More fun discoveries at Mom’s

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*knitting needles and supplies. Don’t have a huge amount of stuff, but super happy to have it back.

*Some cool shirts that fit, some too small. David Bowie for the win.

*My graduation coin and stone that says hope from graduating rehab.

*Literally notebooks full of stepwork and daily reflections, five plus books on recovery…. I feel like an amnesiac.

Guess this has to be the most creative relapse I’ve come up with yet. Break leg, forced to move to the South end of the state, stop meetings because mobility issues and new location, “cure self” with 4-aco-dmt, get obsessed with work, fuck self over, enter escape hatch before doom ensues.

Julie ended up being up here at her mom’s, we got pizza and talked shit over. ❤ best friend time. Still gotta pick out a time to get the Daria tattoos.

It hasn’t been terrible at my mom’s, but it’s pretty much a power struggle.

Colleen – Joanna Newsom

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I tell it as I best know how
And that’s the way it was told to me: I
Must have once been a thief or a whore
Then surely was thrown overboard
Where, they say
I came their way from the deep blue sea

It picked me up and tossed me round
I lost my shoes and tore my gown
I forgot my name
And drowned

Then woke up with the surf a-pounding;
It seemed I had been run aground

Well they took me in and shod my feet
And taught me prayers for chastity
And said my name would be Colleen, and
I was blessed among all women
To have forgotten everything

And as the weeks and months ensued
I tried to make myself of use
I tilled and planted, but could not produce–
Not root, nor leaf, nor flower, nor bean; Lord!
It seemed I overwatered everything

And I hate the sight of that empty air
Like stepping for a missing stair
And falling forth forever blindly:
Cannot grab hold of anything! No
Not I, most blessed among Colleens

I dream some nights of a funny sea
As soft as a newly born baby

It cries for me so pitifully!
And I dive for my child with a wildness in me
And am so sweetly there received

But last night came a different dream:
A gray and sloping-shouldered thing
Said “What’s cinched ’round your waist, Colleen?
Is that my very own baleen?
No! Have you forgotten everything?”

This morning, ’round the cape at dawn
Some travellers sailed into town
With scraps for sale and the saddest songs
And a book of pictures, leather-bound, that
Showed a whale with a tusk a metre long

I asked the man who showed it me
“What is the name of that strange beast?”
He said its name translated roughly to

And I am without words
He said “My lady looks perturbed
(the light is in your eyes, Colleen).”
I said, “Whatever can you mean?”
He leaned in and said
“You ain’t forgotten everything.”

“You dare to speak a lady’s name?”
He said, “My lady is mistaken
I would not speak your name in this place;
For if I were to try then the wind–I swear–
Would rise, to tear you clean from me without a trace.”

“Have you come, then, to rescue me?”
He laughed and said, “From what, ‘colleen’?
You dried and dressed most willingly
You corseted, and caught the dread disease
By which one comes to know such peace.”

Well, it’s true that I came to know such things as
The laws that govern property
And the herbs to feed the babes that wean
The welting weight for every season;
But still
I don’t know any goddamned “Colleen”

Then dive down there with the lights to lead
That seem to shine from everything–
Down to the bottom of the deep blue sea;
Down where your heart beats so slow
And you never in your life have felt so free
Will you come down there with me?
Down where our bodies start to seem like
Artifacts of some strange dream
Which afterwards you can’t decipher
And so, soon, have forgotten

Turning myself in…

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to an AA meeting tomorrow morning, gotta wake myself back up at 630 to jam it in.

It’s been a wild ride recently, but there’s always the option to stop the craziness. Glad I got a sense of reality and my self back, even if it’s like, less than wonderful, lol. Now accepting once again that I can leave a lot of things in the dust, but my own faults will always be there.

Again, complete love to my best friend for having my back and helping me keep/get my shit together.

Seeing my parents on my days off. It’s a complicated relationship, I hope it goes well. Oh god, I just got off a relapse and now I’m over at my parents. There’s love there, but we’re all complicated and have faults…

Good life planning, me.


Herbs are coming in…

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A couple weeks ago, I bought the Chef’s Herb Garden off of Amazon to get my feet wet with plants and gardening again. Loved gardening as a kid, kept plants when I had my own apartment…so figured this would be a low-stress, low-cost investment way to get started again.

The kit comes with pots, soil, and seeds. Easy to do, instructions on up-keep and everything.

Comes with chives, oregano, sage, thyme, parsley, cilantro, sweet basil, chives and dill.

The process is interesting because the soil comes in hard disks that need to be soaked in hot water, and two seed varieties need to soak for a few hours in water.

So… here’s some pics of the kit from setting it up:



And the tiny seedlings currently emerging from the soil:

Dill, chives, and thyme