Inexplicable.

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Events that are deeply unexplainable and instantly magical don’t really happen to me. Well, except for when I eat mushrooms, but then, I ate mushrooms, so you know, that one explains itself, really. The only exception is when I met someone and immediately hated them. If there was a phrase that fit the situation, it was I laid eyes on them and the undying part of me said: “SEVEN BILLION PEOPLE ARE ON THIS PLANET AND YOU LOCATED THIS ASSHOLE AGAIN?! HOW DO YOU DO THESE THINGS.”

I was in my early twenties when we met, through a friend, in public, and I never had this type of inexplicable reaction to anyone or anything. If this happened now, I’d politely interact with the person when necessary, and avoid them when possible. But oh no, that’s not what early twenties me did. I made “making friends with this person or at least losing this weird reaction” to them a side quest in my life. So, we made friends, and if there’s anything really remarkable about the relationship is that this person is probably the closest psychological version of a twin as I’ll ever meet. But if we don’t see each other for over a month, I still do the miniature version of when I met them: heightened anxiety, urge to flee and vomit thing when I see them.

Believe me, I’ve examined the hell out of this, and there is no logical reason for me to do this – this person pretty much looks and acts like someone that fits into my life, has nothing noticeably off-putting about them, if anything they have a tendency to be aggravating, but not actively harmful, etc. 

I guess if there’s a “point” here, it’s that I’m considering ending this relationship because of the inexplicable fear thing, but I’m not really sure how to do it. You can’t really tell a person you’ve been hiding this type of crap for eight years, can you?

“So, you know how I’m nervous about everything? I actually am, but it just seems to be x times worse around you, for inexplicable reasons.”

4 thoughts on “Inexplicable.

  1. I have found too, that I am irritated, even repulsed by people, that have characteristics, mannerisms, tendencies, similar to my own. Especially the parts of me that are less savory, that I hide, bury, try to deny.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Tell that person everything – that’s what I’d be too scared to do, but that’s what would make me feel so much better afterwards. They can take it – trust me on that. They might even feel flattered/pleased/respected by that. Truth is – if you are thinking of never seeing them again, you have absolutely nothing to lose by spilling your guts – only things ot gain.
    My two-penneth-worth – for what it’s worth. 🙂
    Kindness – Robert.

    Liked by 1 person

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