“Life After Death” – The Notorious B.I.G.

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Oh, Christopher Wallace, how I adore thee. Y’all were selling dope as a kid, and you moved up to millionaire status with your music. You kept a realistic self-image and stayed honest. You left us too soon, bud.

 

This is good business/life advice, dealer or not.

Number 3, never trust no-bo-dy
Your moms’ll set that ass up, properly gassed up
Hoodied and masked up, shit, for that fast buck
She be laying in the bushes to light that ass up

Number 6, that goddamn credit? Dead it
You think a crackhead paying you back, shit forget it!

Niggas bleed just like us
Picture me bein’ scared of a nigga that breathe the same air as me
Niggas bleed just like us
Picture me bein’ shook
We can both pull burners, make the muthafuckin’ beef cook
Niggas bleed just like us
Picture a nigga hidin’
My life in that man hands, while he jus’ decidin’
Niggas bleed just like us
I’d rather go toe to toe with all of y’all
Runnin’ ain’t in my protocol

Err…actually, my entire in real life protocol is based around runnin’…But I can dream, can’t I?

“Another Drunk Tellin’ Lies and Stories” – Ziggy Pockets

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Ziggy Pockets is a low-key, bluesy country artist from West Virginia with songs referring to drugs, love, and sadness.

I woke up in the dumpster with cats all over me,

I was walking that old mad dog.

I can’t see twenty/twenty,

but I can see that old mad dog…

(You know of Mad Dog 20/20, right? Cheap wine…)

 

God bless West Virginia,

and all the hillbillies hooked on pills.

There’s a new generation,

running wild through the hollers and the hills.

Most folks done gone crazy,

and they’re cooking methamphetamines,

that they started cooking for their habits,

now its money for the rent and things…

Well, it’s almost heaven, but it’s West Virginia,

Lord, but the devil, the devil’s done moved on in…

Hell’s done broke loose all through the mountains

and they ain’t ever coming back again.

 

“The Idiot” – Iggy Pop

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In honor of Father’s Day, here’s an album my father and I both love.

Iggy Pop transitioned from The Stooges a solo career. Then, he and David Bowie, spent time in Berlin, and this album is a product of that era. Because of this, the production gives strong evidence of Bowie’s work.

My little China Girl,
You shouldn’t mess with me.
I’ll ruin everything you are.
I’ll give you television.
I’ll give you eyes of blue.
I’ll give you men who want to rule the world.

David Bowie produced this song, but Iggy recorded it originally, then David repurposed the song for his own devices. I love how this song intersects drugs & love, ’cause that was a large part of my life.

Listen to me, Sister Midnight;
You put a beggar in my heart.
Calling Sister Midnight-
You’ve got me walking in rags.
Hey, where are you, Sister Midnight?
Can you hear me call?
Can you hear me well?
Can you hear me at all…?

Today’s the day…

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Yesterday I saw my best friend for the first time and in months, and it was wonderful. I feel much less alone and things feel more manageable.

Even if some random old man pulled over and yelled at us for being two able-bodied grown women in a park during the day…It was a little creepy, he pulled over and just sat there for at least three minutes before saying anything. Just sat on the side of the road watching. Felt a little creeped out when we were talking to him and he suddenly announced “Well, I make the rules here”. Like, wow….I don’t know you from Adam, I don’t know what you think you’re in charge of here…

The gremlins, they’re getting bolder.

 

If everything goes as planned, today is the day for psychedelia. It feels like I’m preparing for a fourth of July celebration…I feel as prepared as possible, and much more reassured that I’m not doing this alone. I have a notebook and pen ready, and we’re going to record audio because two of the chemicals cause a free-flowing of ideas at some point…

She’s pregnant, so she can’t partake, but she’s super stoked to see this stuff in action without having to ingest it. Sort of a researcher role, and also an experienced tripper. She’s definitely the most trust-worthy person to trip around in my life. It’ll definitely add to the experience. I’m so grateful. ❤

I’m going to dose on the shorter acting chemicals first, and then dropping acid later, maybe combining it with one of the shorter acting chemicals. I was originally going to do this alone, so I researched a lot more than I do typically. We’ll see how things go.

I will try to come back with as coherent a narrative as possible. Might take a couple days.

60 Days Sober

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Yayyyy. Leavin’ the past in the rearview mirror like whaaaaattt.

Grateful to be moving on with life.

Otherwise, I don’t have much to report. My classes at the tech ended, and they’re not offering anything relevant to my programs or interests this summer, so …gah.

I guess I could start hiking.

I’ve been cranky lately, still don’t feel well and I’m just like, anti-social interaction right now. Once again, I have to figure out where I’m going to live…ugh, I don’t know why I don’t just get a car with a nice backseat and start living that parking lot/rest stop life again. Maybe go on a solo adventure this summer.

Oh, wait, there’s no way Tevye could handle that. Shit.

10 Cheapest Places to Live in the U.S.

PS: Got a surprise chunk of money today, and a surprise letter from the Wisconsin IRS…they want money from me…$20 :p. Apparently they’ve been trying to find me since the end of ’15.

Step One

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We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.

There’s really two sub-parts that need to be understood in this step- powerlessness and the resulting unmanageability.

Linguistically, the use of “we” is used here to give the individual taking the step a sense of belonging to the larger group and promote unity – addiction itself is deeply lonely, and here the individual is given a sense that they are moving into a group that has found a solution to their common problem.

When I first did this step, I understood powerlessness to mean that once alcohol or the addictive substance is consumed, the individual has given their power over to the chemical, and no longer has their normal rationality and control.

It seems to me now that we are inherently different than normal people in the sense that even when sober we are mentally obsessed with relieving our discomfort with a chemical solution. The Big Book refers to “mental blank spots” – even after a lot of study and sincere effort, I relapsed.

It is really as if parts of my brains completely ignore obvious warning signals at times…My relapse was initiated by my leg breaking (my left femur, while standing, no particular reason), which meant I had to leave the Oxford House I was in (bedrooms were upstairs, insurance reasons)…my best friend really saved me by letting me stay with her and helping me out for the first few weeks. I started to drift away from my sponsor when I moved three hours away from her, and I was in a wheelchair in a new city, so meetings weren’t readily accessible to me at the point. I moved back to my home town after a while, and what really drove the final nail into the coffin was getting involved with people from my past…even if they weren’t from the completely chaotic period of me life, it put me into an old negative head-space and I put other people’s needs above my sobriety.

Briefly relapsing didn’t cause me to completely unlearn everything I had learned, but it’s put me back into a heavy obsession with drugs and alcohol. I don’t have the physical cravings I had in early sobriety the first time around, but my brain seems to be dedicated to all the drugs, all the time right now. It’s uncomfortable, but I still have the tools I learned I don’t think it’s particularly important if we were born like this or “broke” an internal control mechanism.

Unmanageability manifests itself in different ways and different degrees, but this part of the step furthers the admission of internal chaos with a direct admission of its manifestation into all elements our lives. We are not in control of ourselves, and our lives are now controlled by raw, insatiable need.

By noting that we are in a condition of powerlessness, we open the door to allow a higher power and the strength of the group in our lives. I wasn’t aware that this step had this element of allowing in God until recently. It’s not a major part of this step, but it creates an opening for the next two steps.

Meta-Post

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I’m trying to write a post on how mental health, substance abuse/dependence and culpability intersect with one another, which will be interesting if I ever manage to finish it or figure out what my exact opinion is on that messy combination. However, I keep getting horribly sidetracked by interrelated issues while writing, getting too personal with other people’s lives, which I feel is crappy behavior, have to re-draw the line on where my responsibility began and ended in past situations, which I did with my fourth step, but my perceptions have radically changed in the last six plus months.

One of the main problems with writing this is that one of major events in my life was a messy abusive relationship that I kept going back to. It really should have ended a lot sooner than it did, and I started out talking about my own responsibility with it, and ended up getting tied up with my ex-partner’s end of the situation. The man I was with had a number of wonderful qualities (which is another thing, is people don’t really seem to realize how ostensibly “normal/above normal” abusive people can be in certain areas/seem), but also had a number of physical and mental health issues (beyond what should be applicable to a man in his 30s), including paranoid schizophrenia.

At the time, I kept arguing with myself about how responsible he was for his actions, but it would have been better, I guess, to operate from a different viewpoint. Something more along the lines that no matter what the cause is for certain behavior, especially when it’s repeated, combined with the responsible party’s knowledge of the problem and tendency to put fuel on fire rather than attempt to mitigate it well…that’s pretty good grounds for terminating a relationship, really.

But I feel shitty talking about this, because I feel that people with schizophrenia are talked about negatively too much. I’m certainly no expert on it, but I’ve known two other people well enough to know that it was part of their life, and they were both good people, one of them was pretty instrumental to me psychologically surviving a chaotic portion of my life.
*sighs* I guess the point is that the man is an asshole with schizophrenia, not an asshole because of schizophrenia.

Should I be treating this specific disorder differently than any other medical condition? Honestly, I feel like if, for example, he had heart issues, or even depression, and actively disregarded them while doing things to worsen his health,  I’d feel differently/talk about it differently. But maybe it is appropriate to treat this differently.