Thoughts…

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1. Since taking DMT there is a lot of unpleasantness that I don’t remember. I guess a quick example would be the number of people I slept with when homelessness/addiction was a thing in my life, that stuff is just gone to me now.
2. Definitely disconnected from relationships that weren’t in my best interest…I don’t know why I wasted much time and energy on people that drained me and we’re too lost in themselves to find solid ground. I literally don’t understand it. It’s an “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” type thing.
It’s good to be free of guilt and shame that’s been weighing you down. Still have a long way to go with that, though.
3. I’m a lot more open now, at least with people I already know.
4. Strangers are telling me I’m walled off. Of course these strangers are random men who are trying to sleep with me, but it’s a little startling when someone that’s know you for five/ten minutes tells you that you were obviously hurt pretty bad and that you’ve given up on love.
5. I’m still afraid to stray too far from the apartment by myself. Melissa and I are getting a lot of bonding time in.
6. It’s so nice here…the people are kind and it’s just nice being in a city again. Sat outside smoking today, watched a guy drop a pack of cigarettes, then a (presumably) homeless man picked them up…Later he came back and accused us of stealing them (same brand), then we pointed out the guy who did and he gave them back without a fight.
7. Hopefully I’ll have an interview soon. Already looks like I have a prospective job across the street. The pay is pretty good, and I can stack cash for a while so I can go back to school and pay off debt.
8. My knee is still terrible. Take forever to get off the couch/floor, walk a little funny… I really need to appreciate how far I’ve come with this rather than how far I still have to go.
Wish my body was in a different place, though…I feel much closer to 70 than 30.
Guess that describes my place in life, really.
9. Started drinking a glass or two of wine on weekends with my friend. No trouble, no desire to be drunk. maybe even a level of aversion to feeling intoxicated.
10. Melissa says I’m a good person that’s been surrounded with shitty people. It’s nice to know someone has faith in me.

“The Idiot” – Iggy Pop

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In honor of Father’s Day, here’s an album my father and I both love.

Iggy Pop transitioned from The Stooges a solo career. Then, he and David Bowie, spent time in Berlin, and this album is a product of that era. Because of this, the production gives strong evidence of Bowie’s work.

My little China Girl,
You shouldn’t mess with me.
I’ll ruin everything you are.
I’ll give you television.
I’ll give you eyes of blue.
I’ll give you men who want to rule the world.

David Bowie produced this song, but Iggy recorded it originally, then David repurposed the song for his own devices. I love how this song intersects drugs & love, ’cause that was a large part of my life.

Listen to me, Sister Midnight;
You put a beggar in my heart.
Calling Sister Midnight-
You’ve got me walking in rags.
Hey, where are you, Sister Midnight?
Can you hear me call?
Can you hear me well?
Can you hear me at all…?

The Last Time

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A thousand unacknowledged emotions hit her. Years of disarming others emergencies and nursing the wounded thickened her skin, but left her empty at the core. Too many promises broken, too many words spoken without integrity.

Another friend lost the game they were playing with death. She understood implicitly, having played it. Work, school, the joke of her romantic life – none of this offered nearly as much satisfaction as the drug she was about to put in her veins, after over a year of abstinence. The last feeling she felt was an overwhelming rush of relief and a release from pain.

60 Days Sober

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Yayyyy. Leavin’ the past in the rearview mirror like whaaaaattt.

Grateful to be moving on with life.

Otherwise, I don’t have much to report. My classes at the tech ended, and they’re not offering anything relevant to my programs or interests this summer, so …gah.

I guess I could start hiking.

I’ve been cranky lately, still don’t feel well and I’m just like, anti-social interaction right now. Once again, I have to figure out where I’m going to live…ugh, I don’t know why I don’t just get a car with a nice backseat and start living that parking lot/rest stop life again. Maybe go on a solo adventure this summer.

Oh, wait, there’s no way Tevye could handle that. Shit.

10 Cheapest Places to Live in the U.S.

PS: Got a surprise chunk of money today, and a surprise letter from the Wisconsin IRS…they want money from me…$20 :p. Apparently they’ve been trying to find me since the end of ’15.

Daydreaming

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Chris Christie, you’s a man beast
I love it when you yelling at me on the TV
With yo white shirt, is that a taco stain?
I’ll give you cookies if you promise that I’ll get laid

It’s like she knows the struggle of 30-ish dating, either I’m too intimidated and reject myself from his life, or I have to explain that, yes, I’m in school, and no, it’s not grad school, and yeah, basically don’t ask what I’ve been doing for the past ten years, either, or uh….basically, if it goes anywhere, he has a crippling drug problem or makes me super-insecure about our ability, as a group, to not need some kind of chemical to function.

Goddamnit.

That’s why they tell you not to date in early sobriety, probably.

I refuse to go back and try to fix my grammar, ’cause I don’t even know where to start.

Reblog: Hepatitis C Is Spiking Among Young People

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Be careful out there, Hep C has tripled in the last five years.

Cases of hepatitis C in the United States have nearly tripled within a five-year period, reaching a new 15-year high of around 34,000 new hepatitis C infections in 2015, federal health officials reported. Experts attribute the higher rates to more injection drug use during the ongoing opioid epidemic. The new report from the U.S. Centers…

via Hepatitis C Is Spiking Among Young People — TIME

Step One

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We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.

There’s really two sub-parts that need to be understood in this step- powerlessness and the resulting unmanageability.

Linguistically, the use of “we” is used here to give the individual taking the step a sense of belonging to the larger group and promote unity – addiction itself is deeply lonely, and here the individual is given a sense that they are moving into a group that has found a solution to their common problem.

When I first did this step, I understood powerlessness to mean that once alcohol or the addictive substance is consumed, the individual has given their power over to the chemical, and no longer has their normal rationality and control.

It seems to me now that we are inherently different than normal people in the sense that even when sober we are mentally obsessed with relieving our discomfort with a chemical solution. The Big Book refers to “mental blank spots” – even after a lot of study and sincere effort, I relapsed.

It is really as if parts of my brains completely ignore obvious warning signals at times…My relapse was initiated by my leg breaking (my left femur, while standing, no particular reason), which meant I had to leave the Oxford House I was in (bedrooms were upstairs, insurance reasons)…my best friend really saved me by letting me stay with her and helping me out for the first few weeks. I started to drift away from my sponsor when I moved three hours away from her, and I was in a wheelchair in a new city, so meetings weren’t readily accessible to me at the point. I moved back to my home town after a while, and what really drove the final nail into the coffin was getting involved with people from my past…even if they weren’t from the completely chaotic period of me life, it put me into an old negative head-space and I put other people’s needs above my sobriety.

Briefly relapsing didn’t cause me to completely unlearn everything I had learned, but it’s put me back into a heavy obsession with drugs and alcohol. I don’t have the physical cravings I had in early sobriety the first time around, but my brain seems to be dedicated to all the drugs, all the time right now. It’s uncomfortable, but I still have the tools I learned I don’t think it’s particularly important if we were born like this or “broke” an internal control mechanism.

Unmanageability manifests itself in different ways and different degrees, but this part of the step furthers the admission of internal chaos with a direct admission of its manifestation into all elements our lives. We are not in control of ourselves, and our lives are now controlled by raw, insatiable need.

By noting that we are in a condition of powerlessness, we open the door to allow a higher power and the strength of the group in our lives. I wasn’t aware that this step had this element of allowing in God until recently. It’s not a major part of this step, but it creates an opening for the next two steps.