Happiness

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Last night I realized I was happy.

Was in a steaming hot bath, listening to classical music and smoking.

This year is the first year I’ve had relatively unfettered control of myself. I’m not in addiction, my basic needs are consistently met,I live alone, and I’m not bouncing from crisis to crisis.

It’s pretty terrific, to be honest. I think one of my issues is that my standards for myself are quite high, and I needed realize that I have had a lot of setbacks in life, so holding myself to a standard of being where a person “should be” at 30 isn’t ever going to be helpful for me.

Instead it’s more positive and accurate to look at all the changes I have made, and barring political disaster and things I have little to no control over, life is going to largely get better from here.

Maybe at this point, it’s more interesting for me to be happy and successful versus perpetual misery girl, haha. I almost feel disrespectful to humanity being happy. There are a lot of things to be unhappy about in this world, but it’s more productive for me to focus on how I can improve myself in order to help others improve their own lot.

Haha, seriously, after most of my twenties, making $23000 a year, having freedom, living somewhere with interesting people and things to do, and having my own apartment makes me feel like I might as well be a millionaire.

There’s a lot to do and so much to pursue. Considering becoming a vegetarian again, I’ve parred myself down to chicken, but it’s a pretty big staple, so that’s going to take some rejiggering.

Otherwise making a pretty deep commitment with health for the next year. I’ve been so up and down with weight my whole life, I’d like to get the rest of this weight off in a controlled fashion and manage to maintain a relatively stable weight after that. Be nice that one of the downfalls of not seeing me for a year could be that I’ve gained or lost like a fucking 100 lbs so you might have an issue recognizing me at first.

Think not abusing drugs/alcohol should be a pretty big help with that.

Otherwise consistently meditating again should help, but I’m so resistant to starting again. Blargh.

Maybe quit smoking, at some point in the next three years…or par it down to exclusively vaping.

A lot of issues with my stem from just consistently prioritizing things and acting according to my values on a day to day basis. Human shit.

Think I’d realize I was in a state of dysfunction with something, and then try to fix it so hard and fast I’d throw myself into a different and opposite state of dysfunction, as a way of life.

Now I just have to figure out how to avoid extremes and stay in the middle on life more.

Haha, I just think I’m hot shit now because I’m paying off my student loans at the standard rate now. (Which, FYI, is going to take 8 1/2 years. Yikes.)

So health and finances are priorities for 2018, which was basically the same as last year, did ok with that but still need a lot of work. Education the year after, maybe at some point during 2018, but probably not.

 

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