And another depressive post from me…
I have a tendency to get depressed around this time of year, and life has just been…meh…lately.
My brain is basically telling me that have never been able to be happy sober, and a lifetime of damage and bad experiences have left me with little hope of acclimating to “straight” life.
Christ, that looks so melodramatic written out. I guess I have a few people I could ask for help, but it’s just so against my training to show weakness. Like, fuck, I volunteer, even strangers talk to me about shit that’s worrying them (downside of being in public frequently, I guess…) I’ll buy homeless people breakfast but I can’t tell people I’m really thinking about getting back into drugs and letting that be a passive suicide versus living in the damaged vessel that is me in this dying world?
Life just seems to be a complicated variety of meaninglessness, I can’t really see much point in anything… it’s not like I’m going to be able to change things for myself or others in any meaningful fashion… there’s so much hate and division in this country… it’s all so overwhelming.
So many of us are cruel, and there’s so much unnecessary suffering that just isn’t looked at or listened to.
It’s not like no one tries connecting with me, I just kind of stall and act polite but disinterested until they go away. I’m sort of reconnecting with someone from back home, but they might not be the best choice for “sober” and “happy”, but I’d be lying if he wasn’t intelligent and simultaneously seems to understand me.
I mean… I’m managing a respectable life, but I feel like my soul is dead. But maybe I always feel like I’m on the edge of a break down, but what kind of a life is that?
I’ve never been able to think of the future in any considerable fashion without verging into a panic attack, even in high school.
Maybe I’m just not made for this world.