“The Process” – Skinny Puppy

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We’ve come to the end of 2017. It’s been a wild ride, but we survived the year!

I missed out on seeing Skinny Puppy once, but I ended up going to rehab instead. I asked my counselor if I could get a pass to cross state lines with a couple guys for two days to go watch them though. She gave me an interesting look.

Skinny Puppy is a group that’s been around since the early eighties. They’re the industrial version of Phil Anselmo, the members are busy people. Skinny Puppy  intended to “The Process” to be their final album, so using it to bury the year feels right.

I’m sticking pins and needles in this stinging rotten fleshlike substitute
Pieces of half cooked meat that are

Walking on this earth abort desire irrelevance ticks in front in view
A candle rhyme to realign burnt out candles on the wall seize the moment
Reach

And if the root of silence pulls me off
And love is lost not from my heart
I sit upon this throne that throws me off

And she falls backwards to the floor
And forwards to the back
She says elapses all my truth again
She’s the one I live for
I live alone
Burns inside horribly she lifts me to the spirit
Burns the darkest hours my corrupt brain is hurting
Once again the door lies quiet
Left alone I’m thinking of her
Sitting the burning clock of time

“The Pennycandystore Beyond the El” – Lawrence Ferlinghetti

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The pennycandystore beyond the El
is where i first
fell in love
with unreality
Jellybeans glowed in the semi-gloom
of that september afternoon
A cat upon the counter moved among
the licorice sticks
and tootsie rolls
and Oh Boy Gum

Outside the leaves were falling as they died

A wind had blown away the sun

A girl ran in
Her hair was rainy
Her breasts were breathless in the little room

Outside the leaves were falling
and they cried
Too soon! too soon!

Minor updates

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I obtained a therapist, and it’s pretty early on but seems like a good fit so far. She actually has a degree in substance abuse prevention and has 16 or so years of experience. It’s actually through talkspace, which is an app, basically can text her every day and get a response on weekdays. She’s in Milwaukee as well, so it’s cool that it’s like…local, but less face to face, because I swear I always end up telling my therapists that I’m fine and managing things well, like, fuck, I can’t even not worry about upsetting a therapist.

I’ve been in counseling as an adult, but it’s usually short term and I’m in a crisis. Think the last round was when I was when I left my ex (and eventually went back, because I’m a slow learner) was generally functionally high during the appointments.

Ewww. Bad job, me.

Definitely think it was good timing…I think I knew enough to move and cut ties, keep my life straight, but after that point I have no clue what I want. Kind of need a safe space to explore that.

Also low-key freaked out that the men I get involved with all want to plan out my entire future for me. Afraid I might end up being a jet pilot with 7 kids or some shit if I keep being agreeable and direction less.

(Not that there’s anything wrong with being a jet pilot, of course, unless this isn’t the type of career you would ever consider on your own, are too frightened to drive a goddamn car, so being responsible for not killing a group of people way up in the day isn’t the type of thing you’d naturally pursue.)

Otherwise I’ve been trying the online dating thing, but that’s mostly a good way for my best friend and I to laugh our asses off than an effective way for me to find a boyfriend or even a man I’d like, be comfortable being alone with.

Sigh. I mean, it’s either that the men are terribly conversationally boring, want to get together right away, or I find them charming, which I’m starting to notice is a warning sign in itself that the man is deeply unhinged in some way.

It’s not like everyone is literally a trashfire, but I’m getting the impression that I might be one of the five women in my area on that site. Or maybe the one who doesn’t have kids and/or a bunch of issues. Well, damn, I obviously have issues, but…

Also I fucking hate filling out those profiles and taking pictures. Ugh.

Seriously. I don’t have a car, and I work in a low paying job, I’m heavier than I’m comfortable with, so why in the fuck did some guy refer to himself as my future husband after two neutral one sentence replies from me?

Oh, and the super open fetishists. That’s third date material, my dudes.

:)

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I’d like to introduce you all the lovely tinderellanna, who writes “The Chronicles of a Happy Divorcee”. The book in progress covers many things, including her search for love and an international characters.

Check it out.

 

Life is well, good, mostly.

I managed to not prostitute myself or use drugs, so you know, excellence all around, A+ me.

Just got paid today. I wandered into a zero-money-whatsoever period (needed a winter coat, friend had an issue, also started smoking), and ended up living on rice for a week.

Andddd basically an acquaintance asked if I would, um, well… we’re going to refer to this as “sex related work” and is still probably legal. So I spent approximately three days weighing the pros and cons of the situation, and ended up not doing it.

Finances are definitely getting better… I’m coming into holiday pay and overtime season.

I splurged on a discounted concealed carry permit class, signed up for therapy via texting, so I can subject some poor therapist to my self-involved rambling, and got a deal on a gym membership. I’m still losing weight quickly, almost at the point where it worries me. Had an eating disorder in my teens, can definitely see some obsessional aspects returning.

I’m done buying stuff for the apartment, handled a chunk of debt, and not smoking is going to save me a ton. I’m still stressed out about paying off debt I owe to school, and some payday loans from my addiction period…ugh..

And then I have to figure out how I’m going to pay for School, I already have student loans that haven’t been paid off, doubt they’re just going to throw more money at me.

Trying to figure out what med tech degree I want.

Men, because obviously I can’t update without talking about them. My ex has developed an annoying habit of slowlllllllyyyy driving by me at the bus stop and staring, which happened after I asked him to stop texting (and he did). Noticed him about four times now, not sure how to react, so I’m not.

Oh wait, I’m thinking about getting a gun and lifting weights again.

Ahaha.

Otherwise, other dude, complex situation that talking about feels disrespectful, or I’m not sure how to handle properly.

Like, I don’t even know if this is going to go anywhere, and hm…

Like I have no idea what I want out of a relationship at this point, besides a man who doesn’t decide that all my attention belongs to him after five minutes (not bitching about monogamy, but do I really need a text to respond to on all my breaks? Why are we on the phone so much?

My God, I must be a sociopath.

But I like…like I like that this is open ended more, but also there’s just like, also frustration and anxiety here. Also I think too much, goddamn it…

So I moved here to straighten myself out, which happened, and try to live a normal life.

Turns out this bores me to a large degree, and most men annoy the shit out of me. I mean…ugh… I’m actually pretty easy to get along with, but people are very…tuned into something I’m not, and it seems like …

Fuck it, what I’m trying to say is I feel like he gets me on a deeper level than most people and doesn’t just like me because like, idk, I’m fucking nice to them or something, but I feel like getting involved to a large extent with him is going to detail what I’m attempting to do, but I’m not super happy with it, and not sure if I’m going to succeed with this. On the other hand, dude is smart and weird in spades and funny…weirdly technically skilled, whole I’m over here with the poetry and endlessly ethically debating self over how to properly share a fucking elevator or something.

Tldr; idiot woman thinks she wants to get married and have kids, meets super ambitious man who wants these things and pushes her to do better, and she decides that no, it’s better to travel around aimlessly and feels like she’s is in an unspoken way agreeing to being around drugs extensively and relapsing, although I seem to have developed some self control.

Idk, dude has a habit of going in and out of sobriety, tried to be useful in the past with him and there was a whole Trainwreck with my damn ex over that, so my attitude is now a lot more hands-off. Idk, then again, I go in and out of addiction, or did, possible upside?

Oh God, also Trainwreck ex is messaging me again, but I’m just like, being the intersection of polite and curt until that stops.

But you know, not meth and alcohol, which are my trouble spots, mainly…

Ugh, I don’t know who fucked up and let me make my own decisions.

I am obviously better suited to be a cat.

 

“Advice to a Girl” – Sarah Teasdale

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No one worth possessing
Can be quite possessed;
Lay that on your heart,
My young angry dear;
This truth, this hard and precious stone,
Lay it on your hot cheek,
Let it hide your tear.
Hold it like a crystal
When you are alone
And gaze in the depths of the icy stone.
Long, look long and you will be blessed:
No one worth possessing
Can be quite possessed.