I’m Waiting for the Man

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Well, actually, I was waiting for an Uber, and found the man.

I took off work early to go to a Tom Waits/circus carnival type thing, right?

Got home to freshen up, called an Uber, car was listed as a silver caddie. Solid, so far, right? Apparently I fucked up and put the little pin slider not exactly at my address, but a block away.

Literally stopped at a nice looking silver car, expecting it to contain my Uber driver.


Got offered weed, coke, crack, politely declined, and started to walk away..

“What about boy?”

Bam. Turned on heels fucking cartoon-style.  Heroin is a thing with me again.

I’m not really shaming myself yet, just feeling cautious about the matter, although this is the first time I started doing a mental “relapse autopsy” before I physically relapsed.

Basically, I had/have way too much money, got all my bills paid for the month, and everything budgeted,  kinda stressed out and it was there.

Sunshine Blogger Award

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Hussein Allam, who runs an inspiring blog covering many things including Jordanian culture nominated me for this award. Go check out his blog!


1.) Thank the person who nominated you in a blog post and link back to their blog.

2.) Answer the 11 questions sent by the person who nominated you.

3.) Nominate 11 new blogs to receive the award and write them 11 new questions.

4.) List the rules and display the Sunshine Blogger Award logo in your post and/or on your blog.

11 questions for the nominees:

Which part of the world you live?

Central Wisconsin, in a small town. There’s not much to do here, and I’m probably moving again in three or so months. I’m kind of bouncing between a few different places at the moment, but I’ll probably be settling down on getting on a *gasp* lease soon. It’s close to where I went to high school, and basically I’d have to get a car and I’d be dependent on my friend for rides for a while, but it seems pretty manageable.

I’m really not that excited about the city, honestly, and running into people from high school. There are serious issues with meth and heroin pretty much in any area of Wisconsin I’ve been in, so I’m really closed off to getting involved with people at the moment.

I’m divided between living with my friend, her boyfriend and their eventual baby or getting my own place. There’s cheap apartments opening up in this city I used to live in, but that’s also where I was at the height of my addiction. I use public transportation, and the chances of me running into a lot of people I used to use with is pretty high. That in itself isn’t the actual issue itself, but the problem I’m anticipating is more or less people I used to be close with wanting to stay with me.

My best friend and I have pretty much decided it’d take me a month to have some person who is homeless and in the midst of addiction staying with me. Which would lead to me being closely involved with them, and ending up either getting evicted because of them, or because I end up using again, getting addicted, not paying rent, and uh…

I guess I could research and set out on my own in a completely new area, but I’d rather stay within range of the college I’m attending and not have to learn a whole new city on my own.

Yeah. So I think I’m just going to go with the safer option on this one, plus living with other people really limits my living expenses.

Ultimately, we’re all just a little afraid of my ability to say no to people (although I’m getting pretty good at this!), and I don’t have a great track record with sobriety, either…I’m actually getting more confident with that, using dmt and lsd really are helping me break down a lot of how I used to view the world, and my use is pretty occasional at this point, and I feel a diminished need/desire to be intoxicated, and it’s helping with a lot of other issues in my life. I feel like this is more effective than a lot of the therapy I did, and I seem to feel increasingly better while sober.

Tripping is definitely an exhausting experience, but there’s a post use glow for a week or two that’s more effective than antidepressants. This might be the first time in years that I’m not obsessively using drugs or obsessively worried about using them.

Haha, sorry for the epic answer on this one.


What’s your favorite colour?

Blue or green.

What’s your real name?!

Jocelyn Cxlxaxnxcxy.

I don’t want to come up on google, hence the x’s.


What is the best dish of desserts you like mostly?!

Hmm…I haven’t had this in a while, but tiramisu is excellent.


If you have millions of dollars what are you going to do with it?!

Buy land, build a few houses, create a small commune like living environment for myself and a few friends, generate a sustained source of income and look into helping people that are homeless or stuck in addiction.


Do you smoke?! If so why

Haha, I vape. I used to smoke, and I occasionally stop vaping, but I’m pretty hooked. Maybe I’ll try to quit again down the line.


What is your background?!

I was born in 1988, in Green Bay, WI. My dad is Catholic, and my mom’s an atheist. I was deeply religious until approximately age 12, and I’ve been wandering spiritually ever since.

I grew up in a diverse area, basically the suburbs, with a farmer’s field at the end of the street and a low-income apartment complex two streets away. I was sort of homeschooled…my dad worked all the time, and my mom is a “doesn’t cope well with her own mental illness” type, so this actually boiled down to me reading a lot, helping my mom with stuff, and being alone most of the time.

I went to Catholic school for a few years, and we moved to Waupaca when I was 13, and I went to public school from that point on. I was definitely one of the weird kids, kind of a goth/loner, but also a good student. I had a few good friends, we got into inhalants, and I started doing pills and drinking in high school. I changed social groups a couple times, mostly because I hung out with the older kids and they either dropped out, went to the alternative school, or graduated.

High school was a little traumatic, honestly, but I feel like I’m rambling now.

Still graduated on the honor roll, though.

I moved to New Hampshire to be with a guy when I was 18. I moved back, started at a local college for Political Science, and got into a relationship for six years. I had a drinking problem, left my ex, started moving around a lot and using drugs and it’s been pretty much chaos since. I’m a lot more stable than I used to be, but things aren’t really what they would have been in some things have been different.

Glad that I’m back in school and things are much more stable than they have been. I feel like I’m making a lot of internal progress this year, getting calmer, more stable, figuring out what I want more. Kinda feel like everything’s going to be alright in the future.


Do you like reading novels?! If yes what is your favorite novel?

I absolutely love reading, but picking a favorite novel is hard. I used to be a lot more ambitious with reading, so I could be pretentious and pick “Ulysses” by James Joyce, but honestly, at the moment, I’m really enjoying re-reading “Road to Nowhere” by Christopher Pike.

It was my first favorite as a pre-teen, and isn’t written that well, but I love the story and see how much it influenced me. A girl takes off in her car in the middle of the night to get away from life, and picks up two hitchhikers, and they decide to stop at the “Bardo Club”. They trade stories until the twist is revealed….

She attempted to kill herself, is in a coma, and they died a long time ago in a robbery (I think?), eventually she pulls through.

PS: “Bardo” is a state between life and death in Buddhism. I did not pick up on that when I was eleven.

Are you 24 hours online on WordPress site?

No, but I get notifications on my phone.


Anyone who wants to play along. 🙂




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So much is up in the air right now…

It took about six minutes for me to start iv’ing again, but at least it’s hallucinogenics. I have a really hard time getting off visually with them, it’s either because I used to be on antidepressants or because I have  strong ego defenses… Haha, I’m broken. 😦

This whole year has been a bit of a disappointment, really, but things will start to get together at some point, it has to.

DMT is the one drug that makes me actually feel better after I use it and come down, but with having done acid & dpt as well recently I disjarred a lot of stuff within myself. I feel like words aren’t enough to express anything in a meaningful way anymore. Language and human perception is so limited, and I feel as if I’ve backed myself into a corner again and freeing myself is going to be a nightmare.

So many people that used to be in my life are just crap, dude. There’s no kinder way to say it…I don’t know why I was so tied into other people’s drama for so long. Life is just a game, and I don’t know why I was just so invested in saving other people from their own self-inflicted crap. I don’t know why I got so entrenched in being miserable…Everything passes, really, but I’m not excited about doing this life thing for another 30 years approximately.

I need to wait a while to figure out how some financial stuff is going to be…I think I’m going to save up for a car and go back to school…suddenly I need way more money than I generally do and it’s stressing me out.

It’s ironic that now I’m afraid to vent here because like, 500 people have access to it and I’m not really sure who in my real life reads this. I don’t think that many people pay attention to this, so I should be okay.

Think I’ll push myself back into poetry for a while.


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Oh, where do I start…Imagine everything melting together around the edges, beautiful floral patterns and aztec designs, and a sense of being one with everything…with each breath you take, the world around you pulsates and breathes…

Close your eyes, and your floating in weightless space, with free-floating islands and brightly colored tubes coming toward you…No anxiety, just love and quiet.

The dialogue inside your head is one of love, a sense that a maternal universal energy is talking to you and telling you nothing is worth worrying about, we’re all part of each other and everything is love.

A lot of people get “entity contact”, but I didn’t get anything like that…


Today’s the day…

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Yesterday I saw my best friend for the first time and in months, and it was wonderful. I feel much less alone and things feel more manageable.

Even if some random old man pulled over and yelled at us for being two able-bodied grown women in a park during the day…It was a little creepy, he pulled over and just sat there for at least three minutes before saying anything. Just sat on the side of the road watching. Felt a little creeped out when we were talking to him and he suddenly announced “Well, I make the rules here”. Like, wow….I don’t know you from Adam, I don’t know what you think you’re in charge of here…

The gremlins, they’re getting bolder.


If everything goes as planned, today is the day for psychedelia. It feels like I’m preparing for a fourth of July celebration…I feel as prepared as possible, and much more reassured that I’m not doing this alone. I have a notebook and pen ready, and we’re going to record audio because two of the chemicals cause a free-flowing of ideas at some point…

She’s pregnant, so she can’t partake, but she’s super stoked to see this stuff in action without having to ingest it. Sort of a researcher role, and also an experienced tripper. She’s definitely the most trust-worthy person to trip around in my life. It’ll definitely add to the experience. I’m so grateful. ❤

I’m going to dose on the shorter acting chemicals first, and then dropping acid later, maybe combining it with one of the shorter acting chemicals. I was originally going to do this alone, so I researched a lot more than I do typically. We’ll see how things go.

I will try to come back with as coherent a narrative as possible. Might take a couple days.

Reblog: Hepatitis C Is Spiking Among Young People

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Be careful out there, Hep C has tripled in the last five years.

Cases of hepatitis C in the United States have nearly tripled within a five-year period, reaching a new 15-year high of around 34,000 new hepatitis C infections in 2015, federal health officials reported. Experts attribute the higher rates to more injection drug use during the ongoing opioid epidemic. The new report from the U.S. Centers…

via Hepatitis C Is Spiking Among Young People — TIME

Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls, Stick to the Rivers and the Lakes that You’re Used to…

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I’ve been quietly ranting to myself for a while that any drug that came out after approximately 1980ish is clearly the work of Satan. Specifically bath salts/k2.

Remember when we were kids and trippy drugs were like tubing down the slow-moving river of your mind on a sun-lit Sunday?

These drugs are more being blind-folded, chained up and dragged from a car in one of the questionable neighborhoods of your mind.

Bath salts: “Um, thanks for the contribution, brain, I can see how there’s similiarities between the person I’m talking to and someone that I haven’t seen in five years, that, additionally, I kind of hate. You seem to keep telling me that they’re the same person, though, or at least that they’re strongly connected..You are really not helping me behave in a normal manner.”

k2: “Goddamnit, why do suddenly I think everyone can read my thoughts? Potatoes. Wait, why I am I thinking about potatoes? I KNOW. THAT GUY THAT JUST SUSPICIOUSLY SNIFFED OVER THERE PUT THIS THOUGHT IN MY HEAD BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO DESTROY ME. Hey, person standing next to me that I’m having a telepathic conversation with, I’m totally right about that shady sniffling fucker over there, aren’t I? At least we’re not him…Christ, what’s wrong with him. Did I pay my taxes?”

And while all that is going on in your head on k2, you’re laughing inappropriately to yourself about how inane the whole thing is, but you can’t stop it/mitigate it in anyway.

You are way too overstimulated to even get things to slow down long enough to explain things to yourself. You know, stop acting weird, you’re the only person in your brain, thankfully, and that stranger who isn’t acknowledging you in any way isn’t plotting your death.

Ugh. Why did I put this crap in my body.