Unsettled

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So much is up in the air right now…

It took about six minutes for me to start iv’ing again, but at least it’s hallucinogenics. I have a really hard time getting off visually with them, it’s either because I used to be on antidepressants or because I have  strong ego defenses… Haha, I’m broken. 😦

This whole year has been a bit of a disappointment, really, but things will start to get together at some point, it has to.

DMT is the one drug that makes me actually feel better after I use it and come down, but with having done acid & dpt as well recently I disjarred a lot of stuff within myself. I feel like words aren’t enough to express anything in a meaningful way anymore. Language and human perception is so limited, and I feel as if I’ve backed myself into a corner again and freeing myself is going to be a nightmare.

So many people that used to be in my life are just crap, dude. There’s no kinder way to say it…I don’t know why I was so tied into other people’s drama for so long. Life is just a game, and I don’t know why I was just so invested in saving other people from their own self-inflicted crap. I don’t know why I got so entrenched in being miserable…Everything passes, really, but I’m not excited about doing this life thing for another 30 years approximately.

I need to wait a while to figure out how some financial stuff is going to be…I think I’m going to save up for a car and go back to school…suddenly I need way more money than I generally do and it’s stressing me out.

It’s ironic that now I’m afraid to vent here because like, 500 people have access to it and I’m not really sure who in my real life reads this. I don’t think that many people pay attention to this, so I should be okay.

Think I’ll push myself back into poetry for a while.

4 thoughts on “Unsettled

  1. You are absolutely correct: life is just a game. The Hindus call it Lila — the game of god, which is both created and played by you. Since life can only be experienced as the ebb and flow of vibrations, it stands to reason that once in a while, ALL of us choose to play the game of being miserable. Every good plot needs conflict, of course, but more importantly, like poles of a magnet, good and bad, pleasant and unpleasant, ecstatic and depressed cannot be experienced without their complimentary poles. The things you choose to divulge on your web page, just like with mine and everyone else’s, constitute the part of the game where you learn to detach from your ego just a little bit. We talk about ourselves, for sure, but we are essentially letting strangers and friends observe our journal in progress. That’s how we learn that “others” are no different than self.

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