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Saw my best friend, Julie, yesterday. Hopped a greyhound, got there in the morning and we went to the beach.

It was so nice to be with someone who’s known me for a long time…we gel really well as people, and it’s good to have a friend that is so smart and caring.

Being in nature again was wonderful. The beach was gorgeous.

Living close to downtown like I do, I see a lot of concrete and buildings..it’s nice to see so much green and trees.

She’s due on November 24th, and having a boy. I’m so excited to bean aunt. New life in the world. Wow.

I’ve been struggling in general, depressed, stressed out.

Not even sure what’s going on…think opening up to new people is hard for me, especially with my past.

It’s really hard for me to enthusiastic at all, especially romantically, and that’s almost becoming it’s own issue. Like I feel better alone but that makes me more depressed.

Idk, feel like things are running their course with my romantic situation… I’m in a dark place with little hope. I’m not excessive with it, but it certainly alters my ability to be enthusiastic. The guy is super enthusiastic and ambitious, and encouraging even, but I think I’ve been so emotionally distant and concealed that he’s giving up.

Honestly think he’s too,um, not damaged for me. Like I have tons of weird shit and negative experience that I don’t want to just lay on him.

Haha. “This isn’t going to work, you’re just not fucked up enough for me.”

Ultimately, though, it was good to connect with someone. It’s a reminder that I’m still alive…one of my friend’s seems to have cotards syndrome, which is the belief that you are dead.

While I don’t think I’m dead, in some metaphorical sense after giving up drugs/alcohol and my last relationship, and maybe even dating, I think I thought life was over.

It’s nice to know that I can still function in the world, even if love is difficult for me. Hell, I don’t think I ever had the normal capability to feel loved. I could/can love, but almost never feel like it’s returned.

Oh! Bought my first piece of art for my apartment this weekend.

From headhunterapparel on Etsy.

Reading “the best minds of my generation”, a print form of Allen ginsbergs lectures on the beat Generation. It’s covering Burroughs right now, Allen’s insight into his internal conflict and self hate really add more layers to his writing…

Burroughs is so sardonic, removed, controlled and logical, but it disguises deep emotions…the man was an inveterate outsider, no wonder I love him.