Being alive is such a blessing.
Spring is beautiful, new life is blossoming, and I’m learning a new way to live. Sobriety this time is much easier, because I decided to open myself to healthy people and take suggestions. My whole life has been pretty isolatory and self-willed – I was raised to think no one really cared and never fit in or expected to as a child/teen, so learning how to be open and trusting as an adult is difficult. Starting and keeping conversations going is difficult for me with new people, but it’ll come with time.
I opened up about my life story with my sponsor last night and I’ve been completely exhausted since. Slept well, woke up still being tired. I wasn’t that long-winded, and I jumped around a lot, but that’s the most I’ve ever sat down and verbally told someone at once, especially someone I don’t know well. Honestly, I am just worn out and feel physically exhausted. From talking. I don’t get it either.
I’m so closed off that my best friend, who’s known me for over 13 years, just found out that I was homeschooled as a child last November. I wouldn’t say I’m secretive necessarily, I was taught not to talk about myself, that no one was really interested and it’s better to listen to the other person. I have a lot to work on.
I don’t expect to always be this contented or happy, but living in this moment is beautiful. Every time I’ve let something go in the last year, God has given me something better. Reading more about Buddhism is teaching me not to cling to what I think I want, and that all things in this world pass. Having accepted that, it’s much easier to deal with change and loss.
I’m also grateful to be re-working the steps. I switched from N.A. to A.A., and I’m not sure if this is a program difference or a difference between my sponsors, but my original working of the steps was primarily me filling out the stepworking guide and reading my responses to my sponsor.
In A.A., or with my new sponsor, there’s more of a structure – reading assignments, and much more discussion of the program. I feel like I’m going to get more out of doing the steps this way.