30 days.

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(a little over 30 days)

So my dumb-ass was trying to use a fucking psychedelic as anti-depressant. Yes. It’s not that I didn’t appreciate the dxm trip, but I mostly….started using it on a regular basis because it made me feel better afterward. And then threw some other shit in there, ’cause that’s a super good idea.

Think I was doing it a couple times a week for a few weeks, feel like I don’t remember half the shit that went on, but I’m still employed and not in a crisis, which is definitely good…

I quit after the paranoia became worrying, and ended up being in somewhat of a self-aware psychosis for two weeks…thank God I have a sit-down and don’t talk to anyone job.

Like  seriously. Full-on persecution complex, and as a fun addition to this bullshit, the elevators near the parking garage starting coming down empty at the end of my breaks/lunch, right about this time and clearly that was an attempt on my remaining sanity.*

*They still do this sometimes. Have seen this happen for other people.

As in you walk in from outside, get to about six feet from the elevator, and the damn thing is suddenly down there, doors open, and there’s  no one in it.

Think we have a bored security guy or something. Haha, dude’s trying to brighten people’s days and I’m just like “SWEET JESUS, TAKE ME NOW.”

why do I do this shit to myself.

Then depression/anxiety for about two weeks, ended up calling in a couple times, and my brain is mostly at cruising speed insanity at the moment.

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It was way less cute than this.

*sigh* really need to work out my feelings on recovery as a system more. Don’t disagree with it, but I keep….finding….situational….loopholes…

 

No charges against West Milwaukee officers in death of a mentally ill man hit 18 times with Taser

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No charges against West Milwaukee officers in death of a mentally ill man hit 18 times with Taser

(jist of article: Someone called for a welfare check on a 22 year old man in a living facility with schizophrenia, seemed he was having a break with reality. Nothing violent or suicidal, not that would automatically justify this.

He was taking a shower when they arrived, the unit was locked, instead of waiting for a person with a key or for him to answer, they bust down the door. He stares at them blankly. This seems like one of the top three human responses to “I was taking a shower, now the cops broke down my door and are yelling at me for reasons unbeknownst to me”; also the least deserving of tasing. He began to struggle when they had him on the floor and were handcuffing him, again, pretty normal human stuff…

They tase him no less than 18 times, load him down with sedatives…and they’re not responsible for his death.)

Nope. NO WRONG-DOING HERE, GOOD JOB, PD.

It was that damn “excited delirium“, that seems to lay in wait to frame decent, god-fearing police officers.

V is for Values

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It seems like there’s too much focus on finding a sense of belonging, maybe a place in the narrative of humanity. It’s important to focus on individual attributes and  small, day-to-day choices rather one’s role in a cohesive group. Meaning that what you choose to do with your life, abilities, and energy on a day-to-day basis make you who you are, not anything else either granted by birth, social group, or position.

So…looking at and finding your personal values are hard, if you’ve lost touch with them. You can probably rattle off things that sound nice – but is it relevant to how you live your life? How can one reliably find attributes of self -positive and negative – while separating out things that have been forced upon us?

It’s really more of a building process than a thing that can be stripped down and done once, from my experience. Feel like this is all relatively meaningless rambling, here’s a video:

W is for Words…

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Interesting words encountered in recent reading:

palimpsest: a manuscript or piece of writing material on which the original writing has been effaced to make room for later writing but of which traces remain.

foment:instigate or stir up (an undesirable or violent sentiment or course of action).

recrudesce: break out again; recur

phatic: denoting or relating to language used for general purposes of social interaction, rather than to convey information or ask questions. Utterances such as hello, how are you? and nice morning, isn’t it? are phatic.

invidious: likely to arouse or incur resent or anger in others.

logorrhea: a tendency to extreme loquacity.

sub specie aeternitatis: viewed in relation to the eternal; in a universal perspective