Comments 5 Standard

Do you ever feel like you’ve been chasing after something that doesn’t exist? I’ve spent years trying to find the perfect fit in terms of belonging with others, beliefs, and even relationships. Perfection doesn’t exist on this plane. The only thing that exists is the now, which moves forward with each breath. With any luck, the last breath drawn brings peace and nothingness.

I exist for myself. No need to conform to a pre-existing notion or another person’s ideal. I’m not a typical person and that’s alright. There’s more of us weirdos out there than I anticipated.

Part of me has always known this but struggled against it for years.

I thought there was something beautiful and noble in striving for something unobtainable, but there really isn’t. It just adds unnecessary stress and devaluates what’s going on around you.

Expectations do nothing but degrade what actually is…instead of appreciating what you have, you try to move toward some pure ideal that can’t exist, or at least will crack under the pressure of reality much faster than anticipated.

I’m leaving the recovery movement, with its clearly defined borders and moving back into the more grey-scale environment that reality seems to be. A lot of things are changing right now, and I’m re-evaluating again. Seeking new perspectives. Prepping for a psychedelic experience.

I hope this isn’t too vague to be understood, but a lot of what’s going on is far too nuanced and in progress for me to really feel like I have a good grasp on yet. I seem to have become  more stable and dependable than most of the people around me, and it’s….a really weird and uncomfortable spot to be in. It’s good to know that I can rely on myself, finally, though. I always felt like I messed everything up and that was just a “me” thing…that was more addiction and lack of experience.

Also: writer’s block continues. Boo.




5 thoughts on “Searching

  1. Yes, yes, yes…expectations are worse than dead weight. Though some might feign alarm at this post, I read parallels with my own plod through self-discovery that make me confident you will find that truth within, unhindered by the one-size-fits-all parameters of others. Rock on, Joss.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This was an excellent post, sis. My oldest daughter and her husband have always said they didn’t want children because they felt like they had already raised a family. Although my girl wasn’t strapped with being a mom, she took on the role later in life….and she was a little bitch! LOL. Her siblings weren’t allowed to make mistakes or do something SHE thought they shouldn’t. (She’s gotten a little better now.)
    Her husband had four brothers and he DID have to raise them. Even now, when they’re in their late thirties and early forties, when something goes wrong, his mama calls him!
    I can only imagine how hard it was for you. You never really got to have a childhood. Considering that…you are a remarkable woman and I am proud to know you. 🙂


  3. Well, I haven’t been drinking…I swear. My computer is doing all kinds of fucked up stuff…I start commenting on one post and it flips to another one. Oh well. Sorry. LOL


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