Day Six Sober: Knowing, but Not Feeling

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“The origin of suffering, as a noble truth, is this: It is the craving that produces renewal of being accompanied by enjoyment and lust, and enjoying this and that; in other words, craving for sensual desires, craving for being, craving for non-being.”

“Cessation of suffering, as a noble truth, is this: It is remainderless fading and ceasing, giving up, relinquishing, letting go and rejecting, of that same craving.”

“Dhammacakkappavattana Sutta: Setting Rolling the Wheel of Truth”, translated by Ñanamoli Thera


In the darkest hole, you’d be well advised
Not to plan my funeral ‘fore the body dies, yeah
Come the morning light, it’s a see through show
What you may have heard and what you think you know, yeah

Let the sun never blind your eyes
Let me sleep so my teeth won’t grind
Hear a sound from a voice inside

Sure to play a part, so you love the game
And in truth your lies become one and same, yeah
I could set you free, rather hear the sound
Of your body breaking as I take you down, yeah

-“Grind”, Alice in Chains

A hallmark of the noble ones is that they do not flow along thoughtlessly with the stream of life, but endeavor to comprehend existence from within, as honestly and thoroughly as possible.  For us, too, it is necessary to reflect upon the nature of our life. We must attempt to fathom the deep significance of an existence bounded on one side by birth and on the other by death, and subject in between to all the types of suffering detailed by the Buddha in his discourses.

“The Nobility of the Truths”, Bhikkhu Bodhi


List of 3 weird thoughtlets occurring during meditation:

  1. Life is nothing but a game we all take much too seriously. Have fun and play, self.
  2. My heart knows there’s Divinity, but I’ve moved to a much too low frequency to FEEL Divinity, without the illusion of intoxication.
  3. It is nobler to pursue a healthy cocreation with the Higher Self and Divinity than “playing small” and creating a union with one your lower self craves. You’re seeking God, not human love, and what you were about to do was place someone flawed and human on a pedestal again, and humans aren’t meant to bear that burden. Mea Culpa.

The one that really confuses me is the “knowing, but not feeling” one. That’s the one state that confuses me to no end and led me to relapse. When I know something, especially a course of action, but my feelings are leading me else where.

One of the relationships I just ended – I guess almost two of them, felt like I was talking to the brokenness of my psyche from a few years ago. It was strange and hypnotic. If there’s an image that represents the experience, it would be holding yourself as a crying child…

That feeling really screws with your objectivity, man.

I think that small relapse and revisiting men from my past really helped me grow. Here’s the line-up: the boyfriend that I had a tumultuous and at times abusive relationship with, the boyfriend that I had a peaceful, but drug-fueled relationship with, and the confusing male friend. Found a place of peace, understanding, and detachment with all of them. If it took a little drug use and some tears and frustration to get this peace and understanding, than so be it. It was worth it. If I have one wish, it’s that I see them again in the rooms (in a recovery meeting)…my best efforts amounted to nil but my own relapse, what a perfect reminder of my own frailty and need to focus on my own brokenness.


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