Decisions; Dreams

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I’ve been praying on and waying pros and cons on the situation on moving for the past however long. Recap of the situation: I’ve been planning on moving in with my best friend and her boyfriend for months, but my mom wants to divorce my father and get a duplex with me and split the ownership with me.

Interesting things my mind did when unexpectedly presented with a new option: Run-through a thousand negative experiences I had while homeless, and the three day period which is best summed up as “Gee, I’m worrying about something obsessively. Remember when I used heroin and everything was this lovely sweet haze of beauty? Oh wait, remember being homeless, having no money, and how much that sucked?”

Okay, drug segue over: I’m leaning toward moving in with my mom, despite our traditionally unstable relationship. Also, my parents have an unhappy marriage and I’ve had little interaction with my father since I hit puberty,  so I’ve gotten over feeling guilty about that aspect.

*lol, daddy issues. the struggle is real.

I wouldn’t say the decision has been officially made, but as of right now, that’s how I’m leaning.

Amused that I’d be caretaking for a person with addiction/mental health problems again, but at least this one gave birth to me and can’t/won’t beat my ass, and I’ve never had to call the cops to do a welfare check or file a missing person report on her//call 20 people to make sure she’s just gone, not dead, and I doubt these things will happen.*

*Still afraid I’m going to fall in love like a dumbass and end up in that situation again.

Christ, my life.

Not sure if I’m pursuing this option because for some reason I feel like it makes dating an asshole less likely for reasons known only to my subconcious. Like, I’d have school, a job, and my mom. No time for mentally unstable man-children with drug issues and dependency issues.

My mom is still my mom, though: “You need to get a boyfriend so we have someone to shovel the snow in winter.

…you’re still dating men, right?”

Also, the on/off nosebleed and headache continue, and I’m exhausted but can’t sleep for longer than 1-3 hours at a time. Had a super realistic dream that I went to a movie, and saw a guy that I’ve been avoiding. I decided to spent a ridiculous amount of time hiding in the movie theatre after the movie finished… only to walk out the door and see him standing there and get a speech about how I live my life…and he’s  someone who isn’t really in the position to give these kinds of lectures, but this does fall into the realm of things he would do.*

*He also passed out outside my old apartment using my wifi in his car one night, while looking super-scruffy and getting high. Cops knocked on my door at like 3am and I thought he was dead for 10 minutes.

This morning, I almost started texting my friend about this “really awkward thing that happened yesterday” that I didn’t know how to handle.  Then I tried to figure out what movie I saw, and why I decided to go see a movie in a different city by myself for no apparent reason. (The last time I was in a movie theatre was on a date three years ago, this isn’t really something I’d go do.)

Then it dawned on me.

2 thoughts on “Decisions; Dreams

  1. You clearly have the courage to engage in self-analysis leading to self-awareness, and although I don’t know you personally, from where I sit, I envision your life and your world getting brighter with each passing day. My own recovery was very 12 step based for the first 3 years and despite many personal philosophical problems I had with the whole thing, it helped me enormously and was right where I needed to be at that time. It also served as a sufficient preoccupation to ensure I avoided relationship-type melodrama for as long as I needed to gain the self-awareness to move forward confidently. Now the Dharma serves as the basis of my sobriety and should the right person come along, I no longer distrust myself in how I would handle such a relationship. But everything I just described in one small comment window actually spanned the better part of 5 years so…patience is key. Your writing is astounding.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, both for sharing your story and for the praise. It’s really relieving to hear from someone who’s gotten on the other side of this.

      Recovering from addiction and other issues is complex, and I’m beginning to realize that it’s a much more lengthy and trying process than walking into a Whatevers Anonymous meeting for the first time, and then going on to success and glory.

      I’ve always had an issue with considering a lapse into old behavior to just as much as a “failure” as a full-blown relapse. Or I just used that as an excuse for a while at first, lol.

      Liked by 1 person

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