Mental Health Weirdness/self-involved rambling

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HERE’S A FUN THING:

I was talking to a guy who was literally 5’2 and fifty, he got in my personal space, and we went from having an awesome conversation to me getting super laggy and him asking if I take drugs or medication.

Also he insisted that we talked last night, which, yeah, I was mostly home last night, or at least not wandering around talking to random people.

  • GODDAMNIT, LIFE, I QUIT BLACKOUT DRINKING, WHAT DO YOU  WANT FROM ME?
  • I have mastered the art of silent anxiety attacks, but they’re so fucking stealthy that I’m unaware/dissociated from them that either the person I’m talking to notices that I get super fucking spacey, or eventually I notice that my heart is pounding and the person I’m talking to is impossible to understand.

Also I no longer have insurance, and I’m being more social, which unfortunately requires a certain amount of drug and alcohol use to do successfully. So I feel kind of fucked about this situation. Like I’m trying to be a good employee, develop friends,  lose weight (down 100 now!), find a successful relationship, leave the past behind me, and survive sans medication and why does this shit have to be in my face all the time?

Literally, my (last) ex started checking my heart rate at certain points…”Well, shit, she seems not to know what’s going on again, better preform a manual check, here…”

I’ve had panic attacks for a long time, and “cured” them for a long time with self-injury, alcohol, and drugs. So there’s like this weird thing with me where I don’t show it, and actually am pretty much unaware of what’s going on with me, until I notice I can’t follow follow the conversation and I become aware that my heart is pounding in my chest.

I kind of wanted to be done with being the “obviously crazy girl who’s really sweet and fun to use with”.  and I somehow I manage to find this guy who’s in psychology, and bammmmm I think I’ve been through this thing like 3 times now, can I be fucking done please. Jesus fuck. I’ve actually done this significantly once before, feel like I wandered away from that again…

Like the love for weird is appreciated, but I feel like there’s a fine ass line between trying to figure out a person’s brain and help potentially and digging in their to exploit weaknesses.

All I’m saying is that I picture this nightmare scenario where I’m dating a guy who trains me to jump through a hoop, bark three times and idk what goes after that, but nothing good.

It’s the weakness that bothers me. I would literally prefer someone think I’m a sociopath/acting fucked up intentionally than know how afraid I am of everything and how many issues I have with functioning. I just feel so tainted by my past and history…it’s a lifelong thing really, but a shorthand description of my twenties sounds like “graduated high school with honors, despite being kinda math retarded, better with words than anything else, dropped out of a college three times, 5 year relationship with woman, pulmonary embolism from birth control delved into drinking a bottle of whiskey for a night for months? years?, pills, iv’ing, brief period of sleeping with all the men ever, has a leg that breaks when she’s fucking standing on it, and then turns into a functional shut-in by 30.

Like im the Ron Burgundy of fucking up.

Oh, throw in a brain tumor at age 8. I can’t talk about myself without sounding and feeling like a pathelogical liar at this point. Like, my perceptions are so limited, but so are everyone’s but I just doubt anything and everything that comes out of me at this point. It’s just too much, dude.

COULD I BE GODDAMN NORMAL FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES HERE. This is an exhausting life.

I feel so incredibly disociated from all of this, it’s just disgusting and painful.

I just hate how I’m basically a fucking mental case no matter what I goddamn do. It’s like I confused therapists and a psychiatrist for years, at this point I have to consider myself vaguely an “anxiety oriented cluster B clusterfuck”, but literally, my ex was pretty convinced that I had multiple personalities, besides the obvious ever-present anxiety element.

Who fucking knows or cares, really, there might be good sides to me, but this existence is a fucking slow-motion trainwreck at this point. Like I don’t really know what to do with myself anymore, so I’m just kind of reverting, which isnt good…but I also need people, would like to have friends that get me and also won’t like, kill me, basically, but that doesn’t seem to be possible.

P is for Productivity

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Everyone has some level of challenge with prioritizing and getting things done. Here’s a few tips & tricks I use:

  • Write it down.

The human memory is a tricky thing, if something is important enough to remember, it’s important enough to write down. Personally, I find having too much to do in my head results in anxiety, and nothing getting done. Too much stuff piles up and I swear I just want to curl in a fetal position and think about the order to do things in and how much disaster is going to potentially ensue. This is not productive.

There’s several ways you can handle this – evernote is a nice app for note-taking, calendar setting, anything you need reminders for. Personally, I like it  because what I do on my phone transfers over to the chromebook, and it’s free! Google keep is pretty decent, as well.

My dayplanner is pretty indispensible, though – nice to have a physical thing that tracks what’s going on.

  • Turn off notifications

So, somewhere between my tendency to compulsively respond to messages, and overly aggressive people (seriously, if you called me twice in a row and I didn’t pick up – maybe I’m doing a thing? Maybe this worked the first few times because I assumed there was a crisis and it never is, so I hope you’re not dying, but no?), I needed to step in and parent myself.

You can mute conversations on messenger, and most phones have settings that allow you to block notifications for apps, disallow the phone to ring after a certain hour – there are numbers you can white-list, generally.

Same with the computer. Are you doing a thing? KILL YOUR NOTIFICATIONS. RUTHLESSLY. MURDER THEM. EMAILS BE DAAAAAAAAAAAAMNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.

  • Eff social media

why the hell anyone feels the need to know what is going on with 300 people they don’t talk to is beyond me. Ok, ok – I blog, but like…this format makes sense to me. Longer, more meaningful and personal, but also fairly anonymous. Really, each to his own, but if messenger wasn’t a thing I wouldn’t be on FB.

There’s been a lot of studies done that social media actually enhances depression and isolation, and feelings of less-than-ness. People don’t really post about monotony.

Even with mine – what, am I going to post a status like “paid my electric bill. went to work. cleaned”?

I totally don’t mention the mundance and annoying shit, but will occasionally try to put up something positive? Otherwise the only stuff I allow myself to post are articles and songs, and no one really gives a fuck about that, so I’m stymied on the entire concept of status updates at this point. FB is good for group photos, and like, people you used to be close with and there’s like a half-ass vague mutual interest? Maybe? Some groups are ok?

Help, what is facebook?

Like why would I want to just publically broadcast my shit at this point? Ew. If I could get away with wearing a burqa and being referred to as Anon Citizen, I would.

*blogs about self, unironically*

If you have issues with facebook or time-wasting sites, try stayfocused. you can block yourself for certain periods of time.

Honestly, I have a fb, with approximately 20 people on it, none of which I’m related to. Kind of got in the habit of talking to 2 people on messenger, and I have this annoying tendency to delete it, honestly it made sense like twice, but now I just like…don’t want my fb tied to anything. Vestigal facebooking, at thirty.

I have a total “grandma” fb at this point. Dislike the privacy failures by the corporation and just don’t want random people up in my personal history so much. It’s weird and creepy, don’t get why I was so into that at one point. Had an ex, we were totally over-the-top with our fb love of each other and now like, it’s conceptually gross to me. Plz don’t declare your undying, pure love of me on the internet and tell me I’m a piece of shit three seconds later? I question my sense of reality enough, thanks.

  • Clean environment

So, if I’m busy, I’m prone to let orderliness slide a bit, generally clean on my days off from work. You know what happens if my apartment gets messy? Less motivation to clean, then depression, and all of a sudden there’s fifteen feet of newspapers that I’m trapped under, then I’m fired and lose my job? Oh, sorry, was projecting a bit there…but it might be different for you, but anything beyond “slight mess” is super-demotivating for me.

  • Schedule in rewards and self-care along with errands and necessities

Only scheduling in unpleasant tasks makes your dayplanner feel like the “Today’s Punishment Is…” book. Also found out that regularly doing things I enjoy *gasp* makes me less of a miserable asshole. So, make time for things that nurture you and aid in relaxation.

  • Exercise

It enhances dopamine (<3), and increases energy and motivation. Also you’re less likely to die as much, that’s pretty dope.

  • Utilize your commute time

If you drive, try an audio book. If you’re a public transportation user like me, you have more time for writing and reading- as long as you’re familiar with the route, lol.

  • Have your groceries delivered

You can order them online and have them delivered to your house. It makes life so less hellish.

  • Get up early

Yeah, it’s unpleasant and weird, but actually waking up early, eating breakfast, and exercising make you less of a miserable, lazy bastard.

 

Gratitude about Life

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(so here’s a great big mood swing)

As much as I am Eeyore, I am intensely grateful for a lot of things in my life, primarily the things that went off-course. I don’t particularly like the phrase or the song, but sometimes God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, and a lot of the worst things in my life ended up being the biggest teachers.

My life has been such that I can wake up in a small apartment with rented furniture, and be happy to be alone, sober, and employed. 30 isn’t really that bad a time to straighten out…

This is probably the first time I’ve respected myself, and the most I’ve generally liked myself. The future looks pretty bright. My job is stable, I’m moving to a nicer apartment in June, and getting my own furniture. Now I have to wrangle myself back into education, and increase my confidence in my own abilities.

While there’s no undoing years of damage, there’s always always always the option to stop and start treating one’s self properly. I’ve been depressed over a combination of emotional, mental, and physical deterioration, but there’s hope. Just have to kick my own ass and continue to do things that are difficult for me.

Got lost in crying over lost potential for a while, but I’m a lot more capable than I give myself credit for and hold myself back and settle too much. Also come to the conclusion that in no way, shape, or form do I ever want to be a substance abuse counselor. Dealing with my own burden is enough of a weight for me. A

Still remarkably open-ended on what I want, educationally. I want to nurture, but also work best alone and I just don’t wanna invest in people like I used to… Perhaps something with animals or plants?

Medical coding and billing seems like a pretty good stop-gap for me, though, so I might pursue that in the interim.

Almost want to consider teaching(!), had past ambitions to be a librarian, which might be nice if I can connive myself into learning and retaining that much about mathematics.

I’ve been doing yet another past analysis (haha), and this time around it’s a lot easier to forgive myself and others. We’re all quite limited, and I feel like most of us do the best we can with what we know. There’s only so much you can learn from feeling bitter toward other people and regretting your past actions. Seen a lot of growth in myself, but also new problem areas, some old faults as well…

The truth about me is that I could be in a much better spot in life, but I made a lot of mistakes, but I was generally ill-prepared, over-focused on pleasing other people, and incredibly self-hating for decades. I  was without value to myself until remarkably recently.

What I did get out of my 20’s was the knowledge that I am capable in a lot of different types of situations, I can be brave, and if you can win me, I’m incredibly loyal and dedicated. Pretty much only one person gets this out of me at this point, but oh well. Of course, 30 year-old me hisses, and goes into passive observation mode whenever a human approaches, but that’s a story for another time.

What I need to focus on is continuing to improve discipline, general mental and physical health, and honoring my own desires and accomplishments more. I’m fat, but lost 90 lbs, and I really don’t give myself the credit I deserve for doing that. Or for actually getting a full-time job, and maintaining it. I was on social security for 6 years…worked part-time off and on during that period, but this is definitely a jump and an improvement. Helps the self-efficacy bit, obviously…

Also pursuing therapy again, as much as I’d rather not…but I’ve developed (re?) an aversion to people, and need guidance and accountability. As lame this it is, sometimes it’s easier for me to work on myself to make another person happy. A therapist seems like a pretty low-risk option for this, lol. I need help learning to let people in again, because I am just a series of walls and locks at this point.

Also my bff. Met her in high shool, she is  one of the consistently best influences. While we both did some crazy shit in the past, we calmed down at about the same time, so that’s a huge boon, there. Capricorn and INTJ. Calmness, stability, logic, and bluntness. Nice off-set to my moonpersonness.

While it’s somewhat unfortunate that I’m 30 and completely opposed to being a relationship, being alone and happy is better than being in a destructive or even stymying relationship. I dunno. My dream dude is probably on reddit, bitching about life right now. Who knows? WILL WE FORCE OURSELVES INTO SOCIAL SITUATIONS LONG ENOUGH TO MEET IN THIS LIFETIME? That’s the real question.

Have a lot of new issues with men, to the point where I realize I don’t emotionally invest in the ones in my life…it’s a bit hard to explain. Some of it is trust, but I’m in such a place of a negative expectations that I feel somewhat toxic at the moment, in this area.

Kind of funny that 30 year old me turned out to be mostly asexual and aromantic.

Honestly think I’m leaning toward not having children, I adore children, but there’s too much worry and stress involved in having my own.

 

 

New plant babies!

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Catnip clipping from my best friend. Nothing better than a friend that can enable enlighten you on the ways of your new hobby, lol.

Catnip is quite lovely to look at, can’t wait ’til it’s bigger and I have my cats. Probably have to hang it, though – Tevye is pretty into the dried form, can’t imagine a tender young plant standing much of a chance with him.

Lucky Bamboo, commonly known as an “unkillable” plant. We shall see, haha.

It’s high light and high water. I like plants that take a bit more watering, feel like I want  to hover nervously and drizzle water in every few hours no matter what the instructions are for the specific plant, lol.

Another gift from my bff! It’s a snake plant/mother-in-law’s tongue plant. I guess this one is going to be bushier than is typical for the species.

Easier upkeep on this one, it likes indirect light and doesn’t need that much watering. (note to self: do not drown this plant, haha.)

Otherwise in the world of plants, there’s a course on Coursera called “Understanding Plants“…it’s less an intro to gardening course than a biological and scientific view on plants. In the second week, haven’t come to a major decision on it, but it’s good so far.

Random facts:

  • yams contain phyto-estrogen, which is a primary ingredient in birth control
  • plants are actually quite sentient in a way. They can sense light, movement, sound, and color. Obviously they sense light, but they actually have an awareness of how long they’ve been exposed to it.
  • Plants also have had a major effect on world history. Guess that’s not really surprising if you’re aware of the history of like, “wheat in the fertile crescent”, “the potato in Ireland”, or “opium, china, and english traders”, but for instance, the only source of food for silkworms are mulberry trees, so any type of issue with mulberry trees leads to issues with silk…
  • We’re running out of arable land, temptures are increasing, and the population is growing. We’re doomed, guys.
  • Darwin started out as a botonist.
  • Barbara Mcclintock discovered that pieces of dna can move in the genome in the fifties…her ideas were largely rejected at the time, but now she’s the one woman to receive the Nobel Prize in Medicine in her own. The lady was studying corn ffs.

Tropism! Plants follow light!

Ever seen sunflowers?

 

More fun discoveries at Mom’s

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*knitting needles and supplies. Don’t have a huge amount of stuff, but super happy to have it back.

*Some cool shirts that fit, some too small. David Bowie for the win.

*My graduation coin and stone that says hope from graduating rehab.

*Literally notebooks full of stepwork and daily reflections, five plus books on recovery…. I feel like an amnesiac.

Guess this has to be the most creative relapse I’ve come up with yet. Break leg, forced to move to the South end of the state, stop meetings because mobility issues and new location, “cure self” with 4-aco-dmt, get obsessed with work, fuck self over, enter escape hatch before doom ensues.

Julie ended up being up here at her mom’s, we got pizza and talked shit over. ❤ best friend time. Still gotta pick out a time to get the Daria tattoos.

It hasn’t been terrible at my mom’s, but it’s pretty much a power struggle.

pictures, too many words.

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Milwaukee is perfect.

Sorry for the recent influx of selfies, just kind of like…this is one of the rare pictures of myself that I like. Props to Melissa to get me to calm down and stop using the thumbs up pose I’ve been using since age 14. Considering I’m like 30, I am on some levels way too much of an insecure teenager.

This is totally her shirt, she’s trying to get me to stop dressing in black/brown/grey…think the amount of black and grey in my apartment has to be an over-the-top joke on depression, but okay…

Oh! I FINALLY GOT A NEW APARTMENT. It’s in Melissa’s building, and it’s nice. I’m moving on up out of the hood, guys. It’s actually close to work, and a friend, lol…which is a lot nicer than moving to the south side, like I was thinking about…it’s nice over there, but it’s mostly over the highway, which means that bus trips are insanely long.

Moving in a couple months…super happy.