2017 was a pretty important year for me. I guess it’s a bit early to be writing this, because anything could happen between now and the end of the year, really. I went into this year pretty broken – my femur snapped when I was in a half-way house in the fall, and what was hardest for me about that wasn’t the physical pain – although I’m not going to lie, unexpectedly losing your mobility for months is its own difficultly- was how hard it was to find out that a lot of the people that supposedly cared for me in and out of recovery were just not there for me. One minute, everything’s fine, working, volunteering, trying my best to become a better person…next thing I know my leg is broken, I can’t work, and the place I live and pay for is kicking me out because letting me sleep downstairs is a risk. Really took me a minute to recover from that. Like, it’s one thing for life to crap on you when you’re doing badly, but just for something like that to happen…haha, well, these things don’t happen because you’re “bad” is the end lesson.
So the hospital helpfully recommended I move into a Motel 6 after they released me…yeah, okay, great place for a 28 year old recovering addict in a wheelchair.
Thank God my amazing best friend was there for me. She lived 2-3 hours away from where I was at the time, third floor apartment so like…not ideal for a person with a broken leg, but we made that shit work. Then I moved in with someone else briefly, and discovered that someone I thought was decent, wasn’t, and I’ve been in my own place since September, started working full-time at captel at some point before that.
So, my values changed a lot this year, and I found that really hard to describe or even realize at first, but I purse protecting my animal self a lot more. Mostly that’s a weird way of saying that I feel like I had a close cluster of experiences with dmt. I think the end result brought me closer to realizing that whatever this “me” thing is in encased in a warm, vulnerable animal body that has legitimate needs, and my focus more now is on protecting that and increasing my ability to do that rather than worrying about every other dumb ass motherfucker on the planet and trying to find and hold a transcendental love with someone who just…wasn’t capable of controlling themselves or even functioning in the world.
I mean, I guess there’s something to be said about caring about other people than you care about yourself, but if you’re not like…taking care of yourself at all, your ability to even do that gets pretty limited and the whole thing is toxic.
I’m pretty closed off to close human relationships at this point in my life, hoping to regain some openness in the future, but, I don’t know, after years of draining relationships I guess I know how I got here, lol, and I’m just happy to be alive after all the dumb shit I did to myself.
Here’s to a productive 2018 to all of you, let’s hope we all make progress with our goals, know who our friends are, and are fulfilled.