Compare and despair

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When I’m in Narcotics Anonymous, I feel like I was too much of an alcoholic and, for lack of a more appropriate word “innocent”. Not even close to everyone in N.A. is a former criminal, but when I do get into “what is used to be like” conversations, I’m just over here as a former consensual/victimless/non-violent criminal, and whoever I’m talking to has a history that’s a little more…”crime-ier”.
When I’m in Alcoholics Anonymous, I feel like I was Queen of the Friggin’ Night.

Some of the women I talk to in A.A. have stories along the lines of ” I know I had reached bottom when I wanted to drink white wine an hour before I was supposed to pick my kids up from school.”

Basically, this made-up woman burned her hand on the metaphorical stove once or twice, and figured out that touching a hot stove was a bad idea and she should look into getting help with her compulsive desire to touch hot stoves. Smart woman.

And then there’s me: “I had to burn down multiple houses and get multiple skin grafts multiple times before I figured out that there might be a flaw in the system somewhere.”

I can’t take me anywhere.

 

One thought on “Compare and despair

  1. To say that I can relate would be an understatement. While I certainly did my fair share of drugs, it was booze that was my biggest problem and for that reason, I spent 3 years attending A.A. meetings. I often felt like I’d gone through a time warp and landed in a scene from a 1940s film, with old guys who smelled of coffee and cigars saying things that sounded like “Yeah, see, I been around these rooms a long time, Daddy-O, so just 23-skiddoo with yer yap.” Okay, maybe that was 1950s jargon, I don’t know. With one exception (a post titled “Fair Game” wherein I compared A.A. with Scientology, tongue planted firmly in cheek), I try not to say much about my opinions of the whole 12 step ethos on my blog. I am friends with many amazing people for whom it is absolutely indispensable and I have no right to debate anyone’s recovery methods. If it works, I’m down. But there are many options that get precious little attention and I just wish alternatives would get more exposure so that all who struggle with substance abuse have somewhere to go that speaks to them in a way they understand.

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