If I had an autobiography, it’d be titled “What Not to Do”.

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…the first time in history I’ve developed a crush on someone because of a song.

Reminds me of a certain ex – well, I was with this type a couple times: a bit psychotic, but good in bed, and mostly good for business.

Story time, kids.

Before I first started dealing with people on the streets, most of the “drug people” in my life prior to that were fairly functional “weed/ sometimes hallucinogens/sometimes pills” types, so I much more willing to front* than I should have been.

*front means to extend something to someone else on credit.

So, six months down the line I’ve learned that nobody except for maybe two people get credit. Also, I’m hanging out with this guy, but he’s kind of customer so I don’t really wanna date him. We have this ongoing flirtation type thing going on, but basically, if you’re a dude and buy from me at this point in my life, I kinda act like if I was just *slightly* more impulsive or not in a relationship, we’d totally be an item. Everybody on the streets has an angle, dude.

Back to the point: I start bitching to him about how this chick I went to rehab who now owes me about $300, and she’s been dodging me and coming up with excuses every time I manage to corner her.

Dude tells me to call her up and let him talk to her. I’m kinda confused and like “Well, thanks, but I don’t think you’re gonna have any more luck than I’ve been having with her, etc.”

Twenty minutes minutes of “No, really, I can handle this” and “No, really, you don’t need to, it was a learning experience, etc.” and me thinking “Dude, what are you up to?”; I just fucking give up after a while and call her so at least this discussion ends and I can leave at some point that night without things being awkward, because it’s getting pretty apparent that it’s just going to be easier to let him do this thing.

Soo, the girl actually answers her phone, I hand the phone over to him. I can hear she’s surprised as hell to hear some guy on the other end…It goes like you would expect for a while, super-calm and normal in the beginning, inquiries into why I’m not getting paid back…until he starts talking about pulling teeth out of her head.  “I think fifty dollars a tooth should be about right” at which point I’m just like “Shit, this is who I’m alone with? GREAT DECISION MAKING, ME.”

So, he gets her to meet us at a gas station, and the woman is obviously terrified, and pays me back, swears she’s never going to do it again, and basically this is the last time she darkens my metaphorical door. Get to know dude a little better, he used to collect for a coke dealer…

So, this is the point where I thank him, and move to a different city, right? OF COURSE NOT.

I get over-excited and kinda have sex with him and date him for a while afterward. For the next two weeks I had people crawling both out of the woodwork and all over each other to pay me back, and as a side-benefit, I felt invincible. *

It was totally a great relationship, except for that time he was on meth and almost burned a guy’s face off with a lighter and hairspray over a stolen dirty gym shoe, and the fact that after a few months with him,  I was telling people I was walking into doors and other ridiculous things, and listening to “My Name is Luka”. Also he started to eat up my profit margin, because you know, girlfriends/boyfriends will do that.

Uh, don’t do drugs, kids.


*I also used to get into cars with strange men. I was very, very, bad at life for a while.

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