Onward and Upward

Comments 2 Standard

Well I hope that someday, buddy
We have peace in our lives
Together or apart
Alone or with our wives
That we can stop our whoring
And pull the smiles inside
And light it up forever
And never go to sleep
My best unbeaten brother
This isn’t all I see

“I See a Darkness”

This world needs “friendship breakup” cards. Imagine yourself in the position where you need to terminate a relationship. However, you still have love, respect, and good wishes for the other party.

You could just go to the store and get something that says “I love you, but I need to go do other things with my life now”, or “I’m not sure about reincarnation, but I hope that in a few lifetimes the two of us will get another chance”.

I’ve pushed myself out of comfort zone with meetings – I’ve started sharing more, which is definitely a work in progress. You might not realize this about me, given how much I write… I’m actually not that much of a talker in real life, especially around people I don’t know well.

I can get 30 seconds – 3 minutes into a share at a meeting before my brain completely stops moving and I have to resort to thanking the group and muttering something about “claiming my seat” after at least half a minute of silence.

I’m perfectly capable of reading in front of the group, or saying something short and related to another share or daily reflection, but I just cannot talk about myself in an unstructured way. As soon as I switch from generalities to “I” statements – I just break down. It’s not anxiety, and the best theory I have going is based on the fact that  after my last attempt at sharing an old timer started talking about difficulty talking due to deep shame and not wanting to reveal the perceived ugliness of the self in early sobriety.


Another issue I have is talking to women. However, a few kind women have offered their assistance, and I’m actually able to open up to them. They have a lot of things that I want…also, I may be in the process of getting a temporary sponsor, and the woman I’ve asked is amazing, and we’ve had some of the same difficulties. Even if she can’t sponsor me, she’s offered to walk me through A.A’s Big Book, which excites me to no end.

Relatedly, women are encouraging abandon my relationship with my ex. It’s pretty one-sided in terms of who gets helped, and I don’t get a lot of gratitude for my effort, either. I’ve tried everything that I could with him to this point, and this relationship has become my primary source of stress. It saddens me, but I honestly think it’s best for me at this point – my primary emotions here are “helplessness” and “despair”.

It makes sobriety much more complicated than it needs to be at 23 days.

He might have several good points, but he kicked me around a lot when we were together and this just isn’t healthy for me. I can’t put my sobriety behind a man that’s destroyed his health, his relationships, and essentially his entire life due to substance abuse and sees no need to consider sobriety as of the last time I talked to him…

2 thoughts on “Onward and Upward

  1. Helplessness and despair are requisites for grace to find you imho.
    consider this, perhaps if you really cut him off and you are his last resort, it might save his life, but it’s out of your hands
    I’ve said it before She will save your life and make it richer and more fulfilling.
    sometimes just saying I’m Jeff I’m and addict/alcoholic I’m going to listen and pass is the most honest thing to say
    I did it last night, and the things I heard were a great help, I also am not trying to figure out what I’m going to say and miss something important for me to hear

    Liked by 1 person

    • When we dated his mother actually told me I was wasting my time with him…which pretty much nutshells his relationship with his family, but I’ve reached a point where I can’t even joke about knowing what to do, it’s best to admit that this is up to God, always was, and stay out it.
      Thank you for the tips. She’s a lovely woman from Ireland (I caught one from the mothership!), and from our conversations so far seems to have a really vigorous and serious program, and I need someone who’s going to re-teach me how to live,so this sounds like what I need.

      Liked by 1 person

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