Hah.

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So Kamil is incredibly sweet and smart and we get along really well.

If there’s a problem with this here, it’s with me, actually.

I’ve kind of moved to this point of preference for being alone, and have just…I think my dream in life was living alone, having a full-time job and being alone. Like I had given up on love being an actual attainable thing in this world for me, after the past go-round I’m just too afraid of what can happen and looking at relationships my friends have…ugh.

He’s extraordinarily ambitious, and just…I don’t know, he’s encouraging me to do more with my life, go back to school, quit smoking, take better care of myself. It’s all positive changes, and he’s trying to do the same.

But I guess I have such a history of quick moving relationships and controlling partners that I’m a little gun shy about this.

I am falling for him, and I think he’s giving me a little more space, actually.

I guess I have to push past my own discomfort here…I wish I was responding differently,I suppose. It’s just that love=pain to me, and after watching my last partner continually destroy himself with alcohol (alcoholic, born with liver disease, progressed to advanced cirrohis by the time we were together), additionally abusive….

I guess I’m afraid of having more damage, but I also feel like this is all unfair to him.

Like, prior to this it’s been close to two years since I’ve been in a proper relationship. The poor man had to put up with me literally shaking the first time we were in my apartment alone together.

I also feel like I’m holding back my emotions and thoughts too much, and he’s unsure of how much I like him.

Wish the world was different in so many days. My country is represented by an irrational toddler, my best friend is pretty much dealing with her pregnancy alone, I know a single mother raising a child with HIV….there is just so much pain in this world.

Oddly enough, a few people have commented on me looking tired/depressed lately… I’m starting to draw/write a bit more, it’s been a while since that’s been a thing, still in search of a volunteering gig that works with my schedule…I feel like I’m cresting on the depression getting better, but it’s painful at the moment.

I guess the”hah” here is that I’m the one person who finds a nice boyfriend and somehow manages to turn it into a depression fest.

 

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