14 days sober…

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Well, for starters, I’m grateful that I’ve made two weeks sober, that I have a job and an apartment, that my basic needs are covered…

It’s been difficult for me, recently, there has been a lot of change and loss there’s been in my life over the last ten years. and I’ve lost any sense of identity or like…The feeling of being lost/doomed/tainted in some way is just a perpetual part of me, after 30 years it should be background noise, lol.

I used to believe in a lot of things, and a lot of things about myself, and they all seem irrelevant or untrue at this point in my life. That’s a good place to be in a lot of ways, but now there’s this complete sense of being in a void or almost being an abyss that is beyond what I’m really sure how to deal with. Such deep feelings of disconnect.

So there’s keeping busy, looking into hobbies more, there’s a lot of cool stuff in the world of needlepoint and macrame, which are both new to me.

Cicada patttern. Looks kinda uterus-y in a rorschach test way to me.

Screenshot 2018-04-08 at 1.01.25 PM

Macrame Owl

macrame owl.jpg

In the middle of a udemy course on journalling, which is decent so far.

Trying to pick stuff that is easy-ish or familiar, just absolutely lacking confidence in anything in the moment, which is ironic considering where I was 3 or 4 years ago. But I think I reconnected with some element of myself from high school or my early twenties, which involves a lot of self-hate, perfectionism, heavy frustration with myself, seem to be unable to relax, ever…

So it’s like I’m in this deep depression, just like this terrible anxiety creature, but aware of it enough to push myself out a little more with doing things, trying to socialize, exercise, get sunlight, but I’m really not performing on the level I think I should be…like I’m to the extent that I’m not good enough for myself, so how could I be good enough for someone else? Yes, I realized that’s heavily distorted thinking, but I’m doing the best I can with fighting that…

I’m in an abusive relationship with myself right now, ok? Haha.

 

 

5 thoughts on “14 days sober…

  1. I just read one of your other pieces on email but it seems to have disappeared – so anyhow, I was about to say wouldn’t it be cool if they came up with a popular drug which actually did completely fuck all, I mean, zilch, nano! Just detaches the brain from the symptoms to the extent that its utterly harmless and all are free to take as much of this stuff as possible, cos its so good, so damn good, it does absolutely fuck all whatsoever!! I duno, just some ridiculous concept idea I just had! 😀 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ooh! A placebo combined with the idea of soma. They could market it as a highly advanced blend of chemicals that tailor themselves to your metabolism and biological needs at the time…
      Think you have a trillion dollar concept. 😛
      I am currently the queen of regret deleting, lol.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Haha,ha, yes, you’re right too! This new drug would be sure to be banned as soon as it hits the streets – people would end up having to avoid using it in order to remain affected – or something!! 😛 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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