Thoughts…

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1. Since taking DMT there is a lot of unpleasantness that I don’t remember. I guess a quick example would be the number of people I slept with when homelessness/addiction was a thing in my life, that stuff is just gone to me now.
2. Definitely disconnected from relationships that weren’t in my best interest…I don’t know why I wasted much time and energy on people that drained me and we’re too lost in themselves to find solid ground. I literally don’t understand it. It’s an “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” type thing.
It’s good to be free of guilt and shame that’s been weighing you down. Still have a long way to go with that, though.
3. I’m a lot more open now, at least with people I already know.
4. Strangers are telling me I’m walled off. Of course these strangers are random men who are trying to sleep with me, but it’s a little startling when someone that’s know you for five/ten minutes tells you that you were obviously hurt pretty bad and that you’ve given up on love.
5. I’m still afraid to stray too far from the apartment by myself. Melissa and I are getting a lot of bonding time in.
6. It’s so nice here…the people are kind and it’s just nice being in a city again. Sat outside smoking today, watched a guy drop a pack of cigarettes, then a (presumably) homeless man picked them up…Later he came back and accused us of stealing them (same brand), then we pointed out the guy who did and he gave them back without a fight.
7. Hopefully I’ll have an interview soon. Already looks like I have a prospective job across the street. The pay is pretty good, and I can stack cash for a while so I can go back to school and pay off debt.
8. My knee is still terrible. Take forever to get off the couch/floor, walk a little funny… I really need to appreciate how far I’ve come with this rather than how far I still have to go.
Wish my body was in a different place, though…I feel much closer to 70 than 30.
Guess that describes my place in life, really.
9. Started drinking a glass or two of wine on weekends with my friend. No trouble, no desire to be drunk. maybe even a level of aversion to feeling intoxicated.
10. Melissa says I’m a good person that’s been surrounded with shitty people. It’s nice to know someone has faith in me.

“somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond” – e.e. cummings

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somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me,i and
my life will shut very beautifully,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

Forever, Together Alone Tag

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♡The Rules:♡

  1. Thank the person who started this tag (Luna) and link the blog back!
  2. Answer the questions the person has set up for you! (#7 Stays The Same Forever!)
  3. Tag some peeps back who you think or know are not in a relationship or have a crush!
  4. Post your favourite picture you have on your desktop! (idk why just do it XD)

Do you a movie/book crush you wish was real:

Hm. I don’t think I really think about characters in that way, this is weirdly difficult for me. I don’t read/watch a lot of romance-oriented media, so mostly all I can think of are disturbed male characters that would be good to have conversations with and get high with.

Seriously, the best I can do here is bring up Todd from Bojack Horseman. Tod is really sweet and good-natured, but also lives on his best friend’s couch, ambitionless to the point that even I’m a little worried,  isn’t the brightest bulb in the drawer, seems like the ultimate pothead, and is asexual.

That’s like, more like the type of guy I spent my mid-twenties with (minus the asexual componant) than someone I would theoretically get involved with now.

Ahaha,

I’m moving around way too much, and just have too much internal/external stuff I need to work on to want to be in a relationship.

 

 

What are some problems you think come with relationships:

Oh, dear. Trust and communication issues, mainly.

Trust issues: Dated a guy who was once stabbed by an ex. Used to think the woman was crazy, now I want to hang out with her and compare war wounds. The guy hit me, cheated on me, lied to my face, made shit up about me, ate more than half my drugs, and generally just fucked with my ability to live a calm, orderly life.

He was a good lay though, so he had that going for him.

But uh, my point is here that since then I’ve had a really hard time opening up to anyone and extending trust to potential romantic partners. I really need to work on that before I get involved again.

Communication: I’ve been called an ice princess before. I tell people that there’s a problem, or going to be one, but apparently I don’t communicate the point strongly enough. Then they do whatever, and I’m pissed off and don’t want to talk it over, so I shut down until I can be calm, and mostly now I just rage-quit unless there’s something worth saving or I’m just completely goddamn guilted into a painful, soul-sucking slog.

I feel like I’m super-giving, and then people take advantage of it so long and so hard, give nothing in return, and wonder why I just fucking disappear. I am required to teach adults how to be human beings? Is this in my job description somewhere?

I was in a pretty fast scene for a while, so I was in a lot of impulsive, poorly planned relationships for a few years there. Like, seriously, not trying to diss myself too hard, but it just seems like my “standards” for a couple years there boiled down to: funny, uses drugs, and good in bed, has been in my life for a minimum of three hours.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to have less issues in life now that my social life isn’t just random long-term drug addicts.

Still bitter, though.

 

Would you ever want to have a kid:

Eh….My partner would have to have a healthy family and be pretty stable for this to happen. My family’s pretty unhealthy, and I don’t have a good track record for stability. I’ve moved more in the last few years than most people probably do in twenty years. I don’t want to subject a child to what my life’s been like so far.

Do you like to write poetry:

Of course.

 

Do you want to get married/ be in a relationship:

Eh…If someone worth commiting to enters my life.

 

Do you think romantic love is worth everything and you should give up everything for it:

I used to be an overly-idealistic “love conquers all” type, grew up with a very Catholic viewpoint and was totally ready to spend my life being a good wife to someone, and then life happened.

So, under most circumstances, no.

Your friends are worth it, though.

 

Are you in a relationship/have a crush or are you a lonely bean like me:

I have options, but there’s way too much baggage, and I feel like getting involved with anyone of these guys is basically like choosing between which drugs my life is going to revolve around a minimum of three months down the line.

So…basically I have feelings that I pretend don’t exist, because I’d rather spend my money on rent, going to school, saving for a car,  and occasionally doing dmt/random hallucinogenics. If I could not be living with friends, living in a crack motel, living in a homeless shelter/car, and other questionable situations for the rest of my life, well, that’d just be great, wouldn’t it?

Lonely bean for life.

My Favorite Picture:

 

My 18199419_221506671673453_8582165566133801390_n.jpgNominees Are:

The rest of my forever alone bloggers (you know who you are!)

“In the Trance” – Brenda Hillman

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A pretty anarchist said to me
It’s not that a great love happens
What happened became your great love

Her echo had an ancient glow & so
proved buoyant for my little craft

I left the world & felt a world

The bee loading its gloves with powder
The albatross wanting one thing from the sea

Nothing can wreck our boat said she

& when the water felt the glacier
The future held a present tense
The present held a future without cease

“Tonight at Noon” –

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Tonight at noon
Supermarkets will advertise 3p extra on everything
Tonight at noon
Children from happy families will be sent to live in a home
Elephants will tell each other human jokes
America will declare peace on Russia
World War I generals will sell poppies on the street on November 11th
The first daffodils of autumn will appear
When the leaves fall upwards to the trees

Tonight at noon
Pigeons will hunt cats through city backyards
Hitler will tell us to fight on the beaches and on the landing fields
A tunnel full of water will be built under Liverpool
Pigs will be sighted flying in formation over Woolton
And Nelson will not only get his eye back but his arm as well
White Americans will demonstrate for equal rights
In front of the Black house
And the monster has just created Dr. Frankenstein

Girls in bikinis are moonbathing
Folksongs are being sung by real folk
Art galleries are closed to people over 21
Poets get their poems in the Top 20
There’s jobs for everybody and nobody wants them
In back alleys everywhere teenage lovers are kissing in broad daylight
In forgotten graveyards everywhere the dead will quietly bury the living
and
You will tell me you love me
Tonight at noon