Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.
I seem to have moved from clinging to indifferenced to hatred toward a few people in my life who I cut out a while ago. It was triggered by a dream (really! I am more insane and less spiritual than I thought, apparently)…
Honestly, I don’t really “do” anger and hatred to an extent that is probably unhealthy, so suddenly wanting to kick asses and verbally destroy people is new, unwelcome, and actually pretty uncomfortable for me.
I have legitimate reasons to be angry with these guys, but for this anger and disappointment to suddenly surface months-to-years after the events that they’re related to is just incredibly strange.
Maybe this is a sign that I’m getting more in touch with my emotions and/or valuing myself more. Maybe this is me finally losing my mind.
All of these men had pretty crappy childhoods, have mental health issues, arrest records, and have been drug addicts for years,* so what exactly do I expect or think I’m going to get out of being pissed off at them? Why am I wasting energy on this?
*sans arrest record, me too. I actually try to be decent to people usually, though, so wtf their excuses are, I don’t know.
What is the point, really…
A lot of it is related to them refusing to get help or even acknowledge that they have faults, outside of some intoxicated attempt to garner pity, so I feel like they all have tremendous potential in some area that they’re wasting, and I feel like they failed at following the basic rules of human interaction with me/other people.
So, basically my problem here is my expectations, I guess…now that I’ve gone over to the “dark side” of interacting with stable, non-chaotic people I realize the hell I was subjecting myself to for no good reason, but now I’m subjecting myself to an unnecessary emotional hell.