I’ve been struggling with using a term for myself for a while. It is considered traditional and accepted for women to be somewhat addicted to love – we all know the stereotype of the housewife with a romance novel and a box of chocolates, but I’m different. I’ve lost any inhibition to referring to myself as an alcoholic or a drug addict, and I do use the term “addict” because of its generality – I joke around that I’m addicted to anything I touch, and there’s one more “layer” to my disease.
I’ve been redoing my first step, and I believe not that treating this as the addiction that it is- is part of what has led me to relapse. I’ve been treating it as me being weak-willed, or easily manipulated when intoxicated, and that’s not the truth. I’m not looking to get a relationship out of these rendezvous, and I generally pick men that are just outside my social circle enough that I can detach if needed, and sometimes go a little more random than that so I don’t have consequences. There’s too much forethought that’s going into it, it’s the same as what I do when I need to score.
I’m not delighted to publically admit this, but open admission and destigmatization lead to less guilt, suffering, and acting out for myself and fellow addicts and raises general understanding. I hope that if one random girl on the internet admits to it, it’ll make it easier for other female denizens of the world to admit and treat this addiction.
Well, following the fact that when I’m acting on my illness, I’m avoidant toward emotional attachment. I’m very shy and propriety oriented, so I think I’ve been unintentionally sliding this past my past sponsors, but…I have issues with craving and seeking emotionless and attachment free sex. I crave the power and the risk…This would make me a sex addict.
It’s empowering to admit this and get this out of my head, but I believe that my next sponsor needs to be aware and capable of working with me on this as well as the drug issues. I feel stronger that I was able to abstain from drugs and irresponsible sex for a year, but I’m certain that treating my addiction needs to include this, and the first step is admitting that you’re powerless…
I’m going to go back into therapy, actually, to work on these issues at least until I can find a sponsor.
Clean date: May 12, 2017