50 Shades of Sad Clown

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Here is a sad clown singing “It’s a Heartache”, because it’s been 50 shades of sad clown up in here lately:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e02v7TaU9uk

 

Final depressing comments on own life: I came to the conclusion that despite how much I like kids, I don’t want children, and if you’ve read half the crap I’ve been posting lately, you can extrapolate the reasons yourself. IUD tiemz, guiez!

My new mantra in life is “Act as if you’re going to make it to 40.” I think I’m a little “statistically disabled” on the probability of that happening, but it’s also a good goal that doesn’t intimidate me too much.

I’m done spewing psychological cancer/compulsively examining my own life now. Maybe.

Decisions; Dreams

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I’ve been praying on and waying pros and cons on the situation on moving for the past however long. Recap of the situation: I’ve been planning on moving in with my best friend and her boyfriend for months, but my mom wants to divorce my father and get a duplex with me and split the ownership with me.

Interesting things my mind did when unexpectedly presented with a new option: Run-through a thousand negative experiences I had while homeless, and the three day period which is best summed up as “Gee, I’m worrying about something obsessively. Remember when I used heroin and everything was this lovely sweet haze of beauty? Oh wait, remember being homeless, having no money, and how much that sucked?”

Okay, drug segue over: I’m leaning toward moving in with my mom, despite our traditionally unstable relationship. Also, my parents have an unhappy marriage and I’ve had little interaction with my father since I hit puberty,  so I’ve gotten over feeling guilty about that aspect.

*lol, daddy issues. the struggle is real.

I wouldn’t say the decision has been officially made, but as of right now, that’s how I’m leaning.

Amused that I’d be caretaking for a person with addiction/mental health problems again, but at least this one gave birth to me and can’t/won’t beat my ass, and I’ve never had to call the cops to do a welfare check or file a missing person report on her//call 20 people to make sure she’s just gone, not dead, and I doubt these things will happen.*

*Still afraid I’m going to fall in love like a dumbass and end up in that situation again.

Christ, my life.

Not sure if I’m pursuing this option because for some reason I feel like it makes dating an asshole less likely for reasons known only to my subconcious. Like, I’d have school, a job, and my mom. No time for mentally unstable man-children with drug issues and dependency issues.

My mom is still my mom, though: “You need to get a boyfriend so we have someone to shovel the snow in winter.

…you’re still dating men, right?”

Also, the on/off nosebleed and headache continue, and I’m exhausted but can’t sleep for longer than 1-3 hours at a time. Had a super realistic dream that I went to a movie, and saw a guy that I’ve been avoiding. I decided to spent a ridiculous amount of time hiding in the movie theatre after the movie finished… only to walk out the door and see him standing there and get a speech about how I live my life…and he’s  someone who isn’t really in the position to give these kinds of lectures, but this does fall into the realm of things he would do.*

*He also passed out outside my old apartment using my wifi in his car one night, while looking super-scruffy and getting high. Cops knocked on my door at like 3am and I thought he was dead for 10 minutes.

This morning, I almost started texting my friend about this “really awkward thing that happened yesterday” that I didn’t know how to handle.  Then I tried to figure out what movie I saw, and why I decided to go see a movie in a different city by myself for no apparent reason. (The last time I was in a movie theatre was on a date three years ago, this isn’t really something I’d go do.)

Then it dawned on me.

Things to Accomplish in 2017

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Here’s a list of my goals for 2017, broken down into smaller goals; I repeat some goals from “Three Goals for Age 29“, and”bucket list“, but there are also some new ones. This is stickied so I see it regularly, but feel free to read it.

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Impossible

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It was a wise old queen—Bobo, we called her—who taught me that I had a duty to live and to bear my burden proudly for all to see, to conquer prejudice and ignorance and hate with knowledge and sincerity and love. Whenever you are threatened by a hostile presence, you emit a thick cloud of love like an octopus squirts out ink . . .

-“Queer”, William S. Burroughs

Six impossible things I believe in:

  • The essential goodness of humanity.
  • That one day I’ll be mostly organized in life.
  • Love. Pure love.
  • One day, humanity will be able to run itself without government.
  • We’ll be able to walk the line between self-interest and what is best for everyone in time…
  • “Crime is naught but misdirected energy” – Emma Goldman

A plot of earth

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If I was given a plot of land and some financial resources, I’d build a small house. Nothing would make me happier than having my own little shotgun shack on the outskirts of town. I’d build Tevye a bird-viewing window, have my own little office in addition to the bedroom, and we’d blast sweet soul music all day long.

😀

Three Goals to Achieve in my 29th Year

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The near death knell of my wasted twenties is drawing nearer-we’re five days away from my 29th birthday- so I created a short list of goals to accomplish in the next year. Here they are:

  1. Saving your own ass
  2. Being a good person
  3. Learning more

Primary goal: Saving your own ass. You’ve discovered that a) no one can save yours, and b) you can’t save anyone else’s. The painful truth is that we are all responsible for our own choices in this world, and the best we can do for others is to try to set a positive example.

 Achieve this goal by:

  • Staying sober. Stay accountable, open, and humble. With the help of others, you can achieve anything.
  • Focusing on schoolwork. You’re probably not going to marry a rich man or inherit a bunch of money, this is the path to stability for you.
  • Keeping busy. 90% of the bad things in your life happened because you were curious and bored. As a child, you were curious, bored, and left to your own devices so you stuck your finger in an open light socket. Now you’ve moved onto more complicated versions of the same action.
  • Keeping and creating open, constant, and sincere friendships. Maintain the healthy ones, and meet new people. Romances don’t tend to work out well for you, please stay single or make a stable & sane person work their butt off to win you over.
  • Taking care of your physical body on a daily basis. Start out by focusing on healing the muscles in your left leg, and strengthening your left knee. Move toward walking and body weight exercise. Gradually move toward a more healthy and consistent diet. Keep your supplement use to those things that don’t alter your consciousness in a noticeable way. Cease and desist doing weird, drastic things to yourself.
  • Taking care of your mind. Make yoga, meditation, and daily writing a normal part of your day. Find positive role models, and try to combine their strengths. Stay on your antidepressants. You might not like being on them, but things get pretty lame and whacky when you’re off them.

Secondary goal: Being a good person. Not because you hope you’ll benefit from it in the afterlife, and not because of that good old Catholic guilt complex you have, but because the world needs more good people.

 Achieve this goal by:

  • Helping others, but protecting yourself first. Do not put another’s welfare above your own. You’ve been doing this for 28 years. Each and every time you do this, it wears you out, and instead of getting the other person out of their hell, you end up in it with them. If someone is making a sincere effort to change, provide love, support, and information when and where possible, but maintain an emotional distance, do not be afraid to take time away for yourself, and avoid basing your self-worth on their progress. Run like hell if necessary; key phrases here are “radical acceptance” and “detaching with love”. Seriously, Joss, this is what puts you back in therapy every time. STAHP.
  • Staying grateful and content. Things could and have been much worse, and each day is another chance to get it right.
  • Managing your behavior and emotions. Realize that responding, not reacting to stimuli is the best path for you. Asking for time to process your emotions and thoughts before you respond to something consistently leads to better results.
  • Learning more about yourself. Discover your interests in better detail, learn to strengthen your positive qualities and work on mitigating your weaker points.

Tertiary goal: Learn more. You feel like you wasted most of your brain and life, and it’s time to make up for it.

 Achieve this goal by:

  • Exploring new media. Read 50 books this year, listen to one new album a week, and watch one movie a week.
  • Learning or enhancing at least one skill. You’ve enhanced your social skills in the last few years, which has been extremely beneficial. Now look for something else to learn. Arbitrary suggestions: Keep a dream journal and learn to interpret your dreams. Totally up your weird tarot card and crystal loving alley. Learn more about the technical aspects of the Myers-Briggs system, since you love putting people in neat little boxes so much. Also, try to work on rebuilding your skills in writing and grammar. U finna end up slingin dope with the way u talk. (Translation: Your relaxed and natural pattern of speech makes you sound like you should be on the corner selling dope or doing something of that nature.)
  • Asking for and listening to others’ advice. Sometimes, listening to others is the only way to avoid learning the hard way, and you’re already mastered that.

Kick It

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This prompt had me stumped for a few minutes. What’s the eleventh item on your bucket list?

My response: What bucket list?

For most of my life, I was stuck between lamenting the past and experiencing anxiety about the present moment. A bucket list isn’t the type of thing I would even think of doing. It’s an interesting idea, though, so for the sake of having one, I’ll work one out here. I know these lists are supposed to be more about traveling and doing exciting things, but I’m an internal and quiet person. You’re not going to be reading about my secret desire to slay a dragon on this thing…this is more going to be a list of life goals to accomplish.

Fifteen items sound ambitious enough for me.

 

  1. Stay sober.

2. Achieve and maintain your appropriate weight.

3. Experiment with different forms of exercise and meditation. So far, you like the rowing machine, weight lifting, and yoga.

4. Maintain a regular writing habit throughout life.

5. Find people that “fan your flames”, and stay with them.

6. Be compassionate and kind to all you meet, we’re all fighting our own private wars.

7. Let your friends know how important they are and how much you love them. That’s one of those things you’ll always regret doing when you can’t anymore.

8. Consistently volunteer throughout life, and maintain an interest in your community.

9. Read one book a month.

10. Focus on your interests and passions; find more and revel in them.

11.“Invest in the human family. Invest in people. Build a little community of those you love and who love you.” – Mitch Albom

12. Start and complete a degree in Medical Coding and Billing. Maybe go to college for something else after that.

13. Maintain your integrity throughout life. Violating what you hold sacred to benefit another has never brought you any good or happiness.

14. Stay grateful.

15. Be patient with yourself and others. We’re all still learning how to be human, after all.