(What happened to this month? Does anyone know?)
A-okay. Still good with my college classes, but getting overwhelmed with my Coursera classes. Kinda decided to haul off and take a full load with them, and I’ve been basically sleeping for the last week, so I need to re-evaluate what I’m taking. Finished some of my classes early, but I have classes that started last week that I honestly haven’t even looked at yet.
I’ve been sober all month, but it seems as time goes on I’m more affected by my brief adventures in hallucinogens, and aware of how they affected me. I think several things happened, but the best description of what’s going on with me is that I’m in the process of psychologically divorcing myself from my former self, and developing more boundaries between myself and the people in my life.
It’s like I’m more aware of how my brain reacts to things…um…it’s like my brain has been following a certain script all my life, and instead of being in the role of the audience who watches the show and has no foreknowledge of what’s happening, I have a better insight into what’s going to happen, why someone is doing something a certain way, but most importantly why I react to things in certain ways.
I see general patterns more…it’s like before I was walking in the woods, noticed that I kept seeing trees, but never thought to label the experience as “being in the woods”…or that I could potentially exit the woods, or that there were such things as “open fields” or “deserts”.
Christ, I sound like Dennis Hopper in Apocalypse Now, don’t I?
Being me right now is like simultaneously being Captain Willard/Martin Sheen’s character staring at the man babbling at him and being the man talking about “ragged claws scuttling across floors of silent seas”.
Like, “…just tell me where Colonel Kurtz is.”
I was talking to my best friend, and this is an off-quote: “Considering how your family is, you turned out quite well.” I guess I now I see my past self and myself currently (to some extent) as a product of a deeply dysfuctional environment (well, several, really), who didn’t realize that there were other options.
I think a lot of this was brewing before I relapsed, and an instrumental part of my relapse was moving back to my hometown and starting to hang out with people from my past again…It’s like I saw myself turning back into who I used to be at different points in my life, some of it bad, some of it good, but that in itself really helped me see how other people affect me.
I had to sever several deep ties, the painful ones were with men I did a lot of drugs with but also had really deep conversations with and there was a really deep mutual understanding of each other in these relationships, so on some level I’m mourning that.
I don’t know. I feel like I’m in the middle of an important psychological process, but I’m not really sure what it is, either.
I’m a little less “Syd Barrett-y”, now, though, I seem to be a little less completely withdrawn and avoidant of everything, which is always nice.
I generally post a song on these things, don’t I?