:)

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I’d like to introduce you all the lovely tinderellanna, who writes “The Chronicles of a Happy Divorcee”. The book in progress covers many things, including her search for love and an international characters.

Check it out.

 

Life is well, good, mostly.

I managed to not prostitute myself or use drugs, so you know, excellence all around, A+ me.

Just got paid today. I wandered into a zero-money-whatsoever period (needed a winter coat, friend had an issue, also started smoking), and ended up living on rice for a week.

Andddd basically an acquaintance asked if I would, um, well… we’re going to refer to this as “sex related work” and is still probably legal. So I spent approximately three days weighing the pros and cons of the situation, and ended up not doing it.

Finances are definitely getting better… I’m coming into holiday pay and overtime season.

I splurged on a discounted concealed carry permit class, signed up for therapy via texting, so I can subject some poor therapist to my self-involved rambling, and got a deal on a gym membership. I’m still losing weight quickly, almost at the point where it worries me. Had an eating disorder in my teens, can definitely see some obsessional aspects returning.

I’m done buying stuff for the apartment, handled a chunk of debt, and not smoking is going to save me a ton. I’m still stressed out about paying off debt I owe to school, and some payday loans from my addiction period…ugh..

And then I have to figure out how I’m going to pay for School, I already have student loans that haven’t been paid off, doubt they’re just going to throw more money at me.

Trying to figure out what med tech degree I want.

Men, because obviously I can’t update without talking about them. My ex has developed an annoying habit of slowlllllllyyyy driving by me at the bus stop and staring, which happened after I asked him to stop texting (and he did). Noticed him about four times now, not sure how to react, so I’m not.

Oh wait, I’m thinking about getting a gun and lifting weights again.

Ahaha.

Otherwise, other dude, complex situation that talking about feels disrespectful, or I’m not sure how to handle properly.

Like, I don’t even know if this is going to go anywhere, and hm…

Like I have no idea what I want out of a relationship at this point, besides a man who doesn’t decide that all my attention belongs to him after five minutes (not bitching about monogamy, but do I really need a text to respond to on all my breaks? Why are we on the phone so much?

My God, I must be a sociopath.

But I like…like I like that this is open ended more, but also there’s just like, also frustration and anxiety here. Also I think too much, goddamn it…

So I moved here to straighten myself out, which happened, and try to live a normal life.

Turns out this bores me to a large degree, and most men annoy the shit out of me. I mean…ugh… I’m actually pretty easy to get along with, but people are very…tuned into something I’m not, and it seems like …

Fuck it, what I’m trying to say is I feel like he gets me on a deeper level than most people and doesn’t just like me because like, idk, I’m fucking nice to them or something, but I feel like getting involved to a large extent with him is going to detail what I’m attempting to do, but I’m not super happy with it, and not sure if I’m going to succeed with this. On the other hand, dude is smart and weird in spades and funny…weirdly technically skilled, whole I’m over here with the poetry and endlessly ethically debating self over how to properly share a fucking elevator or something.

Tldr; idiot woman thinks she wants to get married and have kids, meets super ambitious man who wants these things and pushes her to do better, and she decides that no, it’s better to travel around aimlessly and feels like she’s is in an unspoken way agreeing to being around drugs extensively and relapsing, although I seem to have developed some self control.

Idk, dude has a habit of going in and out of sobriety, tried to be useful in the past with him and there was a whole Trainwreck with my damn ex over that, so my attitude is now a lot more hands-off. Idk, then again, I go in and out of addiction, or did, possible upside?

Oh God, also Trainwreck ex is messaging me again, but I’m just like, being the intersection of polite and curt until that stops.

But you know, not meth and alcohol, which are my trouble spots, mainly…

Ugh, I don’t know who fucked up and let me make my own decisions.

I am obviously better suited to be a cat.

 

Yay

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Saw my best friend, Julie, yesterday. Hopped a greyhound, got there in the morning and we went to the beach.

It was so nice to be with someone who’s known me for a long time…we gel really well as people, and it’s good to have a friend that is so smart and caring.

Being in nature again was wonderful. The beach was gorgeous.

Living close to downtown like I do, I see a lot of concrete and buildings..it’s nice to see so much green and trees.

She’s due on November 24th, and having a boy. I’m so excited to bean aunt. New life in the world. Wow.

I’ve been struggling in general, depressed, stressed out.

Not even sure what’s going on…think opening up to new people is hard for me, especially with my past.

It’s really hard for me to enthusiastic at all, especially romantically, and that’s almost becoming it’s own issue. Like I feel better alone but that makes me more depressed.

Idk, feel like things are running their course with my romantic situation… I’m in a dark place with little hope. I’m not excessive with it, but it certainly alters my ability to be enthusiastic. The guy is super enthusiastic and ambitious, and encouraging even, but I think I’ve been so emotionally distant and concealed that he’s giving up.

Honestly think he’s too,um, not damaged for me. Like I have tons of weird shit and negative experience that I don’t want to just lay on him.

Haha. “This isn’t going to work, you’re just not fucked up enough for me.”

Ultimately, though, it was good to connect with someone. It’s a reminder that I’m still alive…one of my friend’s seems to have cotards syndrome, which is the belief that you are dead.

While I don’t think I’m dead, in some metaphorical sense after giving up drugs/alcohol and my last relationship, and maybe even dating, I think I thought life was over.

It’s nice to know that I can still function in the world, even if love is difficult for me. Hell, I don’t think I ever had the normal capability to feel loved. I could/can love, but almost never feel like it’s returned.

Oh! Bought my first piece of art for my apartment this weekend.

From headhunterapparel on Etsy.

Reading “the best minds of my generation”, a print form of Allen ginsbergs lectures on the beat Generation. It’s covering Burroughs right now, Allen’s insight into his internal conflict and self hate really add more layers to his writing…

Burroughs is so sardonic, removed, controlled and logical, but it disguises deep emotions…the man was an inveterate outsider, no wonder I love him.

“The Mother” – Gwendolyn Brooks

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Abortions will not let you forget.
You remember the children you got that you did not get,
The damp small pulps with a little or with no hair,
The singers and workers that never handled the air.
You will never neglect or beat
Them, or silence or buy with a sweet.
You will never wind up the sucking-thumb
Or scuttle off ghosts that come.
You will never leave them, controlling your luscious sigh,
Return for a snack of them, with gobbling mother-eye.

I have heard in the voices of the wind the voices of my dim killed
children.
I have contracted. I have eased
My dim dears at the breasts they could never suck.
I have said, Sweets, if I sinned, if I seized
Your luck
And your lives from your unfinished reach,
If I stole your births and your names,
Your straight baby tears and your games,
Your stilted or lovely loves, your tumults, your marriages, aches,
and your deaths,
If I poisoned the beginnings of your breaths,
Believe that even in my deliberateness I was not deliberate.
Though why should I whine,
Whine that the crime was other than mine?–
Since anyhow you are dead.
Or rather, or instead,
You were never made.
But that too, I am afraid,
Is faulty: oh, what shall I say, how is the truth to be said?
You were born, you had body, you died.
It is just that you never giggled or planned or cried.

Believe me, I loved you all.
Believe me, I knew you, though faintly, and I loved, I loved you
All.

“Life After Death” – The Notorious B.I.G.

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Oh, Christopher Wallace, how I adore thee. Y’all were selling dope as a kid, and you moved up to millionaire status with your music. You kept a realistic self-image and stayed honest. You left us too soon, bud.

 

This is good business/life advice, dealer or not.

Number 3, never trust no-bo-dy
Your moms’ll set that ass up, properly gassed up
Hoodied and masked up, shit, for that fast buck
She be laying in the bushes to light that ass up

Number 6, that goddamn credit? Dead it
You think a crackhead paying you back, shit forget it!

Niggas bleed just like us
Picture me bein’ scared of a nigga that breathe the same air as me
Niggas bleed just like us
Picture me bein’ shook
We can both pull burners, make the muthafuckin’ beef cook
Niggas bleed just like us
Picture a nigga hidin’
My life in that man hands, while he jus’ decidin’
Niggas bleed just like us
I’d rather go toe to toe with all of y’all
Runnin’ ain’t in my protocol

Err…actually, my entire in real life protocol is based around runnin’…But I can dream, can’t I?