Gratitude about Life

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(so here’s a great big mood swing)

As much as I am Eeyore, I am intensely grateful for a lot of things in my life, primarily the things that went off-course. I don’t particularly like the phrase or the song, but sometimes God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, and a lot of the worst things in my life ended up being the biggest teachers.

My life has been such that I can wake up in a small apartment with rented furniture, and be happy to be alone, sober, and employed. 30 isn’t really that bad a time to straighten out…

This is probably the first time I’ve respected myself, and the most I’ve generally liked myself. The future looks pretty bright. My job is stable, I’m moving to a nicer apartment in June, and getting my own furniture. Now I have to wrangle myself back into education, and increase my confidence in my own abilities.

While there’s no undoing years of damage, there’s always always always the option to stop and start treating one’s self properly. I’ve been depressed over a combination of emotional, mental, and physical deterioration, but there’s hope. Just have to kick my own ass and continue to do things that are difficult for me.

Got lost in crying over lost potential for a while, but I’m a lot more capable than I give myself credit for and hold myself back and settle too much. Also come to the conclusion that in no way, shape, or form do I ever want to be a substance abuse counselor. Dealing with my own burden is enough of a weight for me. A

Still remarkably open-ended on what I want, educationally. I want to nurture, but also work best alone and I just don’t wanna invest in people like I used to… Perhaps something with animals or plants?

Medical coding and billing seems like a pretty good stop-gap for me, though, so I might pursue that in the interim.

Almost want to consider teaching(!), had past ambitions to be a librarian, which might be nice if I can connive myself into learning and retaining that much about mathematics.

I’ve been doing yet another past analysis (haha), and this time around it’s a lot easier to forgive myself and others. We’re all quite limited, and I feel like most of us do the best we can with what we know. There’s only so much you can learn from feeling bitter toward other people and regretting your past actions. Seen a lot of growth in myself, but also new problem areas, some old faults as well…

The truth about me is that I could be in a much better spot in life, but I made a lot of mistakes, but I was generally ill-prepared, over-focused on pleasing other people, and incredibly self-hating for decades. I  was without value to myself until remarkably recently.

What I did get out of my 20’s was the knowledge that I am capable in a lot of different types of situations, I can be brave, and if you can win me, I’m incredibly loyal and dedicated. Pretty much only one person gets this out of me at this point, but oh well. Of course, 30 year-old me hisses, and goes into passive observation mode whenever a human approaches, but that’s a story for another time.

What I need to focus on is continuing to improve discipline, general mental and physical health, and honoring my own desires and accomplishments more. I’m fat, but lost 90 lbs, and I really don’t give myself the credit I deserve for doing that. Or for actually getting a full-time job, and maintaining it. I was on social security for 6 years…worked part-time off and on during that period, but this is definitely a jump and an improvement. Helps the self-efficacy bit, obviously…

Also pursuing therapy again, as much as I’d rather not…but I’ve developed (re?) an aversion to people, and need guidance and accountability. As lame this it is, sometimes it’s easier for me to work on myself to make another person happy. A therapist seems like a pretty low-risk option for this, lol. I need help learning to let people in again, because I am just a series of walls and locks at this point.

Also my bff. Met her in high shool, she is  one of the consistently best influences. While we both did some crazy shit in the past, we calmed down at about the same time, so that’s a huge boon, there. Capricorn and INTJ. Calmness, stability, logic, and bluntness. Nice off-set to my moonpersonness.

While it’s somewhat unfortunate that I’m 30 and completely opposed to being a relationship, being alone and happy is better than being in a destructive or even stymying relationship. I dunno. My dream dude is probably on reddit, bitching about life right now. Who knows? WILL WE FORCE OURSELVES INTO SOCIAL SITUATIONS LONG ENOUGH TO MEET IN THIS LIFETIME? That’s the real question.

Have a lot of new issues with men, to the point where I realize I don’t emotionally invest in the ones in my life…it’s a bit hard to explain. Some of it is trust, but I’m in such a place of a negative expectations that I feel somewhat toxic at the moment, in this area.

Kind of funny that 30 year old me turned out to be mostly asexual and aromantic.

Honestly think I’m leaning toward not having children, I adore children, but there’s too much worry and stress involved in having my own.



6 thoughts on “Gratitude about Life

    • Congrats! Four continuous years is amazing. It is such an uphill battle with these things. Doing a lot better with self-control, really, but still have my slip-ups.

      Liked by 1 person

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