:)

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I’d like to introduce you all the lovely tinderellanna, who writes “The Chronicles of a Happy Divorcee”. The book in progress covers many things, including her search for love and an international characters.

Check it out.

 

Life is well, good, mostly.

I managed to not prostitute myself or use drugs, so you know, excellence all around, A+ me.

Just got paid today. I wandered into a zero-money-whatsoever period (needed a winter coat, friend had an issue, also started smoking), and ended up living on rice for a week.

Andddd basically an acquaintance asked if I would, um, well… we’re going to refer to this as “sex related work” and is still probably legal. So I spent approximately three days weighing the pros and cons of the situation, and ended up not doing it.

Finances are definitely getting better… I’m coming into holiday pay and overtime season.

I splurged on a discounted concealed carry permit class, signed up for therapy via texting, so I can subject some poor therapist to my self-involved rambling, and got a deal on a gym membership. I’m still losing weight quickly, almost at the point where it worries me. Had an eating disorder in my teens, can definitely see some obsessional aspects returning.

I’m done buying stuff for the apartment, handled a chunk of debt, and not smoking is going to save me a ton. I’m still stressed out about paying off debt I owe to school, and some payday loans from my addiction period…ugh..

And then I have to figure out how I’m going to pay for School, I already have student loans that haven’t been paid off, doubt they’re just going to throw more money at me.

Trying to figure out what med tech degree I want.

Men, because obviously I can’t update without talking about them. My ex has developed an annoying habit of slowlllllllyyyy driving by me at the bus stop and staring, which happened after I asked him to stop texting (and he did). Noticed him about four times now, not sure how to react, so I’m not.

Oh wait, I’m thinking about getting a gun and lifting weights again.

Ahaha.

Otherwise, other dude, complex situation that talking about feels disrespectful, or I’m not sure how to handle properly.

Like, I don’t even know if this is going to go anywhere, and hm…

Like I have no idea what I want out of a relationship at this point, besides a man who doesn’t decide that all my attention belongs to him after five minutes (not bitching about monogamy, but do I really need a text to respond to on all my breaks? Why are we on the phone so much?

My God, I must be a sociopath.

But I like…like I like that this is open ended more, but also there’s just like, also frustration and anxiety here. Also I think too much, goddamn it…

So I moved here to straighten myself out, which happened, and try to live a normal life.

Turns out this bores me to a large degree, and most men annoy the shit out of me. I mean…ugh… I’m actually pretty easy to get along with, but people are very…tuned into something I’m not, and it seems like …

Fuck it, what I’m trying to say is I feel like he gets me on a deeper level than most people and doesn’t just like me because like, idk, I’m fucking nice to them or something, but I feel like getting involved to a large extent with him is going to detail what I’m attempting to do, but I’m not super happy with it, and not sure if I’m going to succeed with this. On the other hand, dude is smart and weird in spades and funny…weirdly technically skilled, whole I’m over here with the poetry and endlessly ethically debating self over how to properly share a fucking elevator or something.

Tldr; idiot woman thinks she wants to get married and have kids, meets super ambitious man who wants these things and pushes her to do better, and she decides that no, it’s better to travel around aimlessly and feels like she’s is in an unspoken way agreeing to being around drugs extensively and relapsing, although I seem to have developed some self control.

Idk, dude has a habit of going in and out of sobriety, tried to be useful in the past with him and there was a whole Trainwreck with my damn ex over that, so my attitude is now a lot more hands-off. Idk, then again, I go in and out of addiction, or did, possible upside?

Oh God, also Trainwreck ex is messaging me again, but I’m just like, being the intersection of polite and curt until that stops.

But you know, not meth and alcohol, which are my trouble spots, mainly…

Ugh, I don’t know who fucked up and let me make my own decisions.

I am obviously better suited to be a cat.

 

“Advice to a Girl” – Sarah Teasdale

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No one worth possessing
Can be quite possessed;
Lay that on your heart,
My young angry dear;
This truth, this hard and precious stone,
Lay it on your hot cheek,
Let it hide your tear.
Hold it like a crystal
When you are alone
And gaze in the depths of the icy stone.
Long, look long and you will be blessed:
No one worth possessing
Can be quite possessed.

Yay

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Saw my best friend, Julie, yesterday. Hopped a greyhound, got there in the morning and we went to the beach.

It was so nice to be with someone who’s known me for a long time…we gel really well as people, and it’s good to have a friend that is so smart and caring.

Being in nature again was wonderful. The beach was gorgeous.

Living close to downtown like I do, I see a lot of concrete and buildings..it’s nice to see so much green and trees.

She’s due on November 24th, and having a boy. I’m so excited to bean aunt. New life in the world. Wow.

I’ve been struggling in general, depressed, stressed out.

Not even sure what’s going on…think opening up to new people is hard for me, especially with my past.

It’s really hard for me to enthusiastic at all, especially romantically, and that’s almost becoming it’s own issue. Like I feel better alone but that makes me more depressed.

Idk, feel like things are running their course with my romantic situation… I’m in a dark place with little hope. I’m not excessive with it, but it certainly alters my ability to be enthusiastic. The guy is super enthusiastic and ambitious, and encouraging even, but I think I’ve been so emotionally distant and concealed that he’s giving up.

Honestly think he’s too,um, not damaged for me. Like I have tons of weird shit and negative experience that I don’t want to just lay on him.

Haha. “This isn’t going to work, you’re just not fucked up enough for me.”

Ultimately, though, it was good to connect with someone. It’s a reminder that I’m still alive…one of my friend’s seems to have cotards syndrome, which is the belief that you are dead.

While I don’t think I’m dead, in some metaphorical sense after giving up drugs/alcohol and my last relationship, and maybe even dating, I think I thought life was over.

It’s nice to know that I can still function in the world, even if love is difficult for me. Hell, I don’t think I ever had the normal capability to feel loved. I could/can love, but almost never feel like it’s returned.

Oh! Bought my first piece of art for my apartment this weekend.

From headhunterapparel on Etsy.

Reading “the best minds of my generation”, a print form of Allen ginsbergs lectures on the beat Generation. It’s covering Burroughs right now, Allen’s insight into his internal conflict and self hate really add more layers to his writing…

Burroughs is so sardonic, removed, controlled and logical, but it disguises deep emotions…the man was an inveterate outsider, no wonder I love him.

“What Lips My Lips Have Kissed, And Where, And Why (Sonnet Xliii)” – Edna St. Vincent Millay

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What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why,
I have forgotten, and what arms have lain
Under my head till morning; but the rain
Is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh
Upon the glass and listen for reply,
And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain
For unremembered lads that not again
Will turn to me at midnight with a cry.
Thus in winter stands the lonely tree,
Nor knows what birds have vanished one by one,
Yet knows its boughs more silent than before:
I cannot say what loves have come and gone,
I only know that summer sang in me
A little while, that in me sings no more.

“A Certain Lady” – Dorothy Parker

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Oh, I can smile for you, and tilt my head,
And drink your rushing words with eager lips,
And paint my mouth for you a fragrant red,
And trace your brows with tutored finger-tips.
When you rehearse your list of loves to me,
Oh, I can laugh and marvel, rapturous-eyed.
And you laugh back, nor can you ever see
The thousand little deaths my heart has died.
And you believe, so well I know my part,
That I am gay as morning, light as snow,
And all the straining things within my heart
You’ll never know.

Oh, I can laugh and listen, when we meet,
And you bring tales of fresh adventurings, —
Of ladies delicately indiscreet,
Of lingering hands, and gently whispered things.
And you are pleased with me, and strive anew
To sing me sagas of your late delights.
Thus do you want me — marveling, gay, and true,
Nor do you see my staring eyes of nights.
And when, in search of novelty, you stray,
Oh, I can kiss you blithely as you go ….
And what goes on, my love, while you’re away,
You’ll never know.