Day 4 Sober: Men, the Pink Cloud, and Vulnerability

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I can’t have men who use in my life anymore…A few years ago, I dated one guy with a lot of health problems due to drug and alcohol use, and another one who died…I get way too keyed up and worried now. I pretty much imagined every addict in my life being dead, and just got so…overly involved in things I can’t control. Again. I just want to eat their pain. Or I want to fix it, until I realize I can’t, and then I decide to just walk the path of death with another…or a couple of them, since I’m indecisive and conflicted as anything that’s ever existed.

That’s uh…a hallmark of psychological normality, I’m sure.

Man, I don’t know. Since dating those guys, I just…jump to “OH MY GOD, YOU NEED HELP. I CAN HELP. OR DIE TRYING.” I need a therapist, and need to stop trying to be one. I mean, this shit isn’t good for me or my patients…victims? patients?

at least I have an excuse not to date until next year again. Yayyyyyyy. Nothing kills a man’s attempt to get something going better than “Yeah, I’m afraid if we have a tiny argument I’m going to end up with a needle in my arm, a bottle in my other hand & a psychotic melt-down, so yeah…let’s just be friends.”

I’m attracted to things that need love and rescuing, and this never fails to bite me in the ass. As soon as I move, I’m finding the local animal shelter and volunteering so I can get my “helping the lost puppies” yayas in that way.

Thank god for my best friend and sponsor, dude, without those two I’d be up crap’s creek with a companion and zero paddles. Again.

I’ve pretty much psychologically divorced myself from these feelings about guys (until I started writing this post, haha) at this point, because I have that luxury…I realize that these train-wrecks are still going to happen…I’m making myself physically ill thinking about this…erm…time to change the subject…

Everything that I CAN control in my life is fine, though: Losing weight, doing well in school, working the program, getting ready to move away from the hell that is this part of Wisconsin…

I’m actually in a pink cloud in general and feel free and clean of my past sins. I’m a person with value, like anyone else, and I can repair my life. A lot of people don’t get this opportunity to fix themselves and I should cherish this, I suppose. I’m extremely grateful that I’m able to have the program in my life & have people to talk to. I need to stay focused on my own vulnerability as much as I would rather focus on someone else’s needs and problems. Someone else? Anyone else, lol. Somebody out there got a hang-nail I can fuss over?

tldr; joss needs to rescue herself, but she’d rather try to fix your problems.

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