I’d tell you to go kill yourself, but you’re doing that already//Help, I have emotions.

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Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.

Lilly Tomlin

I seem to have moved from clinging to indifferenced to hatred toward a few people in my life who I cut out a while ago. It was triggered by a dream (really! I am more insane and less spiritual than I thought, apparently)…

Honestly, I don’t really “do” anger and hatred to an extent that is probably unhealthy, so suddenly wanting to kick asses and verbally destroy people is new, unwelcome, and actually pretty uncomfortable for me.

I have legitimate reasons to be angry with these guys, but for this anger and disappointment to suddenly surface months-to-years after the events that they’re related to is just incredibly strange.

Maybe this is a sign that I’m getting more in touch with my emotions and/or valuing myself more. Maybe this is me finally losing my mind.

All of these men had pretty crappy childhoods, have mental health issues, arrest records, and have been drug addicts for years,* so what exactly do I expect or think I’m going to get out of being pissed off at them? Why am I wasting energy on this?

*sans arrest record, me too. I actually try to be decent to people usually, though, so wtf their excuses are, I don’t know.

What is the point, really…

A lot of it is related to them refusing to get help or even acknowledge that they have faults, outside of some intoxicated attempt to garner pity, so I feel like they all have tremendous potential in some area that they’re wasting, and I feel like they failed at following the basic rules of human interaction with me/other people.

So, basically my problem here is my expectations, I guess…now that I’ve gone over to the “dark side” of interacting with stable, non-chaotic people I realize the hell I was subjecting myself to for no good reason, but now I’m subjecting myself to an unnecessary emotional hell.

8 thoughts on “I’d tell you to go kill yourself, but you’re doing that already//Help, I have emotions.

  1. Maybe you realize that they have the power to help themselves and choose not to, thereby causing more pain for others around themselves? Just a suggestion. Hope this sorts out for the best.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! I think that’s where a lot of the frustration lies. It’s like they’re upset that they’re screwing up in life, and they know how/why they keep messing up, but there’s some gigantic disconnect between them knowing both these things and actually trying to fix it.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. There is no point in entertaining feelings of guilt for the things your subconscious needs to work out. While acting on rage and anger is a bad choice all around, the anger itself is simply part of what resides in your consciousness at this moment, and it makes perfect sense. Meditate, let the feelings of anger come, don’t judge them, don’t grasp them, and let them go. You’ll find they are as insubstantial as a dead dandelion. They will blow away of their own accord if left alone — and remember, they will almost certainly come back! — but they will seem less and less real every time. “Anger” by Thich Nhat Hanh is a deceptively simple little book that actually advises one to embrace one’s anger, like a baby that needs to be calmed of its tantrum. You sound like you’re handling all of this with much wisdom…even in saying that you’re doing the opposite, you are facing and working with those difficult emotions. It sucks, but there’s really no way around it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you – it’s hard to remember that nothing is permanent sometimes. Haven’t read “Anger”, but just read “How to Sit” by Thich Nhat Hanh. Love the fact he has five or so books with titles like “How to Eat”, How to Walk, etc., deep little books…

      Liked by 1 person

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