I have come to the PROFOUND realization that I have been approaching everything wrong my entire life. This post is piggy-backing off of Mark Goodson’s awesome post called “The Struggle , which is amazing and you need to read it.
I’d realized prior to the last few weeks that I’ve made mistakes, but I’ve seriously been inherently off since in childhood…like, my entire approach to life was wrong, but it’s getting less wrong thanks to guidance. I remember feeling like everyone else had a “guidebook to life” that I didn’t get a copy of.
I was a quiet child, I preferred reading alone rather than playing. I was actually “home-schooled” until fifth grade, but my family was pretty dysfunctional, so this meant I was attending to my mother’s needs and spending time alone reading.
So, when I was in school, I mostly talked to the teachers, and well, when I WAS playing with other kids…
You know that weird boy who’d spend all of recess poking the mud with a stick, at least 50 ft over from the other children?
Yeah, just put a weird girl next to him and you have a mental image of my childhood. It pretty much was a variation on this theme throughout my childhood and adult life, with the exception of Julie. (hi bff if you’re reading!)
I assumed I was a lesbian because I was so much one of the guys throughout my life. Seriously. I was 25 before I even tried dating a guy*, and before that my straight encounters were limited to heavily intoxicated bullshit and my phrase at the time was “stimulation is stimulation.” I was that much of a guy.
*I did have that one boyfriend in high school, but we almost got each other kicked out of high school, so that was the end of that.
So, I had the mid-twenties headtrip of figuring out I was a bisexual, and at some point started to prefer men, and you know what? There’s the way a chick will torture you in a romantic relationship, and there’s a way a man will, and they are completely different experiences. I felt like I was dumped off alone in a Basque speaking country for about two years.
So, the fact that I can talk to women, we have things in common, and it is PLEASANT is a complete mindbender for me. I am so glad to have the guidance of a sponsor, and the program to keep me from going off and assuming I’m a hamster stuck in human form and need to cover the floor in wood shaving and construct myself a giant wheel. Because that’s probably the next crazy thing my head will come up with.
TL;DR: It took me 29 years to figure out that I’m actually relatively normal and boring, except for the craziness that was my life for about a decade because of substance abuse.
It’s a relief.