March is almost over – this month has absolutely flown by. This has been an awesome week. I’m still doing well in school, and the courses I’m taking through Coursera (Free education-sign up!) have started, class on Buddhism & Modern Psychology, Demystifying Meditation, and an Introduction to Classical Music course on top of my regular studies.
Of course I’ll keep you guys updated when interesting tidbits come up in my classes.
We’re doing basic body scan meditation in Demystifying Meditation. It definitely helps me be in my body more – I’ve always been disconnected. It was unpleasant at first, but I’m really starting to enjoy physical sensations more, and my diet is almost magically cleaning itself up.
I’m getting over the sensation of lack that I have when sober. It’s difficult to explain, but I have a feeling up emptiness from the middle of my chest through my stomach under normal circumstances…I’m starting to lose that feeling, and pick up on sensations and the good that’s around me more. I feel happier and more stable than I have in a long time – if you don’t have a physical practice, I’d really recommend it, especially if you have depression and anxiety.
Otherwise, I’ve been looking at trigger points-points where your muscles hold tension and knot up- and getting into self-massage. I didn’t know it was possible, but I had maybe twenty plus muscular knots in my thighs that I got out and I feel indescribably good now. I don’t know if they were always there, or if they developed from sitting in a wheelchair for a couple weeks and not being active for a few months after my leg broke, but I walk a lot better now. It’s actually an incredible change…I feel better than I did ten years ago. It’s like my legs are finally getting enough blood flow, and my anxiety levels have plummeted. My legs haven’t felt this good since heroin. Lol, it obviously hasn’t done anything about my weight, but I feel all shiny and brand new. Rubbed a knot the size and consistency of a hard boiled egg out of my left leg (the leg that broke)…and my leg looks different now, lol. Some knots came back, but when I stop being so sore those suckers are going on the chopping block, lol.
Small trade-off: my thighs are covered in bruises now from getting out the muscle tension. Whatevers, god knows nobody else is gonna be looking at these things for a while. This is probably the most of I’ve noticed/talked about my body in years, lol.
Also, I’ve been looking into the enneagram system. The enneagram is another interesting personality sorting system – this one goes into more detail about what your psychology, and helped me realize that I need steady, dependable, low-stress people in my life, considering that I have trust issues and value stability. The Myers-Briggs helps me understand how other’s function from my knowledge of it, and the Enneagram is more helpful with self-improvement and self-knowledge. Here’s a test to find your type. Wikipedia has more info, as does the Enneagram Institute.
My type is 6 with a 5 wing, so the virtues I need to work toward are courage and non-attachment – which is exceptionally consistant with what I’ve noticed myself over the years.
I’ve been blessed this week with a greater sense of calm and a greater faith in God. Letting go of people has been a gift – I know now that the same God that watched over me in addiction is watching over them, and I need not interfere in the process…and frankly, it’s better if I keep my big meathooks out of it. 😉
Turning it over to has become my new hobby. As soon as I feel my brain start to go to that ruminating place, I picture myself turning over a package -sometimes I picture putting objects related to what I’m worried about in the box, wrapping it, and placing it another pair of hands. Top that off with a quick prayer, and we’re good to go.
I think surrender happened. Now that I realize that all of my broken parts are aspects of addiction, its easier for me to move on and begin to repair them. No holding anything off until later, just mindful decision-making in the present. *sigh* After years of struggle, I discover that it really is just that easy sometimes.