Day Five Sober: The Windmill of the Mind

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Internal conflict is becoming an increasing motivator to relapse for me. Not at the moment – I am somewhat lobotomized post-relapse and peaceful and comfortable, thank you very much – but prior to my last two relapses, I had gone into “Marlene” and “Joss” mode. “Marlene/addict self”, after Marlene Dietrich, the androgeneous sex bomb who was the  ultimate combination of class and lady-of-the-night with a gorgeous type of self-will and “good self/Joss”, sweet, perpetually optimistic, and who just wants everyone else to be happy, even if she isn’t.

It’s a fight that ends when “Marlene” and “Joss” both decide on some course of action, which is typically something self-sacraficing and self-defeating, but involves a lot of chemical fun and easy dopamine release.

Schoolwork is beyond my mental capabilities at the moment. Small five minute chunks are all I can manage, but housework is within my capibilites. I rewashed my sheets, cleaned up the house, organized my books, and accomplished mindless tasks yesterday.

Days ago, I wanted nothing more than the conflicting and never-ending thoughts to end – the fight between my “good self/Joss” and “addict self/Marlene”, and after this particular skirmish, the addict has disappeared, and the “good self” is hobbling around wounded and incapable of advanced thought- but peaceful.

 

Sigh. In terms of statistics, I’m going to be having these occasional relapses throughout life, and I am grateful that they are getting less frequent and intense. I need to focus on decreasing the time between knowing I need to take action, and the time when I actually take action. What I mean is I knew I needed to step my program back up and stop associating with men from my past, but I kept doing it until I stopped caring and relapsed.

Also, on a more superficial level, sadness and too much time on my hands are bad for me, but being around people, places, and things that I have conflicted opinions on will kill me.

 

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