2017

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Colorful 2017 New Year date in sparklers

Colorful 2017 New Year date in fiery sparklers over a black background with copy space for your greeting or invitation

2017 was a pretty important year for me. I guess it’s a bit early to be writing this, because anything could happen between now and the end of the year, really. I went into this year pretty broken – my femur snapped when I was in a half-way house in the fall, and what was hardest for me about that wasn’t the physical pain – although I’m not going to lie, unexpectedly losing your mobility for months is its own difficultly- was how hard it was to find out that a lot of the people that supposedly cared for me in and out of recovery were just not there for me. One minute, everything’s fine, working, volunteering, trying my best to become a better person…next thing I know my leg is broken, I can’t work, and the place I live and pay for is kicking me out because letting me sleep downstairs is a risk. Really took me a minute to recover from that. Like, it’s one thing for life to crap on you when you’re doing badly, but just for something like that to happen…haha, well, these things don’t happen because you’re “bad” is the end lesson.

So the hospital helpfully recommended I move into a Motel 6 after they released me…yeah, okay, great place for a 28 year old recovering addict in a wheelchair.

Thanks, everyone..

Thank God my amazing best friend was there for me. She lived 2-3 hours away from where I was at the time, third floor apartment so like…not ideal for a person with a broken leg, but we made that shit work. Then I moved in with someone else briefly, and discovered that someone I thought was decent, wasn’t, and I’ve been in my own place since September, started working full-time at captel at some point before that.

So, my values changed a lot this year, and I found that really hard to describe or even realize at first, but I purse protecting my animal self a lot more. Mostly that’s a weird way of saying that I feel like I had a close cluster of experiences with dmt. I think the end result brought me closer to realizing that whatever this “me” thing is in encased in a warm, vulnerable animal body that has legitimate needs, and my focus more now is on protecting that and increasing my ability to do that rather than worrying about every other dumb ass motherfucker on the planet and trying to find and hold a transcendental love with someone who just…wasn’t capable of controlling themselves or even functioning in the world.

I mean, I guess there’s something to be said about caring about other people than you care about yourself, but if you’re not like…taking care of yourself at all, your ability to even do that gets pretty limited and the whole thing is toxic.

I’m pretty closed off to close human relationships at this point in my life, hoping to regain some openness in the future, but, I don’t know, after years of draining relationships I guess I know how I got here, lol, and I’m just happy to be alive after all the dumb shit I did to myself.

Here’s to a productive 2018 to all of you, let’s hope we all make progress with our goals, know who our friends are, and are fulfilled.

“No Mud, No Lotus” Quotes

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The way to understanding is first to listen to yourself, because the roots of our suffering are deep and connected with the roots of the suffering of others. Usually we think that other people, such as our parents, our partner, or people at work, are to blame for our hurt. But looking more deeply, we can see the true sources of our own suffering, and we also can see that the person who we think is out to get us is a victim of his or her own suffering. Understanding our own hurt allows us to see and understand the suffering of others. Looking without judgment, we can understand, and compassion is born. Transformation is possible.

We each have many kinds of “seeds” lying deep in our consciousness. Those we water are the ones that sprout, come up into our awareness, and manifest outwardly. So in our own consciousness there is hell, and there is also paradise. We are capable of being compassionate, understanding, and joyful. If we pay attention only to the negative things in us, especially the suffering of past hurts, we are wallowing in our sorrows and not getting any positive nourishment.

Thich Naht Hahn

naturally occuring dopamine.

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Ok, so I’m incredibly proud of myself right now.

Today wasn’t terrible, objectively, but involved a lot of mis-steps that are mostly due to me having poor management skills, etc., but ok:

 

Went to sleep late last night, because yolo. Got up at 7 on 3 hours of sleep. Went to plasma clinic, ended up waiting for an hour because their computer are down. Miss planned activities.

Completely wipe out on ice leaving clinic, after snow has been on the ground for less than 24 hours.

Return to apartment.

Leave for work, get to work, not expecting anything eventful. I literally sit in a box all day. NOTHING CAN GO WRONG.

Receive unanticipated voicemail from parents. Return call. Agree to have conversation with mother when home from work. This would be the first actual conversation I have had with her since, like, spring.

ANXIETY BEGINS. Sit in cube, handling calls and occasionally interact with others, pass for normal while heart is pounding in chest and can feel blood rushing in head. Use breathing and mindfulness, this eventually passes, last two hours of work are unremarkable.

Punch out of work, begin nervously checking placement of proximity card for work, wallet, make sure bus pass is in anticipated location. Randomly check for keys.
ITEM NOT FOUND.

For the first time in my adult life, I have lost my keys. Return to cube, check parking garage, acquiesce to the fact I may have to speak to someone about this. No one has reported keys to security and or supervisors at work. Miss bus in process.

FUCK.

Pray that landlord is awake, answering phone, and like, willing to be helpful at 145 at night.

Praise God, affirmative on all of this.

Eventually return to building, acquire new set of keys, and return to apartment.

DREAD PHONE CALL OCCURS.

Not the terror anticipated.

Call ends by midnight.

Realization that there are many points during this saga where I would have freaked out, left work, and fucked up my life worse.

Instead I am home and sober and listening to classical music.

DOPAMINE SURGE.

“The Pennycandystore Beyond the El” – Lawrence Ferlinghetti

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The pennycandystore beyond the El
is where i first
fell in love
with unreality
Jellybeans glowed in the semi-gloom
of that september afternoon
A cat upon the counter moved among
the licorice sticks
and tootsie rolls
and Oh Boy Gum

Outside the leaves were falling as they died

A wind had blown away the sun

A girl ran in
Her hair was rainy
Her breasts were breathless in the little room

Outside the leaves were falling
and they cried
Too soon! too soon!