOW DID SHE MANAGE? HOW.

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