“Wild Geese” – Mary Oliver

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You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Thoughts…

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1. Since taking DMT there is a lot of unpleasantness that I don’t remember. I guess a quick example would be the number of people I slept with when homelessness/addiction was a thing in my life, that stuff is just gone to me now.
2. Definitely disconnected from relationships that weren’t in my best interest…I don’t know why I wasted much time and energy on people that drained me and we’re too lost in themselves to find solid ground. I literally don’t understand it. It’s an “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” type thing.
It’s good to be free of guilt and shame that’s been weighing you down. Still have a long way to go with that, though.
3. I’m a lot more open now, at least with people I already know.
4. Strangers are telling me I’m walled off. Of course these strangers are random men who are trying to sleep with me, but it’s a little startling when someone that’s know you for five/ten minutes tells you that you were obviously hurt pretty bad and that you’ve given up on love.
5. I’m still afraid to stray too far from the apartment by myself. Melissa and I are getting a lot of bonding time in.
6. It’s so nice here…the people are kind and it’s just nice being in a city again. Sat outside smoking today, watched a guy drop a pack of cigarettes, then a (presumably) homeless man picked them up…Later he came back and accused us of stealing them (same brand), then we pointed out the guy who did and he gave them back without a fight.
7. Hopefully I’ll have an interview soon. Already looks like I have a prospective job across the street. The pay is pretty good, and I can stack cash for a while so I can go back to school and pay off debt.
8. My knee is still terrible. Take forever to get off the couch/floor, walk a little funny… I really need to appreciate how far I’ve come with this rather than how far I still have to go.
Wish my body was in a different place, though…I feel much closer to 70 than 30.
Guess that describes my place in life, really.
9. Started drinking a glass or two of wine on weekends with my friend. No trouble, no desire to be drunk. maybe even a level of aversion to feeling intoxicated.
10. Melissa says I’m a good person that’s been surrounded with shitty people. It’s nice to know someone has faith in me.

“A Sad Child” – Margaret Atwood

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You’re sad because you’re sad.
It’s psychic. It’s the age. It’s chemical.
Go see a shrink or take a pill,
or hug your sadness like an eyeless doll
you need to sleep.

Well, all children are sad
but some get over it.
Count your blessings. Better than that,
buy a hat. Buy a coat or pet.
Take up dancing to forget.

Forget what?
Your sadness, your shadow,
whatever it was that was done to you
the day of the lawn party
when you came inside flushed with the sun,
your mouth sulky with sugar,
in your new dress with the ribbon
and the ice-cream smear,
and said to yourself in the bathroom,
I am not the favorite child.

My darling, when it comes
right down to it
and the light fails and the fog rolls in
and you’re trapped in your overturned body
under a blanket or burning car,

and the red flame is seeping out of you
and igniting the tarmac beside your head
or else the floor, or else the pillow,
none of us is;
or else we all are.

Grow with Age

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You can discover new talents and interests at any age. People who stay open to their inner inclinations and remain true to themselves commonly discover more about themselves throughout their life.

-“Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You” by Patricia Evans

Sunshine Blogger Award

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Hussein Allam, who runs an inspiring blog covering many things including Jordanian culture nominated me for this award. Go check out his blog!

 

1.) Thank the person who nominated you in a blog post and link back to their blog.

2.) Answer the 11 questions sent by the person who nominated you.

3.) Nominate 11 new blogs to receive the award and write them 11 new questions.

4.) List the rules and display the Sunshine Blogger Award logo in your post and/or on your blog.

11 questions for the nominees:

Which part of the world you live?

Central Wisconsin, in a small town. There’s not much to do here, and I’m probably moving again in three or so months. I’m kind of bouncing between a few different places at the moment, but I’ll probably be settling down on getting on a *gasp* lease soon. It’s close to where I went to high school, and basically I’d have to get a car and I’d be dependent on my friend for rides for a while, but it seems pretty manageable.

I’m really not that excited about the city, honestly, and running into people from high school. There are serious issues with meth and heroin pretty much in any area of Wisconsin I’ve been in, so I’m really closed off to getting involved with people at the moment.

I’m divided between living with my friend, her boyfriend and their eventual baby or getting my own place. There’s cheap apartments opening up in this city I used to live in, but that’s also where I was at the height of my addiction. I use public transportation, and the chances of me running into a lot of people I used to use with is pretty high. That in itself isn’t the actual issue itself, but the problem I’m anticipating is more or less people I used to be close with wanting to stay with me.

My best friend and I have pretty much decided it’d take me a month to have some person who is homeless and in the midst of addiction staying with me. Which would lead to me being closely involved with them, and ending up either getting evicted because of them, or because I end up using again, getting addicted, not paying rent, and uh…

I guess I could research and set out on my own in a completely new area, but I’d rather stay within range of the college I’m attending and not have to learn a whole new city on my own.

Yeah. So I think I’m just going to go with the safer option on this one, plus living with other people really limits my living expenses.

Ultimately, we’re all just a little afraid of my ability to say no to people (although I’m getting pretty good at this!), and I don’t have a great track record with sobriety, either…I’m actually getting more confident with that, using dmt and lsd really are helping me break down a lot of how I used to view the world, and my use is pretty occasional at this point, and I feel a diminished need/desire to be intoxicated, and it’s helping with a lot of other issues in my life. I feel like this is more effective than a lot of the therapy I did, and I seem to feel increasingly better while sober.

Tripping is definitely an exhausting experience, but there’s a post use glow for a week or two that’s more effective than antidepressants. This might be the first time in years that I’m not obsessively using drugs or obsessively worried about using them.

Haha, sorry for the epic answer on this one.

 

What’s your favorite colour?

Blue or green.

What’s your real name?!

Jocelyn Cxlxaxnxcxy.

I don’t want to come up on google, hence the x’s.

 

What is the best dish of desserts you like mostly?!

Hmm…I haven’t had this in a while, but tiramisu is excellent.

 

If you have millions of dollars what are you going to do with it?!

Buy land, build a few houses, create a small commune like living environment for myself and a few friends, generate a sustained source of income and look into helping people that are homeless or stuck in addiction.

 

Do you smoke?! If so why

Haha, I vape. I used to smoke, and I occasionally stop vaping, but I’m pretty hooked. Maybe I’ll try to quit again down the line.

 

What is your background?!

I was born in 1988, in Green Bay, WI. My dad is Catholic, and my mom’s an atheist. I was deeply religious until approximately age 12, and I’ve been wandering spiritually ever since.

I grew up in a diverse area, basically the suburbs, with a farmer’s field at the end of the street and a low-income apartment complex two streets away. I was sort of homeschooled…my dad worked all the time, and my mom is a “doesn’t cope well with her own mental illness” type, so this actually boiled down to me reading a lot, helping my mom with stuff, and being alone most of the time.

I went to Catholic school for a few years, and we moved to Waupaca when I was 13, and I went to public school from that point on. I was definitely one of the weird kids, kind of a goth/loner, but also a good student. I had a few good friends, we got into inhalants, and I started doing pills and drinking in high school. I changed social groups a couple times, mostly because I hung out with the older kids and they either dropped out, went to the alternative school, or graduated.

High school was a little traumatic, honestly, but I feel like I’m rambling now.

Still graduated on the honor roll, though.

I moved to New Hampshire to be with a guy when I was 18. I moved back, started at a local college for Political Science, and got into a relationship for six years. I had a drinking problem, left my ex, started moving around a lot and using drugs and it’s been pretty much chaos since. I’m a lot more stable than I used to be, but things aren’t really what they would have been in some things have been different.

Glad that I’m back in school and things are much more stable than they have been. I feel like I’m making a lot of internal progress this year, getting calmer, more stable, figuring out what I want more. Kinda feel like everything’s going to be alright in the future.

 

Do you like reading novels?! If yes what is your favorite novel?

I absolutely love reading, but picking a favorite novel is hard. I used to be a lot more ambitious with reading, so I could be pretentious and pick “Ulysses” by James Joyce, but honestly, at the moment, I’m really enjoying re-reading “Road to Nowhere” by Christopher Pike.

It was my first favorite as a pre-teen, and isn’t written that well, but I love the story and see how much it influenced me. A girl takes off in her car in the middle of the night to get away from life, and picks up two hitchhikers, and they decide to stop at the “Bardo Club”. They trade stories until the twist is revealed….

She attempted to kill herself, is in a coma, and they died a long time ago in a robbery (I think?), eventually she pulls through.

PS: “Bardo” is a state between life and death in Buddhism. I did not pick up on that when I was eleven.

Are you 24 hours online on WordPress site?

No, but I get notifications on my phone.

Nominees:

Anyone who wants to play along. 🙂