Today has been interesting

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Ordered goat brain from an Indian place today. It is honestly one of the most delicious things I’ve consumed in my life, 10/10 will try organ meats from other cultures again.

Additionally, I’m going on a date with the delivery driver later. Ahaha, I cannot believe my life sometimes.

His name is Kamil, he’s pretty new to this area as well,  is funny, interesting and tentatively labeled as at least a decent human being… additionally he’s my type.

I don’t know, man, I feel like I talk about romantic stuff too much later, but it’s like I’m 29 and might want kids… we’ll see how this goes.

At least I managed to find a man attractive and not immediately flee from his presence, I guess.

Hah. Otherwise I bought tickets to Rent next week, otherwise I’m just paying bills and slowly working up to a normal looking apartment.

“The Mother” – Gwendolyn Brooks

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Abortions will not let you forget.
You remember the children you got that you did not get,
The damp small pulps with a little or with no hair,
The singers and workers that never handled the air.
You will never neglect or beat
Them, or silence or buy with a sweet.
You will never wind up the sucking-thumb
Or scuttle off ghosts that come.
You will never leave them, controlling your luscious sigh,
Return for a snack of them, with gobbling mother-eye.

I have heard in the voices of the wind the voices of my dim killed
children.
I have contracted. I have eased
My dim dears at the breasts they could never suck.
I have said, Sweets, if I sinned, if I seized
Your luck
And your lives from your unfinished reach,
If I stole your births and your names,
Your straight baby tears and your games,
Your stilted or lovely loves, your tumults, your marriages, aches,
and your deaths,
If I poisoned the beginnings of your breaths,
Believe that even in my deliberateness I was not deliberate.
Though why should I whine,
Whine that the crime was other than mine?–
Since anyhow you are dead.
Or rather, or instead,
You were never made.
But that too, I am afraid,
Is faulty: oh, what shall I say, how is the truth to be said?
You were born, you had body, you died.
It is just that you never giggled or planned or cried.

Believe me, I loved you all.
Believe me, I knew you, though faintly, and I loved, I loved you
All.

Bleh

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Things are still good, but I’m having a momentary emotional downturn.

Some of the men here are super aggressive- I was waiting for the bus outside work, a random guy started talking to me, which is all well and fine, but he went in for a kiss and forcibly fondled me…this was a few weeks ago,, I I guess?

Then on the bus, some guy started talking to me and told me I’d make a perfect mother and wanted to have a child with me.

None of this is rape, obviously, but it’s really disturbing to me that I’m encountering this type of thing frequently and it always happens while I’m in public, not in a situation I knew was stupid…

Oh God, so literally,ran into some crazy guy when I was still living downtown, now I accidentally live about five blocks from him. He’ll literally chase me down on the fucking street.

Like, I’d consider myself average at best at this point in my life, I have no clue why this is such a fucking ordeal. I own a stungun and pepperspray now, neither of which I really want in my life, but I have to walk through a dark alley at night. I don’t know, a concealed carry permit might not be a bad idea…my coworker talked to me about it after the bus stop incident…

I don’t know. I have lost at least thirty lbs since I moved here, but it’s mostly from lack of appetite, so I can’t get too excited, haha. My mobility is much better, if I have problems with my legs, it’s going down the stairs for maybe the third or fourth time a day. That’s pretty exciting for me, obviously, I started out the year in a wheelchair.

Otherwise I’ve given up on trying to date for the moment. Either the guy freaks me out, or I come up with some kind of disaster scenario in my head, or I’m so afraid of talking about my past that I literally stop talking to him.

Also I really love being alone right now. My life is hiding in my apartment listening to weird music when I’m not at work or going to some kind of event.

Otherwise I still love my job.

I’m pissed off at myself because I forgot to eat before work again, today, and had to leave three hours early because I was exhausted, had an escalating headache, and was moving from nausea to vomiting.

Then I got home, ate, took a nap and was totally fine an hour and a half later.

Goddamnit, me.

Um, still trying to make friends. I have like 2 here, maybe three, if you count my work Buddy who now has different breaks than me.

I still love this city and moving here was the best decision I’ve made in a long time, but I am so stressed right now. I’m making more money than I usually do, but I literally moved down here with two pairs of pants, so I’m getting stuff in my apartment piecemeal. I’m friends with a wonderful woman named Amy who is helping me with this, totally above and beyond, really, but I don’t like feeling like a charity case, lol.