Do you ever feel like you’ve been chasing after something that doesn’t exist? I’ve spent years trying to find the perfect fit in terms of belonging with others, beliefs, and even relationships. Perfection doesn’t exist on this plane. The only thing that exists is the now, which moves forward with each breath. With any luck, the last breath drawn brings peace and nothingness.
I exist for myself. No need to conform to a pre-existing notion or another person’s ideal. I’m not a typical person and that’s alright. There’s more of us weirdos out there than I anticipated.
Part of me has always known this but struggled against it for years.
I thought there was something beautiful and noble in striving for something unobtainable, but there really isn’t. It just adds unnecessary stress and devaluates what’s going on around you.
Expectations do nothing but degrade what actually is…instead of appreciating what you have, you try to move toward some pure ideal that can’t exist, or at least will crack under the pressure of reality much faster than anticipated.
I’m leaving the recovery movement, with its clearly defined borders and moving back into the more grey-scale environment that reality seems to be. A lot of things are changing right now, and I’m re-evaluating again. Seeking new perspectives. Prepping for a psychedelic experience.
I hope this isn’t too vague to be understood, but a lot of what’s going on is far too nuanced and in progress for me to really feel like I have a good grasp on yet. I seem to have become more stable and dependable than most of the people around me, and it’s….a really weird and uncomfortable spot to be in. It’s good to know that I can rely on myself, finally, though. I always felt like I messed everything up and that was just a “me” thing…that was more addiction and lack of experience.
Also: writer’s block continues. Boo.