A deep, smokeless flame that’s been burning for years.
It’s been suppressed within me for years, and has a vast collection of sources. Allowing myself to feel it is new, energizing, and almost dangerous. Anger wasn’t managed well in my house, and could end up being explosive and unresolved.
So here I am.
There’s the general anger at how badly managed this world and particularly my country are, how human suffering is left unregarded and unattended, how money is more important than life and how so many of us feel broken and disregarded.
We could be so good to each other, but we just aren’t.
Then there’s the interpersonal anger, which is…I’m refusing to allow someone the opportunity to apologize to me because I’m afraid of what they would do with complete forgiveness.
So I just throw out some diversionary bullshit whenever it’s brought up in conversation. Horribly. Sometimes I do this three turns ahead of the conversation potentially leading to this.
I have no clue how to express my anger, and I have only ever really shown in either by a) leaving, or when it’s a self-defense (oh shit, this is totally out of control, am i going to die) situation or I’ve been pushed to the point where my brain is interrupting it as such.
You want to know something humilating? I can’t have a man in my house that’s my age without shaking. Eventually, my ex boyfriend bypassed that, but fucking that. Imagine how fun this is explaining. The suddenly cold excuse only like, is passable so long.
Like…it’s men I’m actually comfortable with, enough for this to be a thing, and yet every fucking time, dude. I’m not even consciously playing out a fear scenario with this shit. Just gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……….
Yeah. I’m known as being ridiculously forgiving and kind…I mean, in ways, yes. I guess this boils down to how we’re all infinite internal universes and mirror images of each other blah blah blah, but my faith in the ability of the human character to alter and I frankly don’t really believe in redemption the way I used to, anymore. It’s less like I’m even still….acutely angry about the situation, I can see it was mostly a reflection of “everyone here is damaged”, but goddamn.
What are those famous words of wisdom? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me…can’t, can’t get fooled again?
Which is a strange way for a person who’s changed and left so much behind to feel, I guess.
But as much of myself that either I’ve altered intentionally, or has changed with time, I still have the old tendencies and aches.
Some of this boils in to an old tendency to not let people in, but it’s escalated to a high degree…vulnerability just does not feel safe, in any normal context, anymore.
I almost feel like my “success” at this point, is its core, is driven by an aversion to letting anyone hurt me or make me feel less than again. I have such a deep distrust and blatant disdain for humanity as a whole it’s just…like, are 30 year old women supposed to feel like this?
I used to be so fucking innocent and trusting toward people’s motivations, and now if the bus driver is too friendly with me I’m pretty sure I’m going to end up dead in a ditch somehow.
Come on, self, moderate this shit. The grandfatherly bus driver probably is not going to murder you.
It’s like I trust my motivation to help others without attempting to like, fucking eat their souls in repayment for a small favor, but I would probably have to close to death to allow another person to help me.
Well, with the exception of my best friend, and a trained professional.
I’ve formed this thick, hard shell, and feel like nothing but clay feet.