30 days.

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(a little over 30 days)

So my dumb-ass was trying to use a fucking psychedelic as anti-depressant. Yes. It’s not that I didn’t appreciate the dxm trip, but I mostly….started using it on a regular basis because it made me feel better afterward. And then threw some other shit in there, ’cause that’s a super good idea.

Think I was doing it a couple times a week for a few weeks, feel like I don’t remember half the shit that went on, but I’m still employed and not in a crisis, which is definitely good…

I quit after the paranoia became worrying, and ended up being in somewhat of a self-aware psychosis for two weeks…thank God I have a sit-down and don’t talk to anyone job.

Like  seriously. Full-on persecution complex, and as a fun addition to this bullshit, the elevators near the parking garage starting coming down empty at the end of my breaks/lunch, right about this time and clearly that was an attempt on my remaining sanity.*

*They still do this sometimes. Have seen this happen for other people.

As in you walk in from outside, get to about six feet from the elevator, and the damn thing is suddenly down there, doors open, and there’s  no one in it.

Think we have a bored security guy or something. Haha, dude’s trying to brighten people’s days and I’m just like “SWEET JESUS, TAKE ME NOW.”

why do I do this shit to myself.

Then depression/anxiety for about two weeks, ended up calling in a couple times, and my brain is mostly at cruising speed insanity at the moment.

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It was way less cute than this.

*sigh* really need to work out my feelings on recovery as a system more. Don’t disagree with it, but I keep….finding….situational….loopholes…

 

Gratitude about Life

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(so here’s a great big mood swing)

As much as I am Eeyore, I am intensely grateful for a lot of things in my life, primarily the things that went off-course. I don’t particularly like the phrase or the song, but sometimes God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, and a lot of the worst things in my life ended up being the biggest teachers.

My life has been such that I can wake up in a small apartment with rented furniture, and be happy to be alone, sober, and employed. 30 isn’t really that bad a time to straighten out…

This is probably the first time I’ve respected myself, and the most I’ve generally liked myself. The future looks pretty bright. My job is stable, I’m moving to a nicer apartment in June, and getting my own furniture. Now I have to wrangle myself back into education, and increase my confidence in my own abilities.

While there’s no undoing years of damage, there’s always always always the option to stop and start treating one’s self properly. I’ve been depressed over a combination of emotional, mental, and physical deterioration, but there’s hope. Just have to kick my own ass and continue to do things that are difficult for me.

Got lost in crying over lost potential for a while, but I’m a lot more capable than I give myself credit for and hold myself back and settle too much. Also come to the conclusion that in no way, shape, or form do I ever want to be a substance abuse counselor. Dealing with my own burden is enough of a weight for me. A

Still remarkably open-ended on what I want, educationally. I want to nurture, but also work best alone and I just don’t wanna invest in people like I used to… Perhaps something with animals or plants?

Medical coding and billing seems like a pretty good stop-gap for me, though, so I might pursue that in the interim.

Almost want to consider teaching(!), had past ambitions to be a librarian, which might be nice if I can connive myself into learning and retaining that much about mathematics.

I’ve been doing yet another past analysis (haha), and this time around it’s a lot easier to forgive myself and others. We’re all quite limited, and I feel like most of us do the best we can with what we know. There’s only so much you can learn from feeling bitter toward other people and regretting your past actions. Seen a lot of growth in myself, but also new problem areas, some old faults as well…

The truth about me is that I could be in a much better spot in life, but I made a lot of mistakes, but I was generally ill-prepared, over-focused on pleasing other people, and incredibly self-hating for decades. I  was without value to myself until remarkably recently.

What I did get out of my 20’s was the knowledge that I am capable in a lot of different types of situations, I can be brave, and if you can win me, I’m incredibly loyal and dedicated. Pretty much only one person gets this out of me at this point, but oh well. Of course, 30 year-old me hisses, and goes into passive observation mode whenever a human approaches, but that’s a story for another time.

What I need to focus on is continuing to improve discipline, general mental and physical health, and honoring my own desires and accomplishments more. I’m fat, but lost 90 lbs, and I really don’t give myself the credit I deserve for doing that. Or for actually getting a full-time job, and maintaining it. I was on social security for 6 years…worked part-time off and on during that period, but this is definitely a jump and an improvement. Helps the self-efficacy bit, obviously…

Also pursuing therapy again, as much as I’d rather not…but I’ve developed (re?) an aversion to people, and need guidance and accountability. As lame this it is, sometimes it’s easier for me to work on myself to make another person happy. A therapist seems like a pretty low-risk option for this, lol. I need help learning to let people in again, because I am just a series of walls and locks at this point.

Also my bff. Met her in high shool, she is  one of the consistently best influences. While we both did some crazy shit in the past, we calmed down at about the same time, so that’s a huge boon, there. Capricorn and INTJ. Calmness, stability, logic, and bluntness. Nice off-set to my moonpersonness.

While it’s somewhat unfortunate that I’m 30 and completely opposed to being a relationship, being alone and happy is better than being in a destructive or even stymying relationship. I dunno. My dream dude is probably on reddit, bitching about life right now. Who knows? WILL WE FORCE OURSELVES INTO SOCIAL SITUATIONS LONG ENOUGH TO MEET IN THIS LIFETIME? That’s the real question.

Have a lot of new issues with men, to the point where I realize I don’t emotionally invest in the ones in my life…it’s a bit hard to explain. Some of it is trust, but I’m in such a place of a negative expectations that I feel somewhat toxic at the moment, in this area.

Kind of funny that 30 year old me turned out to be mostly asexual and aromantic.

Honestly think I’m leaning toward not having children, I adore children, but there’s too much worry and stress involved in having my own.

 

 

14 days sober…

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Well, for starters, I’m grateful that I’ve made two weeks sober, that I have a job and an apartment, that my basic needs are covered…

It’s been difficult for me, recently, there has been a lot of change and loss there’s been in my life over the last ten years. and I’ve lost any sense of identity or like…The feeling of being lost/doomed/tainted in some way is just a perpetual part of me, after 30 years it should be background noise, lol.

I used to believe in a lot of things, and a lot of things about myself, and they all seem irrelevant or untrue at this point in my life. That’s a good place to be in a lot of ways, but now there’s this complete sense of being in a void or almost being an abyss that is beyond what I’m really sure how to deal with. Such deep feelings of disconnect.

So there’s keeping busy, looking into hobbies more, there’s a lot of cool stuff in the world of needlepoint and macrame, which are both new to me.

Cicada patttern. Looks kinda uterus-y in a rorschach test way to me.

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Macrame Owl

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In the middle of a udemy course on journalling, which is decent so far.

Trying to pick stuff that is easy-ish or familiar, just absolutely lacking confidence in anything in the moment, which is ironic considering where I was 3 or 4 years ago. But I think I reconnected with some element of myself from high school or my early twenties, which involves a lot of self-hate, perfectionism, heavy frustration with myself, seem to be unable to relax, ever…

So it’s like I’m in this deep depression, just like this terrible anxiety creature, but aware of it enough to push myself out a little more with doing things, trying to socialize, exercise, get sunlight, but I’m really not performing on the level I think I should be…like I’m to the extent that I’m not good enough for myself, so how could I be good enough for someone else? Yes, I realized that’s heavily distorted thinking, but I’m doing the best I can with fighting that…

I’m in an abusive relationship with myself right now, ok? Haha.