“No Self, No Problem” Anam Thubten

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“As human beings we are deeply insecure and we do not know who we truly are. Of course this problem does not show on the surface of our lives. We are always telling ourselves who we are, based on this notion that we are separate from everything else. This sense that “I am separate” is the ground of our sense of self. It is reinforced by various false identities that we cling to, notions that “I am this” or “I am that.” Whatever beliefs we have about ourselves are just another extension. Most of the time when we look around, we immediately see that our surroundings are validating these false identities. For this very reason, it is a challenging endeavor to deconstruct this illusion of self. Every time we look into our mirror we might have some thought about ourselves. Each of these thoughts adds up. They become the conceptual bricks we use to keep building this illusory castle of self. Yet, there is a suspicion that this notion of self might be very fragile and transient, and this thought is silently lurking somewhere in our consciousness. Most of the time this suspicion is not brought into the light of awareness, but if it is, some deep, inner wisdom will arise without choice. Our suspicion of the fragility of this false notion of self can go in one of two directions. In general it becomes a source of fear, anxiety, and insecurity. We often see people who are fearful and overly defensive when it comes to their own identity. We ourselves tend to become fearful if our identity is threatened. But at other times the suspicion can go another way. When that happens, it can be a life-changing revelation that can lead us to the realization of the highest level of truth. This idea is not some new, lofty theory. It is timeless wisdom that has been realized by many people in human history. Buddha taught this wisdom, and in his tradition it is called anatman, or “no self.” Anatman, or “no self,” is the term used to mean that one has seen through this false sense of self. One has seen that this false sense of self is merely an identification with one’s roles in life. It is just a mask, not the truth.”

Sobriety Week 3: Awareness and Balance

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…I am saying we can do ourselves and our society a great service—and be more effective and heard—by authentically, empathetically connecting with one another.

-Rachel Sklar, “10 Habits of Highly Successful Women”

Willhelm Reich used to talk about “body armor” – He theorized that where and how we hold our tension in our muscles shows what we’re avoiding feeling, and releasing the tension along with talk therapy helps a person move foreward. I tend to agree…Between releasing most of my muscular tension and the meditation event, I’ve become profoundly calm, but sad and prone to crying.

I’m practicing being aware, not judging, and letting the sadness run its course. Too frequently in my past I’ve blocked out emotions in a variety of ways, even while sober…having “subtle” emotions is a new experience. I do have a sense that everything will be alright, though, I just need to go through this.

This week has been a balancing act between nourishing others and self. I realize that I’m self-centered, but focusing on myself right now is better than a hamfisted mission to “fix” someone… So…I’m just quietly helping others in small ways, and practicing listening rather than “fixing” or “judging”, and spending most of my time on self-repair until I’m more capable.

A book on the sixth and seventh step showed up on Amazon. Made me laugh – that’s where I ended up
“taking a break”. Kinda grateful that all this happened. My faith in God is signficantly more solid rather than the nebulous thing it was before, and I “feel” my defects more in life. Lol, it’s like when a pimple is getting ready to pop…At first you don’t notice it, and then all of a sudden it’s driving you mad.

I feel like I’ll be able to work these steps “deeper” than I would have without the spontaneous broken leg and relapse. & even if I would have gotten to where I am without it – I can’t change the past, now can I?

March Discoveries: Google Keep, 7cups, GreaterGood

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Google Keep

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This is free organization system has made this organization freak a very happy woman. If you have a google account, you can go here:  https://keep.google.com/ and sort your life out. :p

There’s labels, which work as folders, and within these labels you can have infinitely large post-its that can fit as much information as you like on it. I’d previously been using Work-Flowy for my to-do lists, but it’s not as visually attractive, and doesn’t have all the feature of Keep – you can set reminders for your lists that will sync up with google calendar.

I don’t know if I’m doing a good job of explaining it – but please take my babbling as a sign of a person deeply impressed and happy with the product.

7cups. com – free and paid online counseling For when you need help and guidance. I’ve only used the free counseling, and been content with it – considering shelling out for the paid.

GreaterGood – The Science of a Meaningful Life Science on leading a better, more meaningful like from Berkely university.

Attachment Theory in Infants & Adult Love Relationships

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My psychology instructor is going to know more about me than most of my friends/lovers ever have by the end of this semester, lol.

Okay, if you’ve not taken a basic psychology class, there are three types of attachment styles to primary caregivers shown by infants according to John Bowlby, whose theory was tested by Mary Ainsworth. Which means babies show one of three reactions to being separated from mommy/daddy:

  1. Secure: The baby is disturbed when the parent leaves, but easily comforted upon return. (Mommy leaves baby alone in strange laboratory, baby cries. Mommy comes back and soothes baby and everything is fine.)
  2. Anxious Resistant: The baby cries when Daddy leaves, and is inconsolable when Daddy tries to comfort baby. It’s as if baby is trying to punish Daddy!
  3. Anxious Avoidant: Baby doesn’t care much when mommy leaves, and gets interested in something else when she comes back. “Do what you want, it doesn’t affect me either way,” says baby.
  4. Disorganized – No consistent pattern.

So these theory has been widely accepted, and a theory has been built on top this theory – the way we learned to interact with our early caregivers is the way we later attach to our objects of affection, according to Haven and Shaver – see, babies are happy, comfortable and playful with their parents, and lovers are happy, comfortable and playful with their lovers, both connections are primary – it makes sense that they are related.

  1. Secure: My partner will be there for me when needed, and I can trust them – they can expect the same from me as well.
  2. Anxious Resistant: Do you love me as much as I love you? Are you sure? You can trust me and I’ll be here…You don’t love me. You would know what I’m thinking if you loved me, clearly you have no idea.Love me? Do you like that person better than me? It’s because of x/y/z, isn’t it? YOU MONSTER. *heavy drug use ensues*
  3. Anxious Avoidant: Um, I love you? Is love even a thing? Because every time this word gets tossed around, things go badly for me. *narrows eyes* What are you yelling about? I made eye contact with someone? What? I knew it, I’m better off alone. *disappears into narcotic haze *

I’m number three, and seem to almost exclusively date number two – ladies, there are way more men out there that just want to be loved, held, and treated well than most of you seem to think. #2 can be abusive from my experience – not nearly always, but my theory is almost all abusive men have this attachment style…They punish “Mommy” for a perceived slight. (Note: definitely NOT saying all anxious-resistant men are abusive, but from my experience and female friend’s experience…)

#2 all seem to go for me and my ilk, females who are as comfortable with heavy emotional displays as John Wayne was…although I crave touch emotional understanding, and being accepted in a relationship. Any relationship that has worked for a long time features this component.

Sex, material goods, etc. don’t interest me so much as someone who can deal with the fact that I *gasp* have EMOTIONS  – and can reliably accept and extra points if you can analyze them and make them sound logical. Also, I don’t get jealous – I leave. Try to present a threat to make me clingy =”Okay, apparently you like her more. Good luck.” Pretty much, my best friend needs to teach a course on interacting with me, because everybody else gets confused and tries some kind of craziness or they try to fix me -nope.

On the other hand, I date people whose worst fear is being deserted, and CONSISTENTLY desert them. I am a special kind of asshole. I’m abstaining from damaging more people, so ….that’s good, I guess.

Effects of Twelve Step Groups on Co-Morbid Substance Abuse and Depression

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(tldr: 12 steps groups are more effective for depressed alcoholics in the long run than therapy, depressed drug users show no significant difference between either treatment. I got full points on this for my psychology 101 class and I’m ridiculously proud. The five page paper is under the read more tag)

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The Madonna/Whore Speaks

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“Where such men love they have no desire and where they desire they cannot love.” – Sigmund Freud

 

I’m not of this world.

My reality doesn’t interest you

You only dream me

In your myths, symbols, a half-

haze, for I am a woman.

 

For the dream at night

Speaks to and of the dreamer

Not objective truth

You will not see who stands

By you,  for this, I’m sorry.