el quiene tiene boca se equivoca

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Oy vey.

So I met a guy, super fucking sweet and smart, went on a couple dates. Guess what the problem was this time: He was literally my abusive ex’s spanish/mexican twin, super similiar personality to someone i had issues with…heavy tendency to fuck with people. He spilled a cup of coffee on himself, the kitchen in the restaurant was open and had napkins super close to the front, saw them, grabbed them and apparently under no circumstances are random people supposed to enter a kitchen and I’m an asshole now.

Like no, this guy made me food, slept in my bed, and was generally kind and sweet, maybe turned into a dick after a few hours of being around a completely monosyballic woman who seems to be afraid of everything, particularly him. So he turns into a dick, and I get so nervous that I can’t even say what bus I take to work.

I dunno. I mean, it was kind of weird in a way because he brought up race but in such an aggressive way that I had no clue how to respond…we were watching princess mononoke by princess mononoke by hiyao miyazaki and I was a little too busy having a panic attack about being alive to actually follow it, but there’s a scene where a girl is being carried across a river by dog…thing….and dude’s just like “GOOD JOB SPIRIT ANIMAL PROTECTING WHITE MASSA”

*He lived in the neighborhood that I live in, which is mostly black after the age of 14.

and I’m just looking at him like…I don’t know, i’m mostly from a white area and telling white people to calm their shit down, IF SOMEONE COULD TELL ME A LEGIT WAY TO RESPOND TO THAT STATEMENT PLEASE HELP ME LOL

THIS WAS A FUCKING TRAINNNNWRECKKKKKK

“Guys think you’re a smart cookie but keep you around because you’re a trophy, right?”

*sigh* Ok, I swear this comes from my inability to follow 15+ minutes stories with more than 5 people, think he caught on to this and told me a story that involved a man turning into a wolf and starting on fire, maybe someone put him out with pee? I’m just quietly sitting there like “one of us is tripping balls right now…”

actually going back into therapy after this, i know I have anxiety issues in general but the amount of times I thought I was going to fucking die for no reason kinda makes me think I have ptsd at this point.

So highlights reel from this adventure:

*Complete run-out-of-the-ice-cream-store panic attack. Think I have issues with being out at night and erratic driving? Also large groups of people? I’m a fucking disease? lol

* if you wanna annoy the shit out of a person that grew up in mexico and point out your excruciating whiteness, if applicable…order huevo rancheros at a restaurant. FUCKING DO IT.

*Still have the whole racing heart/anxiety thing when I’m alone with men.

 

As these things typically go, the sex was fantastic.

 

 

Y is for “YS”

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“YS” (pronounced: Ees) is Joanna Newsom’s 2006 album produced by Van Dyke Parks. Joanna’s work before then had been generally her alone with her harp, and relatively lo-fi. Van Dyke Parks added this lush orchestral element,and you hear more variety with instrumentation here, some guitar work and also some accordion (the most underappreciated instrument in the worlldddddd), and one lovely piano piece.

So why should you listen to this album with the weird Ren Faire looking cover? Well..

What really shines here is her story-telling, use of language, and ability to weave startling tempo changes in longer works -. Her lyrics are intensely emotional and use strange imagery – ““a mud-cloud, mica-spangled, like the sky had been breathing on a mirror” – from “Emily”, a song written for her astronomer sister. Her voice here is definitely a change from her earlier work – it’s still distinctive and quirky, but has lost a bit of it’s “Lisa Simpson” quality.

So why should you listen to this album with the weird Ren Faire looking cover? Well..

The title is a reference to the mythological island city of Ys, in Brittany (near France), which was destroyed in a flood due to its turn to sin. Supposedly the land itself was reclaimed by a pious king and rich in arts and commerce. His daughter, Dahut, however,  “had made a crown of her vices and taken for her pages the seven capital sins.”*

Either she destroyed the city by opening the sluices instead of the gate to allow in her lover, or like…something with orgies and possibly taking the devil as a lover? Story-tellers do not seem to be a fan of this Dahut lady. Sure she was charming, though.

Or potentially, her father escaped the city on horseback, and she fell off the back of the horse accidentally after God told him the only way for him to survive was for her to die.

Again, we’re not sure.

*Spence, Lewis (1917). Legends & Romances of Brittany, uncovered on Wikipedia’s YS article. What a beautiful arrangement of words.

 

30 days.

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(a little over 30 days)

So my dumb-ass was trying to use a fucking psychedelic as anti-depressant. Yes. It’s not that I didn’t appreciate the dxm trip, but I mostly….started using it on a regular basis because it made me feel better afterward. And then threw some other shit in there, ’cause that’s a super good idea.

Think I was doing it a couple times a week for a few weeks, feel like I don’t remember half the shit that went on, but I’m still employed and not in a crisis, which is definitely good…

I quit after the paranoia became worrying, and ended up being in somewhat of a self-aware psychosis for two weeks…thank God I have a sit-down and don’t talk to anyone job.

Like  seriously. Full-on persecution complex, and as a fun addition to this bullshit, the elevators near the parking garage starting coming down empty at the end of my breaks/lunch, right about this time and clearly that was an attempt on my remaining sanity.*

*They still do this sometimes. Have seen this happen for other people.

As in you walk in from outside, get to about six feet from the elevator, and the damn thing is suddenly down there, doors open, and there’s  no one in it.

Think we have a bored security guy or something. Haha, dude’s trying to brighten people’s days and I’m just like “SWEET JESUS, TAKE ME NOW.”

why do I do this shit to myself.

Then depression/anxiety for about two weeks, ended up calling in a couple times, and my brain is mostly at cruising speed insanity at the moment.

pudge_controls_the_weather_by_bluemage13-d962ny8.png

It was way less cute than this.

*sigh* really need to work out my feelings on recovery as a system more. Don’t disagree with it, but I keep….finding….situational….loopholes…

 

No charges against West Milwaukee officers in death of a mentally ill man hit 18 times with Taser

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No charges against West Milwaukee officers in death of a mentally ill man hit 18 times with Taser

(jist of article: Someone called for a welfare check on a 22 year old man in a living facility with schizophrenia, seemed he was having a break with reality. Nothing violent or suicidal, not that would automatically justify this.

He was taking a shower when they arrived, the unit was locked, instead of waiting for a person with a key or for him to answer, they bust down the door. He stares at them blankly. This seems like one of the top three human responses to “I was taking a shower, now the cops broke down my door and are yelling at me for reasons unbeknownst to me”; also the least deserving of tasing. He began to struggle when they had him on the floor and were handcuffing him, again, pretty normal human stuff…

They tase him no less than 18 times, load him down with sedatives…and they’re not responsible for his death.)

Nope. NO WRONG-DOING HERE, GOOD JOB, PD.

It was that damn “excited delirium“, that seems to lay in wait to frame decent, god-fearing police officers.

V is for Values

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It seems like there’s too much focus on finding a sense of belonging, maybe a place in the narrative of humanity. It’s important to focus on individual attributes and  small, day-to-day choices rather one’s role in a cohesive group. Meaning that what you choose to do with your life, abilities, and energy on a day-to-day basis make you who you are, not anything else either granted by birth, social group, or position.

So…looking at and finding your personal values are hard, if you’ve lost touch with them. You can probably rattle off things that sound nice – but is it relevant to how you live your life? How can one reliably find attributes of self -positive and negative – while separating out things that have been forced upon us?

It’s really more of a building process than a thing that can be stripped down and done once, from my experience. Feel like this is all relatively meaningless rambling, here’s a video: