Mental Health Weirdness/self-involved rambling

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HERE’S A FUN THING:

I was talking to a guy who was literally 5’2 and fifty, he got in my personal space, and we went from having an awesome conversation to me getting super laggy and him asking if I take drugs or medication.

Also he insisted that we talked last night, which, yeah, I was mostly home last night, or at least not wandering around talking to random people.

  • GODDAMNIT, LIFE, I QUIT BLACKOUT DRINKING, WHAT DO YOU  WANT FROM ME?
  • I have mastered the art of silent anxiety attacks, but they’re so fucking stealthy that I’m unaware/dissociated from them that either the person I’m talking to notices that I get super fucking spacey, or eventually I notice that my heart is pounding and the person I’m talking to is impossible to understand.

Also I no longer have insurance, and I’m being more social, which unfortunately requires a certain amount of drug and alcohol use to do successfully. So I feel kind of fucked about this situation. Like I’m trying to be a good employee, develop friends,  lose weight (down 100 now!), find a successful relationship, leave the past behind me, and survive sans medication and why does this shit have to be in my face all the time?

Literally, my (last) ex started checking my heart rate at certain points…”Well, shit, she seems not to know what’s going on again, better preform a manual check, here…”

I’ve had panic attacks for a long time, and “cured” them for a long time with self-injury, alcohol, and drugs. So there’s like this weird thing with me where I don’t show it, and actually am pretty much unaware of what’s going on with me, until I notice I can’t follow follow the conversation and I become aware that my heart is pounding in my chest.

I kind of wanted to be done with being the “obviously crazy girl who’s really sweet and fun to use with”.  and I somehow I manage to find this guy who’s in psychology, and bammmmm I think I’ve been through this thing like 3 times now, can I be fucking done please. Jesus fuck. I’ve actually done this significantly once before, feel like I wandered away from that again…

Like the love for weird is appreciated, but I feel like there’s a fine ass line between trying to figure out a person’s brain and help potentially and digging in their to exploit weaknesses.

All I’m saying is that I picture this nightmare scenario where I’m dating a guy who trains me to jump through a hoop, bark three times and idk what goes after that, but nothing good.

It’s the weakness that bothers me. I would literally prefer someone think I’m a sociopath/acting fucked up intentionally than know how afraid I am of everything and how many issues I have with functioning. I just feel so tainted by my past and history…it’s a lifelong thing really, but a shorthand description of my twenties sounds like “graduated high school with honors, despite being kinda math retarded, better with words than anything else, dropped out of a college three times, 5 year relationship with woman, pulmonary embolism from birth control delved into drinking a bottle of whiskey for a night for months? years?, pills, iv’ing, brief period of sleeping with all the men ever, has a leg that breaks when she’s fucking standing on it, and then turns into a functional shut-in by 30.

Like im the Ron Burgundy of fucking up.

Oh, throw in a brain tumor at age 8. I can’t talk about myself without sounding and feeling like a pathelogical liar at this point. Like, my perceptions are so limited, but so are everyone’s but I just doubt anything and everything that comes out of me at this point. It’s just too much, dude.

COULD I BE GODDAMN NORMAL FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES HERE. This is an exhausting life.

I feel so incredibly disociated from all of this, it’s just disgusting and painful.

I just hate how I’m basically a fucking mental case no matter what I goddamn do. It’s like I confused therapists and a psychiatrist for years, at this point I have to consider myself vaguely an “anxiety oriented cluster B clusterfuck”, but literally, my ex was pretty convinced that I had multiple personalities, besides the obvious ever-present anxiety element.

Who fucking knows or cares, really, there might be good sides to me, but this existence is a fucking slow-motion trainwreck at this point. Like I don’t really know what to do with myself anymore, so I’m just kind of reverting, which isnt good…but I also need people, would like to have friends that get me and also won’t like, kill me, basically, but that doesn’t seem to be possible.

Articles on the after-effects of methamphetamine usage

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Don’t Believe Everything You See In The Media About Meth Addiction

 

Nonetheless, the only statistically significant cognitive finding was a correlation of hippocampal volume and performance on one of the four tasks. This finding is the basis for the claim that methamphetamine users had memory impairments, because the hippocampus is known to play a role in some long-term memory; but other brain areas are also involved in processing long-term memory. The size of these other areas was not different between the groups.

 

Deterioration of intelligence in methamphetamine-induced psychosis: Comparison with alcohol dependence on WAIS-IIIpcn_2

Long-term use of methamphetamine could also lead to the emergence of psychotic symptoms, such as paranoid ideation, persecutory delusion, auditory and visual hallucination and thereby to a diagnosis of methamphetamine-induced psychosis(MIP), which sometimes is difficult to differentiate from paranoid schizophrenia. Clinically, MIP is not an uncommon disorder in epidemic areas, and management is mainly focused on the amelioration of psychosis using antipsychotics, yet the complication of cognitive deterioration of the addicts is seldom noted.

In a well-designed study of the neuropsychological function of 78 amphetamine users, McKetin and Mattick reported that the severity of amphetamine dependence was found to be associated with poorer performance on both memory and attention/concentration indices of the Wechsler Memory Scale–Revised.

 

Chronic intake of ethanol both in human and rat results in a substantial impairment in memory function associated with a reduction in the number of cholinergic neurons in the basal forebrain that give rise to the cholinergic afferentation of the cortical
mantle. Neuropsychological studies have demonstrated poor functioning on tests of visuospatial, executive, and memory functioning in alcohol dependent (AD) adults compared with demographically matched controls.

What are the long-term effects of methamphetamine abuse?

Some of the neurobiological effects of chronic methamphetamine abuse appear to be at least partially reversible. In the aforementioned study, abstinence from methamphetamine resulted in less excess microglial activation over time, and abusers who had remained methamphetamine- free for 2 years exhibited microglial activation levels similar to the study’s control subjects. Another neuroimaging study showed neuronal recovery in some brain regions following prolonged abstinence (14 but not 6 months). This recovery was associated with improved performance on motor and verbal memory tests. But function in other brain regions did not recover even after 14 months of abstinence, indicating that some methamphetamineinduced changes are very long lasting. Moreover, methamphetamine use can increase one’s risk of stroke, which can cause irreversible damage to the brain. A recent study even showed higher incidence of Parkinson’s disease among past users of methamphetamine.

Effects of Length of Abstinence on Decision-Making and Craving in Methamphetamine Abusers

METH dependent individuals who were abstinent for longer periods of time exhibited better decision-making than those who were abstinent for shorter periods of time. And self-reported emotional symptoms improved with abstinence. METH abusers’ ratings of craving decreased with the duration of abstinence, while cue-induced craving increased until 3 months of abstinence and decreased at 6 months and 1 year of abstinence.

Is Cognitive Functioning Impaired in Methamphetamine Users? A Critical Review

.Importantly, although methamphetamine abusers performed significantly worse than controls on some cognitive tasks, their performance remained within the age- and education-matched normal range. Furthermore, previous discussions of the impact of methamphetamine-related effects on human cognition have neglected data from research assessing the immediate effects of the drug on cognitive performance. These studies can provide crucial complementary information because they assess cognitive performance immediately before and after administration of the drug. The rationale for this approach is that if methamphetamine produces cognitive deficits, one might predict that methamphetamine-induced disruptions would be observed following acute administration of large doses.

Substance-Induced Psychosis

This Is Your Brain on Meth: A ‘Forest Fire’ of Damage